Confused and Hopeless

[mummytasha11]

Hi everyone

I have posted before and found the advice on here brilliant so thanks for that everyone

Basically me and my ex split up in march..we were due to get married this August and I had chosen my wedding dress then 2 weeks after he decided he no longer wanted to be with me and gave me his key back and moved back to his mums.

Since then things have been amicable and we have stayed in contact...more recently we have been texting/talking like we are still together and saying things like we miss each other,etc.
he wanted to get back together about a month ago and I said I wasn't sure and that I thought we had come to the end of our road together, no trust anymore etc.

Now I think I do want to give it another chance but he doesn't think he does?

So confusing and weird

Background to why I can't trust on him is that 2 years ago when I was pregnant with my little boy he cheated on me with a girl that was pre-arranged it only happened once but then apparently a few months before we split up he signed up to pof.

Just
Don't know what to do?? Help or advice please

Why would you want to give him yet another chance if he does not think he does?. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; it just does not work.

Your son as well deserves better frankly.

This man has proven himself beyond all doubt to be untrustworthy and unworthy. He is a liar and a cheat.

No trust = no relationship. You cannot come back from having no trust in him.

Do not get back with him under any circumstances.

So he cheated when you were pregnant.
You planned a marriage. He called it off.
He then went on a dating website before you had ended the relationship.

Oh yeah! He's a keeper.

Why oh why are you considering giving him another chance?
You know you deserve better.
Don't do it for the 'better the devil you know' as he'll do it again and again.
Keep well away and keep communcation to a minimum.

I think you need to accept that because you have a child together you will always have feelings in for your ex in some way. It can be very difficult to cut the emotional ties completely with the parent of your child, and it can be a rope (or should I say a rubber band) pulling you back again and again and again. It's natural, you have a family bond even if not actually married. This is why it makes no sense to have children before getting married (I'm not judging I have two children myself and am not married; but have had loads of time to think about much it all doesn't make sense. Obviously in another life, knowing what I know now, I'd do things differently)

I'm not saying it can't work though. I think it comes down to why exactly he didn't want to go through with marrying you and had a fling. I think you should ask him why he did what he did and be prepared to hear uncomfortable truths without interrupting, getting defensive or blaming. Even if what he says seems blatantly unfair. Only then can you know for sure that he will never change and you can move on in peace or whether both of you can try to move forward together. Maybe he is just immature, but I believe there is always more than one side to every story, and if you can give your son a family it's worth a try.

I have asked him why he did it and all he ever says is curiosity or answers with 'I don't know' he always ends up upset and never usually says a lot which is why it's hard

We were together for 9 years...engaged after 2 and decided
To have a baby after 5 years so I guess on hindsight yes we should of married first but actually I'm glad we didn't now all this has happened because I wouldn't want to be divorced at such a young age.

I took him back after he finished with when I was pregnant with our 'planned' child but I didn't know he had slept with someone had I known that I probably wouldn't of spent another 2 years with him

I'm just so confused

This is very probably what happened:

He cheated on you and you forgave him.

He signed up to POF, started meeting people or one particular person and having sex, so he left.

That didn't work out, so he tried to get back with you.

He's now met someone else, so he doesn't want to get back with you any longer.

He'll probably keep you dangling and doing the push-pull routine forever more, if you let him.

Don't be the fallback kid for this sexually incontinent man.

It sounds like you love him with a complete love, i.e., the kind of love that sees you through the difficult times, and loves someone even when they are not their best self.

It sounds like he loves you too, but, unfortunately, the love he feels is not a complete love. When a man loves a woman fully other women do not rival in his attentions. Nothing will stop him from honouring and cherishing the woman he loves, and he puts her above all others. You don't have to ask, nag or demand this treatment: a man completely in love will just give it. You could be ugly, selfish, or a right cow and if a man loves you fully it will make no difference to him.

This may be why he finds it difficult to understand his behavior himself. And why you find his behavior confusing. Some men would get round it by just saying "I don't love you" rather than wondering why they spent so much time with a woman they have no feelings for. The answer is they do have feelings - some very deep, but that 'extra something' is missing and they cannot explain it at least not without sounding incredibly harsh.

