How would you word this?

[BetterNotBitter]

After a few years of awful problems with my husbands parents we have eventually come to the difficult decision that we want to cut all ties with them.

We have tried repeatedly to repair our relationship with them but we've now come to realise that that's impossible.

It's got to the point that the stress of any contact with them is affecting my health, to the point where after the stress of one particularly nasty visit with them I suffered a miscarriage and then had a subsequent bleed which I'm still suffering the after effects from a year later.

My husband me I decided not to contact them to tell them of our decision until they contacted us, which they did yesterday, asking my husband for a meet up.

How would you word the reply telling them we've decided not to see them again?

Do you feel it's absolutely necessary to spell it out? I would find it very hard, and really I think if anyone should say anything at all it should be your DH not you. In fact, I would take a quiet, supportive stance re: his decision, because in the long term, you don't need them blaming you for turning their son against them. Forever is a long time. Perhaps you can simply be quietly, but resolutely, unavailable when they call?

How hard for you - and I'm so sorry for your loss. I quite understand why you don't want to see them right now. However, forever is a long time, and your DH (even if you don't) may change his mind as time goes on. Hence my suggestion that you don't take much responsibility for the talking at this point, simply allow things to take their natural course and let him sort out his own relationship with them as he sees best.

Any letter/email should come from your husband, not you or they will think that it is you manipulating/isolating him. Keep it short: "After several years of trying to make allowances for your increasingly unpleasant behaviour (or whatever), I have decided that it would be best/less stressful if Better and I had no contact with you.

I wish you well but would ask that you do not try to get in touch with me.

Mr Better"

I wouldn't word it at all.

I have cut off my xfil because he is a Machiavellian controlling disrespectful abusive lunatic, but I haven't told him this. I've just let him figure it out.

Why announce it to them as though you need to advise them, or keep them updated and in the loop?

Maybe at some point they'll confront you but then you'll be confirming what they suspect. You won't have to 'explain' it.

I don't know, I guess it depends what they have been doing to upset you both so much.

I completely agree it has to come from him, in fact I've had very little to do with the decision to sever ties. It was his cll and as it happens I agree with it. He has suggested is at numerous points over the last year and each time I've disagreed and persuaded him to give them 'one more chance'. I've now also ran out of patience.

I think the reason we feel like we need to tell them rather than leave it to fizzle out is because it won't fizzle out unless we're clear. It may be that they contact us less (especially because most contact thus far has been initiated by me) but they'll never stop completely. Every birthday or christmas we'll hear.

Neither of us feel that we want to keep any sort of relationship, even one that only rears its head occasionally, because those times, infrequent though they may be cause us massive stress.