DB's ex has been sent to jail

[WorriedBigSister]

(I'm reverting back to an old NN from last year, guess I'm still worried)

DB's ex girlfriend was sentenced this week for assaults last year against DB, DM & DF, and has been sent to jail for 12 weeks, out in 6 if she's on good behaviour.

None of us expected that. We all thought she might get a suspended sentence or something, and it's all quite a shock. I got quite upset when I heard yesterday and I wasn't even directly involved. Not that I'm upset for her, just for all my family who've suffered because of her, especially DB & DN (who have been well clear of her since before Christmas).

DB wasn't up for chatting last night, which I kind of expected. Can't think what's going through his head right now. It's not even the end of it for him, he's still waiting on a final verdict from the family court and still has to testify against her for a further, really quite bad assault on him.

Not sure what I hope anyone will say to all this, just wanted to write it down I guess (have written parts of this down before on here). DH is of the opinion she's got exactly what she deserves, end of. Maybe it's that simple, but I don't he's seen the ongoing effect it's had, especially on DB & DF. I don't think any of us were mentally prepared for that sentence at all. (DN was never hurt and is hopefully too little to have been very affected.)

I think DB still had some hope he could get on with her amicably so they could deal with whatever access she gets to DN. Don't know what'll happen with all that now.

It sounds like you family has been through and lot and sadly no-one comes out of a violent relationship unscathed.

However, people do move on - in their own time.

You say you havent really spoken to your DB yet - so at the moment you can't really be sure of his emotional response to this news.

The fact he had been hoping for an amicable relationship with her moving forward, shows he is the better person here and that may still be possible (he didn't set the sentance after all). However, I would to be blunt, be worried about any level of access with a parent (male or female) who is capable of seriously assulting familiy members.

I think there is a lot of work for her to do to prove she is capable of controlling her behaviour, before the question of access even arises.

The reality is that the punishment is corrolated to her crime and I struggle to see how her being jailed is a bad thing. It's a clear statment to everyone involved of how unacceptable her actions were and she needs now to seek the appropriate levels of therapy/anger management to ensure she is no longer a danger to those around her.

I think you're right in being blunt about her access - he's got alot of support through the family court process, and knows full well she has alot of anger and behavioural issues to deal with before she can properly contribute to parenting.

She was on fortnightly supervised visits in a contact centre and I think they were partly waiting on the criminal court proceedings before making final judgement. I don't know whether it occurred to him that she might simply not get any access at all (which may well be the result of all of this).

I saw him at the weekend and he knows it might be years before she sorts herself out, I'm hoping he'll be able to get on with life once various descisions and rulings are made.

Your DB and your parents are entitled to feel vindicated if she's been given a custodial sentence. It means they've been 100% believed, supported and that this woman's behaviour was very serious indeed. Your DB clearly needs further help in coming to terms with the fact that he can't ever have an 'amicable' relationship with someone who is violent, that it is not his responsibility to help her 'sort herself out' & reassurance that it isn't his fault that she's been convicted. Victims of abusive relationships often have hangover feelings of guilt and responsibility towards their abuser. That and practical matters (sole custody, for example) would be the approach I'd be taking.

I think that's exactly it Cogito, he said the other day that he knew people were talking sense in saying 'you don't owe her anything' but that it's only just sunk in very recently. And that's six months after he and DN fled. He's felt a responsibility to 'fix her' for such a long time, I guess it takes time to fade too.

It's funny that that feeling of vindication isn't there, maybe that'll come. It was a massive weight off all three of them when they got to testify, I think that helped Dad loads in getting to say his piece and was a big relief to DB and DM, but the sentencing hasn't done the same for some reason.

Maybe they / all of us have tried deliberately not to think about how bad it was, because it was so traumatic/upsetting, and facing up to it being bad enough for jail has brought all that back.

Wise words from Cogito....

Focus on the practical and emotial reassurance that your DB's should feel no responsiblity to his Ex in this situation. His focus should be his own mental well being after such a difficult time and the forward needs of his child, who is not going to benefit from the inclusion of a violent mother in her upbringing.

The Ex has committed a serious crime and has to take the consequences. The fact the crime was violent will of course bring into question her ability to parent in the future - as it rightly should.

Can I say thanks too Cogito - you posted on my threads back when it was all happening, pointed me to some really helpful stuff and gave me a boot up the backside to call SS. Very much appreciated

I think you're right Tulips, and I'm hoping that her being completely out of the picture for at least six weeks will give him a break, and he can focus on himself.

It's a form of grief for your brother. He is to some degree in mourning for a family life he wanted but has now lost. I very much doubt when he entered this relationship he expected it to end with violence and jail.

Generally none of us switch feelings "on and off". They develop (for the better or worse) over time. It may take some time for your family to fully reconcile what has happened.

There is no right or wrong way to react to the sentencing. They just feel as they do. All you can do is continue to offer support and keep re-iterating (when the matter arises) that Ex created her own fate and deserves no sympathy. You all need to move forward without her for the sake of DN.

You're welcome. Have your family or your DB specifically been offered any kind of victim support or counselling? They've all been victims of domestic violence, had to relive it in court, and that's a traumatic experience. Your DB (and I remember the other thread) suffered very badly for quite some time before he got out of there and that can really damage someone mentally. He needs a version of the Freedom Programme most likely or he could ask his GP for some kind of post-traumatic stress counselling.

Yep, that's it exactly - mourning for a family life that was lovely at times. And he did really love her. I can see it fading but just one of those things that takes time.

I've suggested (gently) a few times to my brother that he has a chat with the GP and see if counselling is available but I'm not sure if he's done that at all yet. He's had a good few chats with the pastor who helps out at one of the toddler groups though, and I think that's helped a bit. I'll see if I can gently ask again. I know he's found some really useful books that have helped him understand the situation a better too.

I mentioned it to Dad too, I'll ask him again when I cal next as I suspect he'd be more willing to take it up if he's still getting upset by it.

I've just figured out I could pop down there at the start of the school hols too, when the 6 weeks will be up, just in case things are tense at all. And maybe at 12 weeks too if needed.