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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a loser

22 replies

Orient8 · 31/05/2006 09:45

My friends and family keep telling me that I'm dating a loser and that he is no good for me, he is a nice person and we get on well, he's kind and generous but I do kind of see why they think of him as a loser but is it wrong to judge someone soley on their finantial situation and finantial attitude? He has a crap, dead end job and constantly moans about wanting out but never does anything about it, he's in thousands of pounds worth of debt but never makes any attempt to clear it or even make a start in paying it off. He still lives with his parents and makes no effort to change the situation and he see's nothing wrong in constantly asking his mum for money, even when he's wasted his own on stupid things and left himself short for important things. He has no desire to travel or see anything of the world which is a massive difference between us, he has no type of ambition infact when I last asked him what his 'lifetime goal' was he said "I like cars, beer and sex, Ill think about tomorow when it comes".

Am I fooling myself into thinking that our relationship could work just because we get on and he's a nice person? Is it right that he is a 'loser' and should this bother me or would that be materialistic?

OP posts:

anorak · 31/05/2006 09:51

If he were a stuggling student learning to be a doctor or something and you were complaining because he had no money, that would be materialistic. But he isn't. He's an able-bodied man who is using his parents to support him and will not take responsibility for his own life.

When you're paying the bill for two slap-up meals for the hundredth time I expect you'll start to get fed up with it.

Bugsy2 · 31/05/2006 09:51

Think you know the answer to this. Read your own post as though it were written about someone else & think what advice you would give them.

SSSandy · 31/05/2006 09:51

Hi Orient8, is he such a nice person if he sponges off his mum and sees nothing wrong in that? Wouldn't a nice person do things for his mum, give her little gifts and so on? Does a nice person make debts - that means he owes people money, people who made really need that money? Does he care about those people?

Don't want to say there is no good in him, but how can he be generous when he has thousands of pounds of debt? Generous with whose money then?

I tend to agree with your friends and family really.

bluejelly · 31/05/2006 09:52

Hi Orient8
How old is he? Just wondered why he was still living with his parents in such a childish way ( eg asking for money etc)

I must say that would put me off someone...

Original poster

Orient8 · 31/05/2006 09:54

see that's the other thing, he's only mid twenties so am I expecting too much of him? Is this normal behaviour for a man in his mid twenties and would I be better off going for someone older who may share the same interests in life as I do? (i.e. not booze, sex and cars!)

OP posts:

anorak · 31/05/2006 09:54

YES

anorak · 31/05/2006 09:55

Keep him as a friend.

SSSandy · 31/05/2006 09:55

Think to a degree most men share those interests Orient, regardless of age

FioFio · 31/05/2006 09:56

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FioFio · 31/05/2006 09:57

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bluejelly · 31/05/2006 09:57

I suppose mid-twenties is not as bad as mid-thirties or ( shudder) mid forties
However if he had no ambition to change his situation.....

Do you have children already orient8?

MrsBadgerAvecUneVoiture · 31/05/2006 09:57

My first response is that although he may be a nice and kind guy, it's not just his attitude to financial and material things that makes people percieve him as a loser, it's his lack of motivation and action, so it's not materialistic of you to be bothered about it.

If he was happy in his situation I could just about accept him as being unambitious and very laid back, but the fact that he 'constantly moans' about his job / money etc yet never does anything about it makes him seem like he avoids any sort of decision making and responsibility. This is also borne out by his reliance on his parents.

Your life goals and attitudes seem to differ widely - I guess you work hard for your kids' happiness and want the very best for your family (let's face it, most mums do) - he doesn't appear to work hard for anything at all; you want to travel and see the world, he has no desire to move beyond his current sphere.
This divergence of long-term plans makes me feel uncomfortable about how the relationship would unfold in the future, however nice he is.

Hope this helps slightly - I'm aware that I've rambled a bit!

bluejelly · 31/05/2006 09:58

Someone once said to me that you can tell how a man would treat his wife by the way he treats his mother.

Could be some truth in it...

lemonstartree · 31/05/2006 10:36

have you posted before? as skettle, and more recntly ?>
i think you know the answer - why is it so hard to do ?

fattiemumma · 31/05/2006 11:47

hmm well i guess unless you too are happy to stay in debt with no desire to see the world or make a better life for yourself or your children then i would imagine you will soon argue about such things.

i know they seem a little trivial now but do you really want to be holidaying in the local swing park becasue he cannot be bothered to sort his finacnial situation out?

if your dating him as nothing more than companionship then fine. but if you have any hopes for this relationship to move further adn for him to become a part of your life and your families life then you need to start looking at what it would be like in a few years time.

if you cant see it working then why prolong the agony

Caligula · 31/05/2006 11:50

He sounds like a perfectly OK friend to have around, but he is not a partner. If he allows his mother to carry him when he's in his mid-twenties, then he'll allow another woman to carry him for the rest of his life. If you want to be that woman, great, enjoy the burden. Personally, I would prefer to have a relationship with someone who is a grown-up and expects to contribute as well as to benefit.

Caligula · 31/05/2006 11:51

By the way, how old are you?

Because while you're with this loser, you're stopping yourself meeting someone better.

Caligula · 31/05/2006 11:59

Orient8, you don't have to date someone older to find responsibility. My xp was very similar to what you describe your current loser as (not into booze sex and cars exclusively, but just utterly useless) and he's now 40 and still unable to function as a worker and normal member of society. He can't earn his own living FGS, even though he is an outwardly normal healthy adult. Like you, I thought he'd grow up - but men like that don't. You're not expecting too much, in their mid-twenties, men are adults like we are, I don't think it's too much to expect them to function as such. Alexander the Great died in his early thirties. OK, I'm not suggesting every single man on earth should have achieved to that extent but there is a balance between being young and carefree and being a grown up. It sounds to me like you just want an adult, and if someone hasn't reached adulthood in their mid-twenties and aren't motivated to do so by the woman they're with wanting them to, chances are they never will.

Get out girl! (Sorry, I wish someone had said this to me!)

bluejelly · 31/05/2006 12:00

Well said Caligula. Actually that's the one of the main reasons I left my ex-- I thought every minute I was spending with him was just delaying the time when I could/would be happily in love with someone else...

Haven't found that 'someone else' yet but have found some new respect for myself I didn't know I had. Am also genuinely enjoying being single-- and not just saying that!

expatinscotland · 31/05/2006 12:16

Only in his mid-twenties?!

I married a man who people in the UK consider 'working class'. He never went to uni or college and left school at 16 w/a handful of standard grades.

BUT, he has supported himself ever since, has worked since he was 7 and got a paper route, never had debts (till recently, b/c of a tax credit cock up), and has made his own way in the world.

He lived at home till he was 19, but always paid rent and contributed to household expenses.

By his mid-20s, he was a dad of two.

Being a loser has nothing to do w/money, you're right about that.

But this bloke sounds like a free-loading sponge.

Dump him.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2006 12:25

My husband is 6.5 years younger than I.

Age has nothing to do w/it.

monkeytrousers · 31/05/2006 12:35

You might get on but you don't want the same things which makes you UNCOMPATIBLE for a long term relationship. I think you'll be saving yourself a lot of tears to get out sooner than later. And you never know, he might get a kick up the arse and ten you can get back together.

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