So sad for my DH, his Dad and myself

[firstpost]

So, a week ago they discovered my DH's Dad had a high grade Glioma (brain tumour) DH has been in Afghanistan with the Army since April but was flown to where he Dad lives on 7 day compassionate leave. Now he has been told he has no choice but to return to tour despite his Dad being terminally ill. The odds are by the time he finishes in November his Dad will be gone. :( The devastation this is causing my DH is hard to bear. He has to leave before the formal prognosis is given, so is likely to find out by phone after a 24 hour trip back to the desert.

Our DS2 is due in two weeks and if he wants to stay longer, ie to support his Mum through hearing the news then he has to miss the birth. That is the choice he has been given. Its counted as R & R! (the two week break in the middle of a 6.5 month tour) How fucking restful and relaxing to hear that your Dad will not make it to Christmas while your wife gives birth in another country.

Meanwhile I have been told basically, suck it up - no one promised you your husband could be there for the birth. Fine, I understand but having suffered with PND before and now currently suffering with ante natal depression (which I have hidden from everyone) this was not what I needed to hear. I don't want to put pressure on DH, but I cannot contemplate having this baby without him here. The army know about the PND but not my current state of mind.

At the moment I regularly think about not wanting the baby, or rather wanting it in the future with DH is around but not now. Wanting to give the baby away, wondering how soon after my epidural wears off I could leave the hospital and run away. When I think of the new baby I just imagine how hard it will be, I feel sort of flat and like I am totally disconnected to this poor baby who didn't ask to be born. DS1 was born after years of infertility and several rounds of IVF so admitting I feel this way about our "miracle baby" is unthinkable.

My DH knows about some of the thoughts but I am absolutely determined that no one else should know. Please don't tell me to tell my midwife or family because I wont. Now I cant lean on DH even by phone as he will have enough to deal with. I am really hoping that once the baby arrives this will all resolve.

My relationship with PIL is not great but I do not wish this pain on them and it kills me to see how DH is hurting. Right now the army feels like a prison. If we lived a "normal" life he could be making plans to visit and make the most of this precious time, my DH will have to live with this for the rest of his life.

Just venting really, there is no solution to any of this.

My heart goes out to all of you. That is an awful situation for your DH and his parents, and it is so sad that you are hiding the state of your mental health, you poor love. Please, please, please go to your GP and ask for some help, there is nothing shameful in suffering from ante-natal depression and you don't need to go through this by yourself.

If you can't say the words out loud, just show the GP your post. S/he will know how to help you.

And you really do need to talk to your husband about how you're feeling - it isn't your fault that you're ill at the moment, and although the timing isn't great, the situation needs to be dealt with by the two of you together. He needs to know what's going on with you, as there are obviously somehow decisions to be made here. He needs to be in full possession of the facts in order to do this, and you need support.

Please do not hide your ante natal depression from anyone any longer; you need help and as soon as possible. Please start talking to people.

Ante natal depression is more common than many realise and you need support now.

Please call these people today; they can and will help you. They are called Pandas www.pandasfoundation.org.uk. Their helpline number is 0843 28 98 401 and they are there till 8pm today.

Why do you feel unable to tell anyone about your ante natal depression?. It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, being afraid to tell anyone is actually one of the symptoms of antenatal depression as is admitting to feel this way about your "miracle baby".

You've actually told someone about it by writing on here about it and that is a small but significant and important step on your part.

Re your DH has he talked to SSAFA?. They may be able to help him here as well as your good self.

I would urge you to get help and now. You have nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever.

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry for you and your family. It must be awful to be in be midst of this.

Completely different situation, but I have also been having antenatal depression, while Dh is dealing with his parents' terminal illnesses. I can understand why you don't want to tell him or anyone else what you're thinking. But you do also need to look after yourself, and try to help yourself get better - that's not just for your own sake, but to help your Dh and your dcs as well.

I know you don't want this, but one thing that has helped me has been going to see a counsellor once a fortnight, through the hospital. I didn't have to tell them about the depression - I just said I was worried about pnd and they offered me some sessions. I don't go into much detail but just knowing there is an hour coming up in the next couple of weeks where I can get things off my chest without feeling guilty about burdening someone, has been a big help.

But I know you do want to go down that route so don't want to pressurise you, just let you know that there is help available and no-one will judge you or make you d anything you don't want.

Start with the basics: are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating healthily and regularly? Do you ever have any time to treat yourself?

What lovely supportive posts, thankyou everyone.

Does Ante Natal Depression sometimes just resolve when the baby is born? The birth is only 2 weeks away, and my instinct is to wait and see. I honestly think I would feel so different if the baby was due in November, so maybe this isn't "real" AND?

No, not getting enough sleep! A toddler who is missing his Dad and given up sleeping through the night, heartburn and pregnancy insomnia have seen to that Not eating particularly well as I find real cooking too difficult with my DS around and being unable to stand at the counter for too long due to back pain. Mainly microwave meals and stuff.

Have lots of support in place for post baby, and will not be alone with the two kids until the new baby is 10 weeks or so.

Am a bit worried this post is so identifiable, it took a long time to admit to myself I don't feel the right way about this baby. Then longer to admit to DH. Now to lovely strangers on the internet, it is out there which makes me feel very vulnerable. I would hate for anyone in RL to read this.

I love my Mum dearly but she is a gossip and would tell "random friends from the village" back at home whether she would admit it or not. I have said to friends my feelings about the baby are tangled up with my feelings about DH's deployment but haven't talked about it in official" language of ante natal depression. If I get PND then I guess I will have to deal with that, I will not hide it.

Just expected more from the army "welfare" team wish my DH wasn't suffering so much. Could they not use some compassion and allow him an extra week with his parents before he flies home for the birth? :(
Why should he have to make such a choice.

Do you live on camp? Have you spoken to the Padre or Families Officer?
If you talk to someone, (midwife/GP) it may assist your DH in his request for more time to support his family. I understand though, if it's something you can't face doing.

I live off camp, my midwife is from med centre and is definitely old school. Very knowledgable but matter of fact and from the "man up" school of medicine.

If things get worse or rather dont get better when baby arrives I will speak out. With two weeks to go and dh flying back to desert on Saturday it all feels too late to do anything now.

Thanks writing here allows me to say the words I can't say in real life.