Silent treatment

[notgoodatthis]

Me, that is

Not not talking, or sulking, but avoiding.

If someone hurts me I can't talk to them or see them or speak. I keep doing it and I despair. It creates a big log jam and I want to be able to do or say something but find myself avoiding. It can go on for years sometimes.

I don't want to be like this!

Oh dear Well not much help I guess, but my father is just terrible for silent treatment; I grew up with it.

He still does it now at 73. It's had the most awful effect on me over the years, esp when I was small. His manifests itself by either total silence or terse one word answers, saying he's fine when he's clearly not and worst of all glaring. Oh the glaring...Cleary he's raging but can't say why.

Often I've never known completely what was wrong. After a while, days usually, it'll blow over until the next time. The expectation then is that we never mention it

At least you are acknowledging the problem. It's terribly hard on the person on the receiving end. Would counselling help?

No, I don't do that. Perhaps I shouldn't have called it silent treatment but this is the bottom line. I clam up totally.

If I live with someone I can deal with it - I do talk, or try to work something out. It's if it is someone I don't live with or can choose if I see. If they hurt me I simply can't say anything. I wish I could, it drives me mad! I know people have been very confused about it and I really want to do something about it but I am struck dumb.

I think it may be that I am already very hurt and I am afraid of being hurt more. I am afraid of being jeered at.

I think it's avoiding rather than not being able to talk. I can talk but I tend to avoid so the opportunity doesn't present itself. It's silly sometimes. If I have a thing with a neighbour I have to brace myself to leave the house.

I'd really recommend counselling for this.

I know nothing about you, but something like this can often be rooted deep in childhood, which may mean you need professional help to get to the bottom of it. It's a defence mechanism where you retreat into yourself so that others do not have the power to hurt you. It's a very child-like thing to do and stems from a feeling of utter powerlessness.

In the meantime though you could try some CBT techniques to try to manage your behaviour a little more effectively.

To me the silent treatment is one if the most controlling behaviours there is. My response is put my coat on and fuck off.

So more of an avoidance than an anger thing?

I must admit I'm not good in conflict myself as a result of my father really. As I've got older I've tried to be more proactive about speaking up if I disagree or am unhappy about someone/something. It's hard though.

I've found it's usually better to say calmly what you see as the problem and at least get it said. Disagreements are part of relationships. It's ok to have them sometimes.

No way did I think this way when I was younger though. I would shake with fear at arguments. I used to think that people would cut me dead like my dad does if he's at odds with someone or fly off the handle like my mother. God they've been a right pair over the years.

But I realise that hoping people will cotton on to what might be wrong telepathically rarely happens. It's better faced at the time.

Op, when you avoid people, are you doing so because you still feel hurt, or do you fear becoming more hurt? Or is it even that the longer time goes past the more awkward it feels to speak to the person? Are you able to tell people how you feel in general?

In my experience, it is rare that I am heard if I say what is wrong. I think I need some stock phrases to help me get over that initial hump, because otherwise I can't speak.

I shouldn't have called it silent treatment because I really don't do what ChewingOnLifesGristle's father did. That is abuse and I don't do that. If someone calls to demand to know what is wrong, I do all I can to shut the conversation down, perhaps because I'm not ready? It is not fair on them, I know that, but I am not rude, just not ready or able to talk about it. If someone is coming at me aggressively I especially can't say what the problem is.

Because I fear becoming more hurt. It puts you in a vulnerable position to say you've been hurt. The response is often aggressive. I don't know how to say I've been hurt without eliciting an aggressive response. So I avoid until I can cope with it - then time goes on and it's in the past and it's too late.

You sound just like me.
Once someone's hurt me, that's it, game over. I will never contact or speak to you again.

I am able to tell people how I feel in general. In fact, I can be outspoken, though I'm aware of that so bear it in mind. I can come across strongly and it is perhaps that I am afraid of, too. I don't know how to tell someone they have hurt me without showing any emotion - for example, crying or saying it angrily. I have to wait until I calm down, and that can take a long time. I am desperately afraid of being attacked when I am already hurt.

The fear of being hurt again is natural. It's what stops us putting our hand back in the fire. But why should you have to control your emotions before you speak? Why shouldn't someone who has hurt you see how upset you are?

Nootgood it is called 'withdrawal' and in relationships it IS abuse.

You are seeing yourself as a weak person here, but to the person on the other side, you are the one in control of the situation.

Well done for wanting to change. Why don't you practise in small situations? Challenge yourself when you shut down and work on keeping yourself open (to possible hurt).

Have you got £ for counselling, CBT or hypnotherapy?

Notgoodat this - I could have written this thread.

I started having counselling earlier this year, because I knew what I was doing and why I did it, but I didn't know how to change. The counselling it is helping, slowly, but surely.

One of the tasks I have to do that has helped is:

A4 paper, mark into five columns headed

Stimulus - what happened that made you go 'ooh'?
Reaction - what was your reaction?
Feelings - what are your feelings to/about the stimulus?
Rational - what do you think the other person may have meant? What may they have been feeling when they said/did whatever? Why did you react in the way you did?
To do - how you would like to rectify the issue, what you could do

If you need it you can google lists of 'feelings'

HTH

Thank you for the tips.

I was crying buckets writing the above. I've had a break and I see now that I have a pattern of withdrawal. I am horrified at this. I really, really don't want to abuse anyone. If I am forced into a corner I say I am sorry, I am not ready, I am sorry if that is hard for (the person) but I can't tackle it yet - I try to be fair/emotionless, though usually I am flustered and frightened.

