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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Use of sex aids.

25 replies

Jayne3474 · 20/06/2013 10:12

I am deeply uncomfortable about the following. I really need unbiased information.

My dh suffers from erectile dysfunction. We agreed that we would use a strap-on for when this occurs. We agreed that this would boost his confidence in being able to satisfy me.

But he has now shifted the goal posts and said that he would wish to use it on me even if he had an erection. I am deeply unhappy about this and told him so.

I am 'weird' about this and abnormal as 'most women want a bigger penis'

I feel emotional at the moment so be kind.

OP posts:

meditrina · 20/06/2013 10:22

Sex aids should be used with mutual consent (either both enthusiastic, or one keen and the other not minding IYSWIM). To insist, at times when the partner does not want one used at that time, is wrong.

Whether other women all want a lover with a bigger penis (which is not true anyhow) is utterly irrelevant, as he's not with other women, he's with you.

It's not however straightforward because this is bound in with his erectile performance, which is a big deal. I think a first approach is lots of reassurance that it is him you want and his size is absolutely fine. And perhaps lots of non-penetrative sex as well, to demonstrate in more ways that your pleasure is with him, not his dimensions.

Original poster

Jayne3474 · 20/06/2013 10:23

Please I really need help with this.

I don't understand this at all; WHY would he want to use this if he gets an erection?

OP posts:

TotallyBursar · 20/06/2013 10:25

I think it's quite big hints he is giving about where the root of this problem may lie.

It sounds very cold but you don't have to do anything, regardless of his feelings, amount of persuasion used or any other reason if you don't actively want to.
The answer to this isn't really in your hands from my pov - he needs to go and sort this out. You are required to draw your lines in the sand and hold on to your boundaries for the long term health of your marriage.

I am also uncomfortable reading that because of it's implications. What do you want to do? Is this the first time his behaviour would come across so poorly?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/06/2013 10:32

The WHY... plenty of couples like to use sex-aids as an extra turn-on. You're only acceptable with it as a replacement/prosthetic penis which is fair enough, but he may have got pleasure out of your reaction, regards it as a bit of extra erotic welly and that's also reasonably normal. If you're unhappy about it and you tell him then it goes back in the box....

scaevola · 20/06/2013 10:33

Maybe it's rooted in worry that he won't be able to maintain an erection throughout? And of course stress doesn't help. So finding an excuse to use an aid all the time could be one way to remove that worry.

Has he been to the doctor about his erectile performance?

Original poster

Jayne3474 · 20/06/2013 10:53

He became quite aggressive when I told him I would only be prepared to use it in event of no erection.

Verbally agressive: 'your mother was a slut and you've gone uptight about sex'

Sorry for drip-feeding but I'm so upset.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 20/06/2013 10:56

There's no excuse for what he said to you. He has issues and I'd be seriously re-evaluating my relationship if I were you.

NotSoNervous · 20/06/2013 10:59

He has no right to speak to you that way and he should respect that its something your not happy or comfortable doing. I do agree with others that this is his issue and maybe he has reasons he doesn't want to discuss for wanting to use it all the time.

yabyum · 20/06/2013 11:01

'Your mother was a slut'!

What a pig! How does he think verbal abuse will help your sex life?

Are you sure you want to be with this awful man?

Original poster

Jayne3474 · 20/06/2013 11:10

I just feel a bit violated about this; I've made it absolutely clear that while I have no issue about using this if he cannot get an erection, I've no problem but he is, I feel, brow-beating me into this when I've made it plain I don't want it.

Hence the verbal aggression.

I don't even understand WHY (I mean just why?) a man would want to use a strap-on IF he has an erection himself. If he hasn't fair enough.

I'm in turmoil about this.

OP posts:

DeskPlanner · 20/06/2013 11:10

He sounds a horrible man. He said your mother was a Slut ! Do you want to have sex with him ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/06/2013 11:17

That puts a whole different complexion on it and he sounds utterly repellent to talk to you like that. The 'WHY' is still the same, however.... he gets a sexual thrill from using a strap on or dildo on you. Selfish as well as inconsiderate and insulting, therefore.

paperlantern · 20/06/2013 11:19

Get out now. I would guess he doesn't get turned on by ordinary penetrative sex, instead by putting dildoes/stuff in you.

