Unsure whether to stay or go...

[FortKnox]

Long-time lurker but this is my first post. Warning - this may get long so sorry in advance!

I have been with DP for 6 years (the first 3 were long-distance) and have known him since I was 19. I am now 28.

DP is a good person and we have a comfortable relationship and have supported each other through some tough stuff. But since we went from long-distance to living together (with no inbetween stage since it was a very big move) I have had this whisper in my head saying maybe things aren't right.

We have different backgrounds and, I feel, different values on some issues. He has a much wealthier background than me and has therefore never really needed to work much. He spends lots of time online and/or playing games while I work full-time. He works sporadically on a 0-hours contract and doesn't seem to have a direction/goal of any kind to aim towards.

In contrast, since moving to be with him I have learnt a new language and have had to build a new life. I am glad I did as I love it here now, but can't help feeling that I have put (and am putting) more into the relationship than he is.

He often stays up at night while I sleep and we (almost) never have sex. I'm sad to say that on average we stand at probably 5 or 6 times a year at most. It seems to me that he is possibly depressed and I want to be supportive, but at 28 I can't help but feel that it shouldn't be like this. Also, while I rationally understand that it isn't to do with whether he finds me attractive or not, I emotionally feel rejected and sometimes lonely. I used to try and instigate things, but being rebuffed makes me so sad that I don't really try anymore.

He isn't a horrible person and we have all this shared history and essentially have grown up together. I was first attracted by his positive outlook and sense of humour. But I wonder if I have grown away from him somewhere along the way and whether that positivity I fell in love with was just how he seemed when we lived in different countries, rather than the reality. A close friend thinks I am in love with his potential, rather than with him.

I have two fears - the first is leaving him, waking up in 5 years time and regretting it bitterly as he has made something amazing from his life (as he really does have the potential to!). The second, of course, is waking up in 5 years time, still with him, to find that nothing has changed.

He makes me laugh and when things are good they are really good...so I guess my question is whether all relationships have issues like this but it is worth holding on if, underneath it all, you are with a nice person - or if this just seems like 'settling'? I feel torn in two and don't want to string him along.

If you got through this then thank you and I encourage you all to have some

It sounds really frustrating. I think only you can know whether it's worth pushing on. How much do you love him? Would you consider speaking to him about how you feel?

We have spoken quite a lot about the sex issue and he just asserts that it isn't me, but hasn't done anything to address it.
I love him a lot and I still want to spend time with him/have sex with him etc. but don't feel like it is fully reciprocated in the same way so often feel down about it all.

Oh I'm so sorry FortKnox. It must be horrible, and much more complicated given you love him lots. It sounds a bit like you're in limbo.

I suppose if it were me I'd be inclined to lay everything on the table and say his behaviour is making you feel neglected and you are considering leaving, or does he already know that? Would that feel too much like an ultimatum?

If you want to have kids he doesn't sound like a great person to have them with imo

Second Snog...also, the sex issue. If this is important to you, and it sounds like it is. It is to most/many people...then you are potentially going to feel you are missing this part of your life. IMO this makes you susceptible to someone who would appreciate you more in this way. I went through something similar. In his case, it was a way of withholding affection/sex, and part of being generally EA. Not saying the same in your case. But to feel validated as a sexually attractive woman was important to me. You need to think about this. Maybe therapy would help you be clearer?

I think (bear in mind that I'm old) that you're just too young for this shit. To have written that post, to have this level of doubt - I think you know this probably isn't how you want to end your days. You've grown up - maybe he hasn't.

I do wonder if you have outgrown him.27/28 is often the age where you finally become you so you may now be very different people.

I think if you stay you are settling, no passion at your age doesn't feel right.You are still so young and could meet a man who meets your needs.Don't settle, life is too short and 10 years from now it could make you very miserable.

You echo your friends thoughts and are in love with a future imagined version of your partner.
I think you need to find someone you are happy with in the present tense.
Move on with your life OP, this relationship has run its course and better things will come if you leave it

"He isn't a horrible person and we have all this shared history and essentially have grown up together"

Which is nice and I'm sure you make great friends. But a long term relationship, a life partnership, has to be much more than just friendship. A long-distance relationship is an odd combination of intense togetherness followed by long periods of abstinence.... and, as the man said, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'... nothing like the reality of living with someone 24/7.

If you're discovering serious incompatibilities and already feeling it's not quite right then act on that feeling rather than hoping you'll feel differently if you give it another five or ten years. "We need to talk......"

Good luck

I always advocate listening the ones doubts, ones instincts, as they are there to guide us.

You don't us to tell you what to do. Your instinct is knocking at the door.

If there is a doubt, listen to it. I'd say you may end up resenting him and looking whist fully at the door. I have left two nice enough men because I had the doubts you are having, don't regret either one, now with a man where there are no questions. Life is much better that way.

Good luck.

Thanks for the responses ? you are a kind bunch! To respond (in no particular order):

I?ve discussed the possibility of me moving out (but still living in the same town) as we totally skipped this step in our relationship and maybe it was ?too much too soon?. Not sure if this would be a good move. He does know I?m feeling unsure and it is very much ?good days and bad days? so I?m mostly confused and feel bad for not being able to decide.