I am aware I have the power - but I don't know what to do with it! It's like a hot coal I can't hold. I know that sounds pathetic but I am genuinely confused and frightened. Plus my withdrawal has made people angry, which makes everything much worse. I said in my OP about the log jam that builds up.

I withdraw when I don't know what to say or how to handle a situation. When I'm ready and have calmed down, it's usually too late and the person has long gone. I don't blame them to be honest.

Here is an example: a friend was very rude to me in front of my friends. She was tired (but that is no excuse!) - she blew up at something minor. It was bullying, really. I was rooted to the spot, in complete confusion. I withdrew, shut down, unable to tackle it - not at the time, nor subsequently.

I want to say "Look, (you cow), don't talk to me like that!" but I am speechless. I can't even get that thought to the front of my mind, let alone out of my mouth. It may not be the best to call her a cow - though she was! - but at least I'd like to be able to tackle it somehow.

I suppose in an ideal world you could have used the mumsnet 'did you mean to be so rude' to your friend. Unfortunately it's not an ideal world.

With the example you give, I probably would not have said anything at the time either, even if one of the other people there had mentioned that what was said was rude/unnecessary. If you can process your thoughts/feelings quick enough you could have said something like 'I understand you're tired, but I am not being spoken to like that'. It would have put the ball back in her court, it then would have been up to her to apologise to you (or not).

The thing is you can learn what sort of situations/things are likely to trigger your withdrawal, or have in the past, use them to practise with and deal with situations more readily. It takes time and practice; I use my DH to practice on, because I know it's usually safe, he understands why I want to change, what I'm doing etc.

There's nothing to stop you going back to the person a few days/weeks later either and saying how what they said or did affected you. I have done it, the response has been surprising and not what I thought it would be.

I don't think I could have done it without counselling. As somebody said up thread, if you have the money, see a counsellor.

How often does it happen when you withdraw from people? I have to admit to having done it once in my life to someone who started cutting me out of their life( as they have done with many others) and wouldn't tell me what the problem was. I then was so hurt that I withdrew and avoided them like the plague, still do as I feel so awkward and hurt around them. This person has never tried to talk to me though. Do people you withdraw from try and talk to you about it? Try not to be hard on yourself. I feel like emotional abuse is a strong word to use in this case. YOu clearly find these situations very difficult and need help to get over them. I suspect noone you have cut off has suffered too greatly from what you have said apart from being annoyed, I hope counselling can help you move forward.

I am having counselling at the moment. I don't know if I can work with this. I like your model Minx179 but it is like a foreign language. I wouldn't know how to convert that model to actual experience - could you give me some examples?

I fear I have been exactly like your friend Laura0806. I know I hurt someone years ago and to this day I wish I could tell her why I suddenly withdrew. I have wondered about writing her a letter. I should have tackled her at the time. The story with her was that we talked for hours and hours on the phone. When my children were small I was a single parent, no money, stuck in the house a lot. She was married, also had kids, and had freedom to go out and move around. We met at an academic class and hit it off, especially intellectually. It was usually she who called me and we talked for hours - intellectual stuff, very stimulating. We didn't meet up but that was because I was stuck in the house in the evenings. I assumed she couldn't make it across the city, she was phobic about driving. I gradually found the calls getting very difficult to bear - I needed a real life person I could see to talk to, not a voice through a piece of plastic - and at the end of the calls I felt drained and dry, hollowed out. I started to feel like a good book she got out of the bookcase (she was very complimentary about my intellect). One day in passing she said she had 'been out with the girls' and I couldn't see why I hadn't been invited. I immediately withdrew (I was intensely hurt) - I suppose I felt used. She came to see me - so she could see me when it suited her! - but I still couldn't say why I had withdrawn. I was kindly but couldn't say what the problem was. She was so angry, obviously hurt and confused.

I have had work situations where I should follow a grievance, and have good cause, but I am afraid of the process (mainly afraid I won't get support and won't be heard and I will lose) and I drag my feet and eventually do nothing. I know I exasperate those waiting on my next move. I exasperate myself.

I'm living in a house where I have been given the silent treatment since Sunday. I am barely eating or sleeping my stress levels are so high. I fnd it one of the worst things to tolerate it's so hurtful, so I promise myself it's not something I will ever indulge in

This isn't borderline is it

"I am having counselling at the moment. I don't know if I can work with this."

Good on you! I love courage.

Yes, you can work on this and you will, and you are on the right track for getting something that is crippling you, out of your life.

Well done OP you go, girl

course you can work on it. I can understand why you were hurt and its a shame you weren't able to tell her but I dont think you should beat yourself up so much about it. I suspect its very different from the situations others on here have described where they get the silent treatment from someone they live with. i expect in those circumsatnces you would be able to tell them. It sounds like you find it difficult to express yourself for fear of what will happen if you do ( fear of more rejection etc), which is quite different from trying to make the other person suffer on purpose which is what some, who use the silent treatment do. good luck with it

OP you're not abusive. What you are doing is clamming up because you're frightened of confrontation. Not expressing yourself and therefore avoiding the problem by avoiding the person rather than tackling it directly and saying what you think. You say you're worried about being jeered at which sounds like you fear ridicule. Maybe you feel that you don't deserve to be taken seriously? I also wonder if you're too anxious for others to like you and are worried that if you say 'you've annoyed me' they will reject you. That's more of a confidence/self-esteem angle.

If you're already getting counselling of some sort then maybe raise this as an issue. Boosting your confidence, working on being assertive and expressing yourself even if it makes you temporarily unpopular.

Good luck

totally agree with what cogitoErgosometimes said. That is what i was trying to say but she has put it so much more eloquently!