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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don' think there is anything anyone can do just need to rant

18 replies

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/06/2013 09:00

Bckground Story: Last April ExH confessed to having affair with another Mum from school. Said he wanted to give marriage a shot, but actually continued to see her and then was surprised at Relate session when I said I couldn't continue with marriage while he continued his 'friendship' (his words). He moved out 30th June last year first 'sleepover' with OW with DD there on 3rd July. Since then OW's DD has verbally and physically bullied DD at first ExH and OW could imagine how it was happening, but it has mostly stopped after I pushed hard.

Originally ExH was going to file for divorce I signed all the papers he did nothing with them for 6 months added to his total inability to change his address on anything change any mortgages etc. Where he was off the house mortgage very quickly I organised all that.
Anyway I though I was doing okay and moving forward, but the last 24 hours have shown me I wasn't OW was at Sports Day yesterday and all my previously anxieties surface up feelings of panic etc (I had these this time last year, but thought they had subsided). And I am back feeling really angry as this morning as I dropped DD at school ExH dropped OW's DD off at school something he claims he is unable to do for our DD.
Hopefully DD will change school in 2 years time and it is highly unlikely that OW's DD would change to the same school for a whole variety of reasons. I am I really going to feel like this for the next 2 years?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2013 14:29

Betrayal makes a deep wound and leaves big scars.... Best way to heal is time and physical distance. 12 months is so short it might as well be yesterday and, if you all live locally and they're in your face, you're going to feel the pain every time you have to be near them. 100% normal. If you can't avoid tripping over this pair, it might be better to change DD's school now rather than subject yourself to another 2 years of anxiety. Bit tough on DD but could be necessary for your peace of mind

Original poster

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/06/2013 14:58

Thank you for your thoughts, I forgot to mention the reason I can't move her sooner is ExH will not agree to it.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2013 15:00

I'd go ahead and do it anyway. What's he going to do?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2013 15:02

Sorry... that sounded rather bloody-minded. What I suppose I mean is that one reason why you feel so wretched is that you're not in control of anything at the moment. You can't change school. He delays signing papers. His new girlfriend is at sports day and you can't influence that.

I think you need to find as many areas of your life as possible to take charge of, even if (maybe even especially) it's against your exH's wishes

Original poster

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/06/2013 16:49

Sadly legal advice is do not move against his wishes or without specific agreement. Plus as they are both private schools they need both parents signatures unless there is a court order.
As I say nothing anyone can really do

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 21/06/2013 18:04

You have lost a dishonest and unfaithful man and she's gained one. Pretend to be cool with it... Eventually you really will be.

Absolutelylost · 21/06/2013 23:24

I have a similar difficult time - ex OW lives 100 yards away in a tiny village, our DD's are in the same class and its hideous. I want to stab her daily. Not sure how to get around this.

Original poster

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/06/2013 03:53

Absolutely this is almost exactly my situation. It is difficult to explain how much it controls your life. I don't have a solution beyond moving school which is not straight forward. ExH doesn't get problem and just says 'what do you think she is going to do'. I just felt like an interloper at DD's sports day. I seemed to be the one feeling ashamed and awkward and she is brazen and confident. I don't want to or deserve to feel like that.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/06/2013 07:03

Lovingfreedom is right. You've nothing to be ashamed of so step out of the shadows. I'm sure you could put on an equally brazen and confident face if you put your mind to it. Do others know the story? Could you (gently) gather a bit of support and encourage some judgey-pant hoiking locally?

FeegleFion · 22/06/2013 07:11

Be kinder to yourself. 12 months is no time at all.

Absolutelylost · 22/06/2013 07:15

I seemed to be the one feeling ashamed and awkward and she is brazen and confident. I don't want to or deserve to feel like that.

Exactly this. My only consolation at the moment is that the summer holidays are soon and I will get a break. What makes it worse is that it's a tiny school and a lot of kids come by bus. Sometimes there might be 3 of us in the playground. Me, her and another embarrassed mum. It's hideous.

Absolutelylost · 22/06/2013 07:16

I've got 3 years of this, unless one of us moves.

JustinBsMum · 22/06/2013 07:18

I seemed to be the one feeling ashamed and awkward and she is brazen and confident. I don't want to or deserve to feel like that

Aah, well once you've sussed this Lonecat you can write a book and make your millions .

But faking it until you make it might help. Pretend you are over it and relieved about it (which is, of course, how you should feel as you have lost a twat and gained independence) when OW is around.

According to a book by an expert psychologist/psychiatrist which I'm reading, if you smile it sends the right hormones round the body and will influence how you actually do feel.

And you can't do more for your daughter than to feel loving and happy.

JustinBsMum · 22/06/2013 07:22

Do you have a solicitor? It seems weird that Sadly legal advice is do not move against his wishes or without specific agreement

Try the legal thread about this - I thought DCs came first and your present arrangement doesn't sound pleasant - also putting DD with a DC who bullied her sounds v bad idea. Do you have any proof of bullying eg was it brought up at the school.

Original poster

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/06/2013 07:32

I have been smiling for the last year just sick of it not and feeling crappy on the inside.
Justine I have legal advice from very experienced family law solicitor trying currently to avoid court, but may have to go there. Advice is that if I move her against ExH's wishes it will set me in less favourable light with court over other issues. There are other reasons to move her beyond just my feelings. I have tried mediation which he doesn't want to do as it cost him money. It is all about him and her, she has lost her driving licence and their lives would be sooooo much more difficult if the girl's were at different schools.

It is a really horrible situation as I say I have spent the last year being brave and confident, it is not in my nature to encourage judgy pants and I have been accused if that and worse already. My only option is to rant on Mumsnet.

OP posts:

whitesugar · 22/06/2013 10:48

Lone cat this is not a nice situation but you are so much better than those vile people so please hold your head up & walk around like you own the show. You don't need to be loud or pushy just being dignified will do the trick. Other parents at the school & teachers will have scant regard for those people. Just because they have to be civil to them doesn't mean they have any respect for them. Any man who would bring OW DC to his own DD school whilst saying he can't take his own child is a complete lowlife. Trust me people notice this. As sure as eggs he will treat her the way he treated you when the glow wears off.

A friend of mine sent me the little story at the link below once when I was riven with anxiety, jealousy & other horrible emotions. Essentially it's about feeding those emotions against other feelings like love and kindness. The emotions we feed are the ones that thrive. I am on kindle so can't link properly but the link is at url below & it's the Cherokee story
tttp://www.utexas.edu/education/resilience/best.html

I hope that I dont sound too corny by sending this link but this little tale helps me practically every day. It helps me from damaging myself by being hurt by others callousness.

If nothing else I would love you to read it because it took me ages to type out the url on this thing! If I was on laptop would be no problem but can't be bothered getting out of bed to go to teenagers room. Don't want to wake them because I am enjoying quiet house.

Both you and Absolutely need a lot of support because that is a horrible situation to be in. Hope you have a nice day.

Hareseeker · 22/06/2013 11:07

I,m so sorry you are having to go through this. To add to the smiling releasing hormones tip. Standing like Wonder Woman or another superhero of your choice for 30 secs and visualising said superhero is also said to release strength enhancing hormones. 30 seconds, somewhere quiet just before a typical crossing of paths may be helpful.
Unmumsnet hug for you.

JustinBsMum · 22/06/2013 14:00

it's the end of the school year so hopefully you will get a chance to recharge through the summer. Am glad you have good legal advice keeping you right.
make sure you log any comments by DD against the present arrangement as they might come handy in the future.
Best of luck. Hang on in there, things change when you least expect them.

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