It's not healthly for your self esteem. So if this is the case with your ex, but you still love him, my advice is to give him space as you were doing before. Don't phone him unless you have to, but be nice when you see him. Don't give the impression that you may want him back or get into conversations about getting back together. Let him feel like he has the freedom to decide when he wants to come back. Let HIM choose you. Completely. Be prepared to wait.

Ask yourself though how would things be different? Are you a different better person? You can only change you. You would have to change how you responded in the relationship before. You cannot change him. HE has to want to change himself.

If you cannot do this then I say move on and don't look back. You're young and you've got your whole life ahead of you with many wonderful things to come regardless of which decision you make, so it's not a win/lose scenario.

Jesus wept...

Be nice to this man who's screwed around and has been looking for sex on POF? Let him feel he has the freedom to decide when he wants to come back?

Alternatively OP. you could decide that you've had quite enough of this deeply unsatisfactory specimen and return him to the factory, marked 'defective'.

I didn't judge the worth/worthlessness of the O.P.s partner. No one really knows what goes on inside another persons relationship and who is 'right' or 'wrong'. People can and do make mistakes in relationships. That doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't mean there isn't any genuine love there either.

Sometimes things can change. And yes it is best to be nice, even if you have to grit your teeth, when children are involved. Children want parents who can at least love each as friends if nothing else. And who am I to tell the O.P. who she should and should not love? As I said, if she wants to she can walk away, but if she wants him back for the sake of all that's gone before that's her right too. Each course has consequences and each course presents uncertainties.

IHateWinter
You are in effect teaching the OP how to become a drippy doormat. Are you one yourself, because you sure as hell sound like one.

Personally, I don't think there's any 'uncertainty' about what life would be like if the OP takes this man back, or waits for him to come back of his own accord.

More of the same, until he runs out of opportunities to be unfaithful.

I don't see how trying to be civil or nice to your ex partner when you have a child together is being a doormat. It's being mature and thinking of your children instead of yourself - exactly what every parent, male or female needs to do.

Also agree that it's possible to love someone but just not enough and that extra bit is just not there - OP should probably just cut her losses but sometimes it takes a while to realise this and there's no shame in that - it's much easier to see the problems clearly from the outside of the relationship.

Thanks NorthWitch

I've been off this site for nearly a year due to the nasty personal responses I've seen meted out by people who like to give opinions themselves, but don't seem able to respect those of others when they contrast with their own and who then resort in a grown-up fashion to calling other people names.

I leave a few messages here for the first time in months and what do you know, the atmosphere is exactly the same!

Drippy doormat? Not at all. I'm personally of the school of thought that any man worth his salt should do all the running and my advice to the OP is to do exactly that. Let HIM do the running, as opposed to suggesting him to come back etc. as she has done before. The effort he takes to try and win her back is the way she can gauge how sincere he is, and by backing off she gives him space to really appreciate what he's missing as he has taken her for granted before.

That's If she still wants him. It's her choice as I believe I have said. The road to happiness is not always plain sailing.

I thought your post was very insightful IHateWinter and was pointing out the different options the OP has and the right to make her own choices.

There are many women who have hung around waiting for a man to commit, have a baby or stop philandering and have found to their cost that he just did not love them enough but will quite happily do so when he meets someone he loves more. The OP should consider whether her partner is just 'settling' for now and is not able to love her enough.

There are also women who take their DH back after infidelity and their marriages survive. It's good advice, which I think the Shirley Glass book Not Just Friends also recommends, to detach and let him do the running. Men can make mistakes and put their relationships and family life at risk but wake up when DW throws him out and gets on with her life and he realises just what he is in danger of losing.

It is then up to him to show that he is remorseful and change his behaviour and up to her to decide if she wants him back. When women forgive too easily without expecting any effort from the DH it's a mistake IMO but it is her right to take him back if/when she wants.

Often men who cheat will cheat again but as you say his behaviour and attitude will show the possibilities - continuous cheaters will not take responsibility for their infidelity and minimise the damage - a remorseful DH wont and will make every effort to show his DW he can be trusted again.

badinage is spot on..... You're his 'sure thing' when other options aren't available. To be picked up or dropped as he sees fit. If you persist in a relationship with someone who is always looking over your shoulder for a replacement you'll end up resenting him and hating yourself.

Be civil for the sake of your child by all means but don't take it further for your own sake.