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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

informal separation- need advice

5 replies

tiggy3 · 21/06/2013 14:59

Hi I have been looking on this forum for advice but cannot find what i need so this is my first post please help!!

I have 3 children all young teens and have been married for 20 years.

My DH, who works away decided a few weeks ago, out of the blue, that we should separate as his new job will mean he can't come home as much and wants a new life! said no one involved.

Felt he was lying to me about why he would want to destroy our family so confronted him and he has admitted he has met someone and has been texting/messaging and met a few times plus he has met her family and kids. He says it is not a relationship because they have not had sex!!!! and this has been going on for 5 months.

Finances wise he said he would make sure we were all looked after and that he would not pull the house "out from under" us. He would pay half the mortgage and pay maintenance to me of an amount I decided I would need, all very reasonable.
How can I be sure he does not go back on the financial agreement we make. What happens if 3 months down the line he decided he doesn't want to carry on with the financial agreement, how can I protect us!

I am in emotional turmoil at the moment, not eating and not sleeping please give me some advice

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/06/2013 15:03

I would seek legal advice asap from a Solicitor re divorce proceedings and not believe a word he says about any proposed verbal financial agreement he makes between the two of you.

InNeedOfSense · 21/06/2013 15:06

So sorry to hear this :(

Regarding money: go to Financial Mediation together, and put it all in writing. A mediation documents isn't legally binding but can easily be made so by the courts. I'd get onto this PDQ if I were you.

Hope all works out. I separated from my h 6 months ago, and am doing okay. See a GP if the insomnia continues, and unless you are thin and can't afford to lose any weight, try not to worry too much about not eating - drink enough and try to get some sleep, then food will start to appeal again soon. This was my experience, anyway. :)

InNeedOfSense · 21/06/2013 15:07

Meant to add - Mediation centres are all over the UK. Total cost for 3 sessions is usually around £500, but completely worth it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2013 15:08

Sorry you've been hit with such a bolt out of the blue and hope you have some good friends and family around you for support. He's got this all worked out, hasn't he?.... this has been a long time in the planning and it's rough when you're the last to know. Definitely see a solicitor rather than leave anything at all to chance. Guilty exes are often very generous verbally. Then they find out how much it costs to live independently and suddenly they change their mind.

Original poster
tiggy3 · 21/06/2013 16:33

Thanks for messages havn't been able to talk to too many people as DC do not know yet. My DH didn't want them to know and keep the separation between ourselves but I told him i couldn't live a lie like that. My DS has exams in a few weeks time so I am having to keep it all inside until after that as it would be unfair to upset him before them.

It looks like the legal route is the way to go but would that not mean that the house would have to be sold, I cannot afford to buy my DH out and wouldn't be able to get a mortgage on my own as only work part time

OP posts:
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