How to put new boundaries down in a friendship?

[Coolasaurus]

A friend has overstepped the mark a bit recently and made a few comments that are a bit frenemy-ish. Her behaviour has started reminding me of someone who turned out after a few years to be a total frenemy and I had to ditch her and run basically.

I can't end the friendship as our sons are best friends and are at school together and it would just be too difficult, so I need to put some new boundaries down and disconnect from her a bit. Anyone got any tips?

I can't not meet up with her because of the boys but I was thinking of keeping conversation light and not really 'giving' much into conversations. Not sure what else to do?

What sort of thing is she saying?

Well it's just little digs really, little comments with a sting in the tail, and put downs. Like she'll ask a question and then go 'What? What? Eh? What you on about?' and look baffled when I answer as if I haven't answered her properly. And just slight put down comments about my kids and I. It's hard to explain, it's very subtle, small, almost petty things, but due to past experiences I know how these things can snowball a bit and it makes me wary.

Also things too like if we see any of my friends she talks really loudly over the top of me and engages whoever I am talking to in conversation with her so that I am sidelined.

How old are your sons? If 5+ then can't you do drop and run play dates? If much less, then I don't think they are old enough for real friendships.

If you go to the park etc. can't you just take a book to read/some paperwork?

See your fiends when she isn't there. In the playground if she monopolises them, then go and speak to the lost looking Mum etc.

Good luck.

They are age 5, mummytime. It's awkward as we've always met up with the boys and now if I start just dropping DS off or expecting her to she will sense I'm avoiding her.

She does the monopolising whoever I'm talking to; in fact this afternoon after school I was speaking very briefly with the teacher and she cut in there too and asked the teacher a total unrelated question and then boom that was it, my conversation was cut off midway through and I had to just lamely stand there.

She is not being subtle. She thinks you can't end it. That makes you a sitting duck of a target.

You can end the friendship, have your ds play with someone else. We Moms do alot for our dc, but there are limits. Imho, this is one of the justifiable times to have some consideration for yourself.

Take a hands on, eyes on, hobby like cross stitch or hand piece quilt blocks. Pretend to listen. Maybe she'll take the hint and talk to someone else or take up the hobby and behave herself.

But really, as you already know, life is too short to put up with this sort of person and their un-self-aware continuous stream of emotional abuse. Taper off, be busy, sick, over scheduled for every other date, then thirds, forths, etc fades out completely.

I really think that ending the frienship totally will cause trouble and bad feeling, AndTheBand :(, which I just think wouldn't be beneficial for DS in the long run.

I like your idea of taking an activity with me, and luckily I am starting a new job soon so I will have less time to meet up.

One other thing she has done is give me so much hassle for having hayfever; it's been bad this year and I have been taking a bottle of water on the school run as sometimes my throat itches and I have a coughing fit. Every day this week she has said "What you got that for?" in a really mocking voice

One thing you could do is to say, "I have to go now" every time she says something like this. Then don't take any notice of what she says. You could even tell your son that sometimes the woman isn't very nice to her and that whenever she's a problem, you'll be taking him home, just as you would do with him if one of his 'friends' behaved like that.

That's a good idea, ImperialBlether, I think I will give that a go, or at least start walking off to talk to others at the schoolgates if she says something nasty.

When she asks what you've got the bottle of water for, just say, "You ask that every time and I've told you I have hay fever." Then have a drink and say "OK better go, I need to speak to X." And walk off.

I like that idea too Imperial, thanks! And thanks everyone for the replies and advice.

I seem to have a bit of a habit of attracting that kind of person. I think it takes me a while to properly suss someone out though, and also those types seem to be lovely at first and then show their true colours a few months down the line.