Fine in a consensual slightly kinky relationship, but essentially by pressurising you and becoming verbally agrressive he's shown he's not into respecting your right to say no. If he's not happy respecting it now how's he going to be in that heightened sense of being turned on.

TurnThatFrownUpsideDown · 20/06/2013 11:57

I'd chuck him and his strap-on out to the street.

IMO, you feel guilt-tripped into consenting to this. Sex aids should be considered fun and exciting - and both parties should be wanting them involved in their sex life.

He wants to use one all the time.

You don't.

Why does his 'wants' get put above your own?

I agree, it might be down to him being worried about maintaining an erection. If that's the case, maybe try talking about it. Has he actually given a reason why he wants to use it all the time?

But seeing how aggressive he was when you said 'no', I'd not be talking this man again - and definitely wouldn't be having sex with him.

yabyum · 20/06/2013 12:27

OP, feeling even just 'a little bit violated' isn't on, you know. Not on AT ALL.

CheeryCherry · 20/06/2013 12:36

How long have you been with him? How long has he had ED? It all sounds a step too far. How do you feel about him?

bestsonever · 20/06/2013 12:49

His idea to use a strap-on or yours initially? This could be a deep-rooted general issue he has involving his feelings and opinions (and lack of respect) of women.
Get out sooner rather than later, can't imagine a happy future would be possible with him for any woman, sorry.

pumpkinsweetie · 20/06/2013 12:58

When i first started reading your thread, i thought maybe using the strap-on is a huge turn on for him although if the feeling isn't mutual, then obviously tell him and keep it in it's box for days when he can't perform.
But reading further down, it seems there is more to this than meets the eye, the nastiness towards you, the insults and also you don't mention whether or not he has seeked help for his erectile dysfunction???

Tbh i would call it a day going on his other behaviours.
He is the one with the problem, yet he has chosen to wage war on your feelings & self esteem, get rid.

OneMoreChap · 20/06/2013 14:54

Before little blue pill, we'd v.v. often use a vibrator to ensure DW made it... with an uncertain erection it made me feel much better to know she was at least getting something.

The other thing is that the Hitachi is always successful - whereas sometimes I'm not.

PIV alone has never worked for us (well, it worked for me) so oral or fingers always helped along. With ED I had a lack of confidence and an aid encouraged me. I'm now more confident, and the aid is back as occasionally...

I never said my MiL was a slut because I was having problems, FWIW.

cronullansw · 21/06/2013 00:36

How do you determine if he has got an erection and thus whether you do or do not use the plastic friend?

Will you have a rigidity test, or a droop test? Maybe you could make him stand there, thrusting outwards in a magnificent manner, and you could try hanging his shirt on it for 30 seconds. If it stays hung up, you grudgingly grant permission for penetration, if it falls off, it's le plastique.

Or maybe he wants to use the strap on AND his cock? Whey hey! DP time baby, lube up.

Ok, being a little more serious now - I think you BOTH need to reassess your positions towards each other, not just him, you seem to have a lot of anger here.

BOF · 21/06/2013 00:52

You obviously want intimacy, so I struggle to understand the role of a strap-on full stop, frankly. Has he looked into Viagra?

If you feel bullied or pressured, maybe this just isn't a relationship that will work for you? It shouldn't be just about his ego and sense of power, especially if it has it has ingredients of inadequacy and resentment, because that can tip so easily into abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2013 07:15

" you seem to have a lot of anger here."

Whereas you'd be utterly thrilled and relaxed if someone called your mother a slut and hurled other insults.... If the OP is angry she has every damn right to be.

Roshbegosh · 21/06/2013 07:20

Jayne, does he wake up with an erection? This say whether he has a plumbing problem or something in his head. It will tell you whether he needs a urologist or a psychologist. What has your history been like sexually? How long have you been with him?

cronullansw · 21/06/2013 09:53

Cogito, op was quite clearly angry well before the mention of her mother...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2013 10:15

I see no evidence of 'quite clearly' in anything the OP wrote. She was very accommodating, drew the line at something she was unhappy about, and then got hit with verbal abuse and insults. This is not a two-way problem..

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