Relationship after a DV relationship

[flingerflanger]

Have been a lurker for a while on here but thought I would ask for advice as I do love the honest answers ;)
Will keep it as short as possible.
I was in a DV relationship for 8 mths, trips to hospital,broken ribs, bruising etc, police involvement and finally child protection (not his kids)
This ended it yet I did still love him but kids had to come first, we have been split up 6 mths now and until now have had no interest in men and have really struggled to get over him.
Have now met a great bloke (very very early days) but he has made me feel something that I never thought I would again.
Although early there are no warning signs, he does just generally seem a decent bloke, makes me laugh, happy to go at my pace etc ( he knows nothing about my previous relationship)
But I keep wondering if he is like my ex, as he was good when we first met as well and suppose I am struggling with when do you stop thinking about it and just go with the flow as such as really don't want to ruin this whatever it may be.
Hope someone can give a bit of advice whilst I walk around with this stupid grin I seem to have on my face permanently since meeting him lol

Congratulations on your new relationship. I was in a DV relationship for 6 years when I met my now dh. He was a nice, normal, loving, fun man. He still is. But it wasn't easy. I did a lot of 'testing' him, to see how he would react. I could see how skewed my behaviour was so I asked my GP to arrange counselling. It helped me move forward and work through my own feelings and fears. Have you done any of that? Once you are ready you will be able to enjoy this relationship for what it's worth. You can live freely again.

It's still early days for you, give yourself time and don't rush into anything with the new man - not saying you are, but put yourself and your dcs first.

Never be in too much of a rush to trust. Suspicion is what keeps us safe in the world generally. It's the impala at the water hole with the super-twitchy ears that lives longest.... :) You've had a very bad experience, your guard is bound to be up for a while, and it's up to the other person in the relationship to earn your respect and trust rather than there being any obligation on you to go with the flow. If you think you're acting abnormally then seek counselling but, otherwise, just see yourself as being a bit older and a bit wiser.

Thank you for your replies.
I did put my name down for counselling when the relationship ended but still waiting, in reality I really now feel that I don't need it, I have dealt with it myself in a way and really don't want to go back over again and again what happened as its just bad memories that need to be forgotten.

I have every intention of taking things really slowly, I am in no rush to take things faster than they need to go and am just happy taking it day by day.
Lazarusb can I just ask did you constantly over analyse everything he said at the beginning? maybe I am too much of a thinker and turn innocent comments into something they are not. Also does he know you were previously in a dv relationship? Obviously its not something that so early on is something that I want to talk about but I always feel that people look at me differently when they find out.

How many relationships have you had in your life? If there are others in addition to your violent X, compare them. If there is a pattern of controlling and abusive behaviour, you probably need to do a little more work. If your X is a one-off though, just chalk it up to experience. It happens more often than people think.

Only time will tell if your new man is abusive or not. All you can do to protect yourself is watch for the red flags and give yourself enough time to spot them before you make any significant plans with him. Keep it light for as long as possible.

After leaving my abusive X (many years ago now) I made abuse a pet study of mine, determined I wouldn't fall into the same trap again. For a while I went too far the other way, seeing controlling patterns where there weren't really any. It took time for me to establish a healthy 'normal', but I got there eventually.

6 months is a very short time. Especially as you have not yet had a place for counselling.

Definitely take things slow, don't rush to trust or commit to this new man too much. Your number one priority is to rebuild your own life, centred on your own interests and a healthy self-reliance.

I point a lot of people at this article It's quite a handy checklist for the early days of a relationship. Might reassure you... might have you running for the hills.

What counselling were you referred to?.

Womens Aid Freedom Programme may be of some use to you now. Such men like your ex do take a long time, even years, to recover from.
Have you really dealt with properly what happened to you, it does not sound like it.

Hi flinger. In my case I over analysed everything he didn't say! He is fairly quiet and was very willing for me to take my time, he never pushed me on anything, ever. I wouldn't have told him about the DV until much later but a friend of mine told him after 3 weeks. I was not happy (in fact I ceased contact with her a few months later). He was really shocked and told me he would back off if that was what I wanted. Sooner or later, because I have a ds with my ex, he would have become aware of the abuse as my ex carried it on after our relationship ended anyway. However, personally I would have kept it to myself much longer. I didn't want to invite a 'saviour' into my life or build a relationship on what I saw as an unequal footing.

If you feel that you don't need counselling, that's fine. I was completely screwed up though and needed to find myself again.

Have been away this weekend so haven't had chance to get on here.
Dahlen - See this is the problem I think, I am mid 30's and was in a relationship/married for 17yrs to a great man who is dad to my 2 dc who never even raised his voice to me and then my ex who was abusive so I am pretty naïve when it comes to dating/relationships.

Atillathemeerkat - I completed the freedom programme online as there was not one near me to attend but really don't feel it really helped that much.
I just don't feel I need counselling as its just raking up past events that I want gone.
If i'm being honest I don't even see what he did to me to be that bad and have never hated him, even now defend him to anyone who still speaks bad about him.
A friend told me months ago to write down a list of everything he did to me to see if it would make me see just how serious it was but even reading it doesn't seem that bad yet I let her read it and she was horrified and ended up in tears, kept saying I cant believe you are still here breathing.

Maybe I do need that counselling after all lol.
lazerusb - Do you feel that the counselling has had a positive outcome for you? I know all dv cases are different.
I have no intention of letting the new man know anything yet, if it comes to a point where I need to tell him then I will but as its still early on its something that just doesn't need to be brought up

Maybe I do need that counselling after all lol.

There's no lol about it, and your friend is right.

Counselling really helped me. It put things in perspective, showed me it wasn't my fault and I started to realise exactly who I was and why I deserved to be happy. I'm not the same person now People who know me know wouldn't even guess at my past. Dh and I have a built a great relationship as equals. It also made me a better Mum I think, it showed that I can be wrong sometimes and there's no shame in admitting that.