Just need to let this out.
I feel like we are in trouble. My partner is a bit depressed. I feel panicky a lot of the time, and tearful. I've just gone back to work a month ago. We have a little daughter who is 13 months. Money is a worry. My partner is out of work, he's been looking for work since oct or nov. He stopped the course he was doing in oct as we needed him to get a job and he wasn't getting anywhere with it, he was out of the house for 10 or 12 hours a day and never taking a day off, and still not getting it done. So he stopped to get work, but he hasn't been able to. Really I think he was just frozen then, i said some hurtful things, and we only really talked about that a few months ago. things started to feel a little better between us then, but our situation is still pretty dire.
I say i went back to work, but actually it's a placement as part of my course. i'll graduate in oct and then i can hopefully start work. My plan is to start applying for things in another few weeks, am keeping an eye on job ads and when I think it's not so far away that they wouldn't give me it i'll start applying. I should have something lined up by the time i finish.
I don't like the strain of feeling it's down to me to support us. it makes me angry that he doesn't have something. I am not being the loving supportive person to him that i should be or that i want to be.
I got us into this situation. I was so desperate to have a baby that i persuaded him we could start trying and it would be fine. I got pregnant right away, and I am still very very happy about that, and about our gorgeous little daughter (and I don't want to be hurtful to those having problems conceiving, I know how lucky we are to have her). However it wasn't fine practically - i couldn't finish my course (long story) and now he has had to drop out of his. he is miserable. I'll be miserable if he goes back to it. we never saw him, he had no time for us or anyone else, and he wasn't progressing with it so he was miserable anyway!
am i being really selfish for constantly making him fit my idea of what life should be, pushing him into trying for a baby sooner than he thought was wise, persuading him to stop his course, now angry with him because he isn't working/ trying as hard as i think he should to get work?
or am i stupid for putting up with him. i'm so cross. why can't he just do things like everyone else does. it's not so impossible to get a job, any job. then he could carry on doing what he likes around it. we've talked about that, just 10-20 hours a week. and when he was studying he wasted so much time.
of course i waste time when studying. i'm here on mumsnet for example, lurking for hours when i shoudl be doing other stuff. and i've been seriously depressed, i get what it feels like and how everything is so impossible and you feel flattened and shit and exhausted. but i am really scared about him feeling that way. he's my solid one, he's my support and i love him so, so much. i just hate that i am so angry with him now.
and we can't talk and that scares me.
our daughter is lovely and we both love her very much, and he is good with her. he's really stepped up since i went back to work (and he was good even before). but I feel like we are letting her down. and i'm worried i might be going downhill, and i get into a negative spiral where i don't feel like i'm being a good mum.
I don't know what the future can hold for us. I keep thinking of leaving him - not really, but it flashes into my head when i am cross or panicky. it's like i want to shock him into action.
help me. i can't talk to anyone in real life. it's embarrassing. i feel like we got into this situation and i have to cope with it.