When you do something for someone, do you secretly expect something in return?

[lottieandmia]

I don't get this way of thinking. My mum, when she has done something for someone, expects a massive show of thanks from that person. And if they don't do this she moans and stews about it and holds a grudge. This includes things like if she has her brother to stay for the weekend and she expects to be told how wonderful she is at the end with a gift.

I don't agree with her view on this.

Obviously I do feel that saying thank you is important but I don't think you can expect flowers chocolates and whatever else. And if you do, you are doing it for the wrong reasons imo.

Hmm. When I go to stay with family or friends I usually try to take some kind of gift with me. Wine, or chocolates, or a lasagne ... But thinking about it, if people come to stay with me, and don't bring anything, I don't notice. They've travelled to see me, I enjoy their company and that's enough.

We do have family members who go over the top on the thank-yous and the presents - I end up thinking "enough already! I cooked a meal, you said thanks, go home now!".

And in general "when I do something for someone" - I don't do it, expecting something back. But if I later need a favour back, and ask, and always get refused, I'd be annoyed.

I wouldn't expect any thing other then thanks really.

Sadly I'm still waiting for this from my sister one week after looking after her house, 2 kids, 3 dogs and 4 puppies.

Luckily I'm not holding my breath.

I didn't want anything material but I am very hurt at the lack of gratitude and will not be doing it again.

I'd fully expect a weekend house-guest to bring a small gift and to say thank you because I think it's good manners. Her DB sounds pretty rude actually.

No, and it makes me uncomfortable if people seem really het up about wanting to repay the favour. Almost enough to put me off being nice in the first place.

no. If i don't want to do something, or dont feel that I should; I don't do it. I hate that 'expecting something back'

No, but then I'm a great believer in treating other people as I'd like to be treated myself, and also in the whole 'karma' thing of doing something nice for someone when you can, and assuming (?) / hoping (?) that others will help you out when you need a bit of support.

I don't get the moaning threads on here about "why should I give her dd a lift when they never give my dd a lift" etc. I think, "Well, if I'm going anyway, I might as well take so and so - no point in going with an empty car".

No, I don't it's called building up a relationship.

I would hope that if I ever needed them in the future they might be there for me.

With someone such as a sibling, you already have a relationship...therefore they can come and stay, eat my food, and vice verse.

So is it only me that takes a bottle of wine, a cake or a few flowers if I'm staying at someone's house for the weekend?.... I was always told 'never arrive empty-handed'

I'd never arrive empty-handed as a guest either, but what people bring (if anything) to ours seems to pass me by because I'm usually busy cooking or whatever, when they arrive. I've gone long past that tedious business of sending thank you letters after we've been to friends' houses for dinner and these days much prefer less formal entertaining where mates rock up and no-one gives any thought to 'impressing'.

Personally, I can't bear people who keep running tallies of favours owed or hospitality given.

It's why I stay off threads with people moaning about their friends never reciprocating dinner parties, because I'd end up suggesting what's in my head which is that their friends can't stand them and inwardly groan every time they get an invitation from them

Not at all, no, although obviously if you're always doing things for someone and they never do anything for you (excluding, obviously, if they can't!) then that isn't really fair or reasonable. But I wouldn't expect anything back for doing something nice, no.

If someone is staying they normally bring something. Some very lovely ones write a letter or send a card afterwards.

I stayed with a friend recently and she commented I used to arrive with a party dress and a couple of bottles of champagne. Now I arrive with a car full of stuff and the dc:) plus a little gift.

But giving lifts, donating clothes, thanks is ok. Its part of the day to day life, and shouldn't be a stressor. If someone feels they have to go over the top, I feel uncomfortable, as though they aren't a friend really iyswim.

I appreciate it if guests bring something, but I don't think badly of them if they don't. I take a little something if I'm visiting friends, but not if I'm visiting brother & family - they would think I'd gone mad, and might even be a bit offended that I was treating them like people I didn't really know...What a minefield!

No I don't, generally, but I would notice if it was always one-way. As regards house visits, I would consider it rather rude to turn up without a small gift, unless it was very close family, and even then I'd probably take something. If people are staying over with you most are aware that you've made beds, bought extra food etc even though hopefully you're happy to see them. However, I wouldn't necessarily notice or care if a visitor to our house didn't, unless they were a right pain like one last year!

I suppose the key question is whether your DM takes a gift and says thank you nicely when she visits people!