do I stay with him?

[LBARTON]

I don't know if I'm cheating by posting this here because I'm not a mum - but I do have a question which I would like some advice on and having looked at these message boards it looks like the advice here is very sound. Here goes...

I'm 28 and have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years and we are now talking about getting married. I love him very much, he is kind, funny, clever and loyal, he gets on well with my family and friends and I know he would make a fantastic father and husband. My only doubt is whether the sexual side of our relationship is strong enough. I have never fancied him as much as I have fancied previous boyfriends but I have always felt such a strong emotional connection with him (plus he makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world) that I did not think it mattered especially at the beginning of our relationship. Over the last couple of years however we have been having less sex and more and more I worry that I don't fancy him enough to commit to marriage with him. I rarely feel like sex with him and I never look at him and think "I fancy you so much". I know it's incredibly superficial of me and God knows I am not perfect but there are things I would change about the way he looks and I don't find his body type particularly attractive. However when we do have sex (a couple of times a week) it's normally fun and fulfilling. I love him so much but I don't want to say yes to him if this is an insurmountbale issue which will only get worse and I just don't know what to do. I think maybe he deserves someone who is more sure. I have tried talking about it with him and he's very understanding but I think it's something I need to work out myself and I don't seem to be getting anywhere on my own.

Thank you so much for reading this. x

He's not right for you, listen to your hormones. Hormones don't lie.

If you have the money perhaps you should seek out a good counsellor who has experience with sexual emotions so you can discuss your issues - it could help you clarify your thoughts. You can sign up for a short, specific problem number of sessions (e.g. 6) to keep it relatively inexpensive.

You say you have spoken with your boyfriend about it - how does he feel? Did you say you didn't fancy him (that would be very hard to hear) or just that you thought your sex life needed a jumpstart?

I think if you're having sex twice a week and love him very much, I don't think it matters if you don't fancy him so much. Are you sure you're not just expecting the butterflies and excitement of the early days?

Eek, I didn't mean it doesn't matter if you don't fancy him, so much as you must feel enough attraction to be having sex twice a week.

In my experience the ones who give you butterflies & make you feel like you want to rip his clothes off are usually generally lots of trouble!!!

They fancy themselves as much as you fancy them & so do lots of other women!!!

I'd choose loving & caring but not all that passionate over a battle for the mirror any day.... But then I'm 10 years older than you & divorced back in the day I'd have been concerned over the lack of passion!!!

My suggestion is not to marry him (or have children with him). Put marriage on hold, and enjoy the relationship you have.

I'm saying this because hairline cracks in a relationship can become huge gaping holes with the passage of time, or a significant change of circumstances (stress of parenthood, someone new and very very fanciable on the scene, etc).

If you're mentally making a list of why someone is right for you, or the only one right for you.....they might not be right for you - or not in the long term anyway.

That's just an opinion, based on your post.

I'd not stay with.

As above. Hormones don't lie.