Do you ever look at your partner and feel that they're a stranger?

[ClairityVerity]

Does that sound odd? I've been trying to decide for what feels like forever whether or not to stay in my marriage. We have a really good friendship but for reasons which I choose not to say (for fear of outing myself) I'm not in the slightest bit attracted to him, I think he's not the sort of person I would now choose as a partner (we've been married for 10 years), and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.

So I look at him and wonder how we ended up here. If we didn't have kids it would be easier to decide to go, but I'm putting off the decision because I feel obliged to make things work.

That's pretty crap, isn't it? I wouldn't want to be married to someone who felt this way about me, I really feel for him.

(why is life so complicated)

It's actually not that complicated. There are just more implications to a split the more connected you are. Children, finances, etc etc. Plus that social pressure to 'make a go of it'... which really only applies to minor niggled rather than fundamental incompatibility.

It's always traumatic to end a marriage but, IMHO, it is also very cruel to carry on playing Happy Families with someone just to humour them. Whatever you decide, good luck

Thanks Cogito. I'm a namechanger but we've chatted before and you're always so insightful.

You're right; the social pressure is creating untold stress and confusion, and making things much worse. I keep hoping I'll finally find a definitive or massive reason why we should no longer be together, so that I can justify it to others - when what I know deep down is that I just don't want to be with him any more.

There is rarely a definitive and massive reason... but you can waste big chunks of your life waiting for one. Do you think he's blissfully happy? Unaware of your feelings? Or do you think he's humouring you as much as you're humouring him?

I've been very straight with him. He knows how I feel and yet wants to stay with me - why??!! He tends not to process emotional stuff particularly deeply, which might explain it.

Constantly doubting whether you want to be with someone and not being the slightest bit attracted to them both sound like massive reasons to split. I appreciate that a split would be very complicated, but you seem to have strong reasons to me.

"He knows how I feel and yet wants to stay with me - why??!! "

Probably because he loves you and would rather not split the family up. Doesn't mean he's happy, of course. As you say, there is a lot to think about when there is a whole household involved. He may have worries that he'll be broke or never see the kids... there's a lot of urban myths about the way fathers are treated post divorce. Rather than keeping each other trapped in a bad marriage, how about taking advantage of the friendship you mentioned earlier and working as a team to make it as good a split as possible?

Thanks, Kez - it's heartening to know that other people can see things the way I do.

"Rather than keeping each other trapped in a bad marriage, how about taking advantage of the friendship you mentioned earlier and working as a team to make it as good a split as possible?" - that is exactly what I'm hoping for.

There is no WAY I would ever try to keep him and the kids apart, and as for finances, he's not the one who needs to worry, it's more likely me! But I agree with you about his happiness - I can't imagine how anyone can be truly happy knowing that their chosen life partner no longer loves them. Yet he genuinely walks around acting completely normal, as if nothing's happened, while it's all I can do to stop my heart from caving in.

I need to ask him about this directly. And I think I should bite the bullet and suggest that we work together to separate well.

Thanks, Cogito. You've given me a much needed helping hand. Now I just need to stop crying before the school run!