My best friend is heading for an affair and I don't know what to do (long sorry)

[stripeycups]

NC for this.

Quick background, my friend got married and had her first baby w.hen she was very young (think late teens). Her DH is much older than her (more than 15 years). She then had quite a few more DC and stayed a SAHM looking after them.

She had never mentioned anything about being unhappy and was fully involved in all the local playgroup/coffee morning things. Last year her youngest started school which is where all this started.

She joined the local gym that I go to and as I am a single parent started coming along on nights out etc. As the year has gone on she has got more and more involved with the gym and wants to go out nearly every weekend (I usually go out once a month). Thats fine, I get that she never really had a 'youth' and spent most of her teens/twenties looking after her DC.

But she has gotten involved with someone from the gym now....It started off just chatting and then moved onto texting each other 'just friends' etc. Its got to the point now where EVERY word out of her mouth is somehow about him or what he said or what he text. She has admitted to me that she fancies him but would never do anything because she is married. He is single and about her age (maybe a few years younger).

The amount of time she is spending out of the house is causing problems at home and her DH is concerned that she is up to something (he checked her phone). She admitted to me yesterday that she is really unhappy at home, feels bored and like her and her DH are just friends. She said that the last time they had sex she actually cringed the whole way through .

Her DH is a lovely man, but I think the age gap is causing a big problem here. He is settling down into his middle age and she is just discovering herself after spending all her teens/twenties looking after the DC. She refuses to even discuss leaving him because he would be devastated and the DC would be upset. And also because he hasn't done anything to warrent it so she would be hated by all the family etc.

All I can see happening is her heading for an affair with the gym man, Id already say she was having an emotional affair with him.

I can't think of any advice to give her. Its a horrible situation for all of them and the tension in their house is awful. She won't discuss counselling and her DH wouldn't go anyway.

I think she is hoping this is just a blip and she'll get back into things soon, but I think the cringing and the fact that she actually said "it would be so much easier if DH did something bad" speaks volumes.

That's terrible. If she's committed to her marriage then she should seek counselling to get things on track. Life is too short to be miserable though so it needs sorted one way or another but an affair is the most horrible, hurtful way of going about things. Hope she does the right thing & good luck with supporting her.

I hate to be blunt and I really don't mean to be rude, but it is none of your business.

She may refuse to discuss leaving him but she may not get a choice if she has an affair and he finds out.

She has already checked out of her marriage and is having an emotional affair with the gym buddy. Like many other cheaters she is looking for faults and creating stress in her marriage/home life to justify as there are 'problems'.

She is wanting her H to do something bad so that she can justify her actions and is not to blame.

Typical cheaters fare I am afraid.

If the Op is a friend, then likely she'll be dragged into the horrible aftermath what it all goes wrong so I feel it's unfair to say its none of her business.

I'd be honest with your friend & tell her how you feel about it. What she is doing is so unfair on everyone, especially her children.

The advice you give her is that you're worried she's trying to have her cake and eat, that it will end badly and that, if she's in a crap marriage she should end the marriage rather than become a cheat. But that's as far as you can go. Ultimately, she's a grown-up and she's more than capable of making her own decisions, even if they're not particularly good ones. You're not her keeper...

But I am involved. Most of the places and things she's started doing are with me and I get the feeling her DH and her DM are viewing me as the friend that's led her astray!

It couldn't be further from the truth. I divorced my DH because he had an affair and I'm finding it really difficult to listen to her heading down the same road.

I do think she is unhappy at home. There are no common interests between her and her DH. He doesn't feel comfortable coming out with us yet she regularly goes out and ends up sitting in a old man pub conversing with 50/60 year olds with him. He isn't interested in the gym or any of the other fitness things she's taken up. It's a very tricky situation because when I've spoken to her at length she insists its just "flirting" with the gym man and not anything serious.

Is she actually looking for your advice, or are you just an innocent bystander of the car crash waiting to happen?