I?ve considered speaking to someone alone or as a couple (which he seems open to) but think a big part of the problem is not being able to visualise a shared future with him as he doesn?t seem to know what he wants. He has a general assumption that we would end up getting married etc. but all the discussions have been very vague. I wonder if he would benefit from speaking to someone alone as he has some issues unrelated to me that he recognises are problematic ? I have raised the issue with him but don?t think he will take action on it.
I very much am aware of the fact that relationships are hard work. I guess I?m just trying to figure out how much work is too much work!
Something2Say ? I long to have no questions! I didn?t have any when we were long-distance but, as Cognito said, it is a whole different situation being intensely together followed by long periods of being apart.

But yes, I hear the knock on the door. I just hoped if I ignored it then it would get bored and go somewhere else!

I think the harsh truth is that he doesn't seem very committed to you OP.
Did your own parents have a good relationship?
I'm not sure why you want to work so hard at something that fundamentally doesn't seem that great or to offer you much.

Snog - they got divorced when I was 14 and are such different people it boggles my mind that they ever got together in the first place! My dad left as he had met someone else (who he has been married to for over a decade now).
All three of them are super good friends now though.

I think problems will always arise when someone feels they don't need to work. I don't think long, long periods of idleness are good for people. That's what holidays are for; everyday life shouldn't be like that.

He stays up very late at night; I imagine he gets up very late, too? So while you're having lunch, having got up, showered, had breakfast, travelled to work and worked for several hours, he's just turning over in bed, thinking he's knackered.

The worst thing parents can do is to make their children believe they don't have to work for a living - this is as true for someone wealthy as it is for someone who's poor. It's by working that we make our friends, take on responsibilities, do things we don't really want to do at times, work as part of a team and generally fit in with the rest of society.

He feels entitled. This will inevitably bleed into other areas. At the moment you don't have children. Do you really think he will get up at night with them? Do you think he'll clear up the projectile vomiting or sit through countless hours of boring (to an adult) tv programmes or games?

By not working he is able to remain a child.

You, however, have developed into a working, thinking, active adult. No wonder you don't feel right with him. How could he be a romantic match for you when he is a manchild?

If you like where you're living, I would move out and live in a flat with new people. If you don't like the area, make the most of your youth and energy and go somewhere that will inspire you and allow you to make the most of your life. This man is living in a half-world, populated by the idle and the wealthy. You have no place there; you belong in the real world.

You're only 28 but everything you're writing is like a weary old couple that have got the stage where they have nothing left to say to each other and nothing in common. They go for counselling because they've invested 20+ years, got several kids, a mortgage and a joint account and it's going to be messy and expensive if/when they split so they feel they ought to give it a last chance

Please don't waste your life thinking you can solve someone else's 'issues'. All I'm seeing from your description of your boyfriend is someone who is 'all right Jack', feels no great urge to make any kind of commitment or show affection & takes you totally for granted. That kind of complacent attitude is very common and, if it's not making you happy, then it's not your responsibility to change it.

Advice from years more experience - never fall for what someone potentially could be - by 28, the signs would already be there and he'd already be on a path if he was going to be. Better bet is to assess on what's in front of you. Otherwise years down the line you are more likely to wish that you hadn't wasted all that time and supportive effort in trying to get him to reach that potential. Also, 28 is way too young to be in a relationship where sex occurs half a doz times a year - are you really happy to settle for that the rest of your life as that stands a reasonable chance of not improving too? You sound like you have a lot about you, make sure you don't allow him to drag your aspirations down, be all you can be and be with someone who supports you in that or free to reach your own goals in life.

Even if e does make something amazing of his life if you leave, it doesn't necessarily follow that he would have done that if you'd stayed.

I am pregnant with dc2 just now and dreading the sleepless nights the most!

I don't think we forget - I just think I made it though relatively unscathed and am burying my head in the sand a bit because I think it will all be worth it anyway (ask me that mid November haha!)

Sorry sorry sorry I so not know how my post ended up on the wrong thread, please ignore

"I very much am aware of the fact that relationships are hard work."

You are very much wrong about that.

Good relationships are easy.

A relationship might go through difficult times, and you might choose to weather them due to a strong commitment to each, but they are not hard in and of thrmselves.

That is a lie women are told so they will stay in relationships that don't fulfil them.

You are young, unmarried, you have no kids, no significant responsibilities other than to yourselves.

If your relationship can't handle being young and fancy free together, it is not strong enough for the rest.

^^ AThingInYourLife speaks so much sense

Hi again - thanks for the replies. LucyH28 I am so sorry to hear your story and completely understand how you ended up where you are now. I hope that things work out for you.

To update: I ended things yesterday so things are a bit up in the air at the moment with trying to find somewhere else to live etc.

I stayed with a friend last night and when I popped back this morning he has been doing lots around the apartment. So he obviously does know how to!

When I spoke to him I said I love him but that this situation is making me too sad. He said that I obviously don't 'love him enough' if I am breaking up with him.

At the time I felt sad when he said that but now I feel mostly angry - I loved him enough to flip my whole life upside down and move countries. He didn't even love me enough to turn on the dishwasher every once in a while. How very dare he.

I think you've done the right thing. He maybe thought you wouldn't leave. Well done. Move on with your life and be happy. Good luck

Well done FortKnox.
"don't love him enough" eh?
You have so done the right thing. It is so true that you put much more into the relationship than him.
May your next relationship be with a grown up who truly values you, is lovely to be with and makes you feel great. Settle for nothing less.