Standing in the kitchen at parties.....

[GiveItYourBestShot]

Long time lurker, first post...I'm hoping for a bit of a reality check on what's normal when you go out as a couple.

As briefly as poss: I'm in a LDR, about a year now. OH is outgoing and friendly, me not so much - I'd like to be but find it difficult.

We've just been to a big event in his home town. I was worried beforehand that he'd be so busy catching up with old friends that I'd be left to fend for myself and that's exactly what happened - he'd go off for a pee and not come back, just bump into someone and start a chat with them, leaving me standing holding his pint...

I'd hoped to cope better, do some socialising for myself and find people to chat with but I didn't succeed, I just felt abandoned and had a bit of a strop. Which I'm not proud of.

I'd really appreciate hearing how other people deal with similar situations. Obviously it would be ridiculous to expect him to stand next to me and hold my hand all evening - or to follow him to the lav! - but is there a middle way?

Another event is coming up in a few weeks and I'd like to have a happier time. I know that I'm oversensitive to feeling left out. So please tell me what you do at a do where your DP knows everyone and you know no-one?

Can DP not introduce you to some people you might be able to talk to while he's at the loo? If he gets caught by someone on the way back he could as 'have you met give it? Come and meet her' and then either bring the over or get you to come over.

"Giveityourbestshot* I completely understand how you feel. I'm quite introverted, so don't particularly enjoy meeting new people or being somewhere where I don't know anyone.

When someone does that really obvious thing of "Something, this is Sarah/Joe/Whoever, he also likes X, Y, Z." and walk off and leave you both to chat, I swear a little piece of me dies inside.

No advice really, other than go and get a drink or pretend to check your phone until your DP returns.

Thanks - I think that's what I'd like him to have done - it felt a bit more like he'd forgotten I was there!

Sorry- previous reply to Towi, not quite steering this properly!

I am similar to you op. I went to a do with dp recently where I didn't know a soul. He stuck by me, didn't leave me, and introduced me to people

We have only been together six months and he scored massive Brownie points for being so.. considerate

Your dp could have made it a little easier for you.

Yep sounds familiar, I love my mobile, I am an antisocial cow, I just pull it out and text/email/MN. I've never been good at parties and mixing and I really dread things where I am required to, I'm much better at one to one or small group socialising.

My DH doesn't forget I am there - he's just a terrible yap and especially after a few drinks starts talking and doesnt realise time has passed.

Sorry, that's not really very helpful is it.

Thanks, Rhonda - it is helpful, especially the though that it's not deliberate. Drink was definitely involved!

Patience - did you ask your DP to look after you? He sounds lovely.

thought not though...

?

Sorry, nothing helpful to add but love that song.

I too love that song! And it immediately popped into my head when I read the song title. Here is the Ikea version:

here

Sorry for not adding anything constructive

I didn't, he is just a generally lovely guy

I nearly wrote him off too because at 26 he is near enough ten years younger than me. However, he is more mature than all the thirty- plus year olds I have dated!

It doesn't sound like your dp did anything deliberately. He was just a little thoughtless?

Tell him in advance next time.

Hee hee! Can't be him, don't think he owns a tie

patience i did try to talk about it beforehand but I got the impression he just couldn't see why it would be a problem, that i'd be meeting people and having a great time. That makes him sound a bit heartless! But it is what I'd hoped I'd do. Wondering if I brought it on myself by worrying too much in advance? Age only matters if you're a cheese.

Maybe that's why my dp got it right, because he is not naturally gregarious. Yes with his own friends, but quite shy in company of those he isn't familiar with

If your dp is naturally outgoing he probably couldn't empathise.

At least you made the effort and went along.

I used to really enjoy that sort of thing but lost the knack. I'm hoping to find it again!

I know how you feel. I sometimes feel like this even if I do know people. My DH's always tells me just to ask people questions about themselves then let them talk at you. Seems easy enough but then I worry that I'm going to seem nosy!

I think in same situation I'd either go find him and join in his conversion or if I didn't want to find him accept that I needed to strike up a conversation with someone nearby. I would expect some introductions/handholding but not the whole time. I think it takes effort on both sides really.

I tell you what I do, I sort of 'fish' people. When the platters arrive I'd make a comment, something on the lines of: what are you having, it all looks so good, can't make up my mind. Start with the canapés and move onto how do you know the guests etc.
i also had a great great educator in my best friend. She is an exquisite hostess. She'll scan the room and find the introverts and gently draw them into groups, introducing the loner, or if she doesn't know them from Adam she makes an effort to find out more and then introduces them around. She's the type of person who listens to you and makes you feel like you're the only person in the room.
So perhaps make sure your DH introduces you properly to the hosts and from there on the hosts can introduce you further. Or just take the reins yourself. Little comments, just to show people that you would be interested in meeting them.
I also think you need to want to be there. I enjoy meeting new people and finding stuff out. I enjoy networking. My DH looks like he's scanning the room for an axe. He's getting better, after realising I am not at all fussed to do to parties on my own and he gets to babysit.

LOL at "scanning the room for an axe" - I reckon that's what I looked like! Thanks for great advice - and twattergy, I do agree that I need to step up, I 'm just a bit clueless about getting started.

A compliment is always a good start, 'ie I love your shoes, where did you get them?'. Also putting on the act of being really happy or bubbly helps put people at their ease. I'm not naturally that way, I am an introvert, but at events I act that way., do a lot of smiling..and actually sometimes I quite enjoy it! Try it out next time!