Just because you suspect the DH and DM of blaming you for leading her astray, doesn't mean you are.

You could always start distancing yourself from her so that you are not giulty by association.

If she asks for advice, give it but warn her that you'll be honest with her.

If she doesn't, tell her that you don't want to hear anything about the OM and that you don't want to collude in this fantasy which could wreck her own life, her husband's and her children - and possibly the OM's too.

If she does actually give you permission to be honest and asks for advice, buy her that book that often gets recommended on here - Not Just Friends or somesuch. My BF's husband read it and was shocked when he read what a walking cliche he'd once been.

Oh dear, this actually sounds like it is already an emotional affair tbh.
Sounds like you wouldn't be much of a friend to either of them if you don't at least warn her of the horrible possible consequences of this.
Can you encourage her to at least talk to her DH about her feelings. Whichever way it goes regarding her marriage, at least they will have tried to communicate/improve things, or decide to go separate ways in an honest way . This would surely be far preferable than embarking on a deceitful, hideously hurtful path that will have terrible fallout for adults and kids alike. Appallingly selfish and cruel behaviour ( by one who has been on the receiving end, lives of four adults and five children turned upside down)

I think being a friend does involve sometimes pointing out things that are obvious to outsiders, but terribly hard to see when you are in fantasy bubbles. You do need to be kind and tactful, and recognise that you are not responsible for her choices.

But if she has outgrown her marriage and wants out, it is far, far better for absolutely everyone concerned to do this without the devastation of an affair.

As you say that you divorced your XH following an affair, is that a line you coukd take - "you know, the way you are with XYZ is just how XH started his affair" and see how she reacts.

She won't even discuss leaving him because her DH and DC would be devastated.

Right, and the effect of the affair would be....?

What exactly are you asking OP?

I really hope she doesn't see, or anyone she knows doesn't see, what you have posted about her life on an open fórum.

I would be furious.

Are you seriously asking what the effects of an affair would be? Really?

Oh Sorry, I think I misunderstood your last post Op

Sounds like she is headed for trouble. She obviously isn't attracted to her DH anymore and this new man will have turned her head. I'm not sure you can force attraction if if isn't there. The honest thing to do would be to leave but it doesn't sound as though she will do that. She's probably going to have an affair and just hope it is never found out. Not a nice situation for anyone involved. She might even be hoping her h discovers the affair and leaves her, taking the awful decision out of her hands and leaving her free to be with gym guy.

I don't think she would be furious. She does nothing but ask for advice and opinion on what she should do, either leave or continue on unhappily.

I feel it's a heavy burden on me to know what to say. I want to tell her to leave the gym. To stop texting. That problems in any marriage are magnified when you are getting your kicks elsewhere. But I don't want to advise her to stay in a marriage if the bones of it are making her unhappy. This same conversation has been going on for months now.

Maybe you should stop discussing this with her?

She's effectively burdening you with this information.
You have given your opinion and you are quite entitled to not be involved in her possible affair.

It feels like she's debating with herself more than anything but she may take a word from you as consent for going ahead with the affair. Would you want that responsibility?

What was she saying about her marriage and what impression did she give of it before she met this bloke?

Be there to listen, say you are NOT going to give advice because she knows your views from your actions, but be there to help pick up the pieces.

She never really spoke about it before. She says that she feels like she's been in a box for years and she's finally climbing out of it. I suppose she was so wrapped up in the DC that she didn't have anything for herself, now the youngest is at school she said she feels redundant.

I told her last night I couldn't listen to it anymore but that was more the constant rehashing of every conversation and text she gets from the gym guy.

You seem to want justification that your friend is in the wrong.

Weirdo on thread aside -

if you tell it to her straight you run the risk of alienating her. But can you put up with this a moment longer? She is being an absolute cow.

It sounds like you're talking about it an awful lot. Maybe it's time to be busy.