Dilemma :(

[XenaBordeaux]

I really need advice.... I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago, he was getting drunk at weekends and facebooking and on dirty sites messaging other woman, we were due to get married this year but had only been together a year but i thought we were soul mates :(
I broke up with him and havent really spoke much to him since, but we have been civil, I have been on a few dates with a lovely guy since and have been taking it slowly. My ex however has now told me he is off the booze and sorting himself out, has a job, flat etc and its all because he lost me and wants us to try again? I am so confused... I truly believe my ex was the 1 guy I truly truly will always love, but this new guy is nice but hes just not him :( I dont know what to do??? Do I try give this guy a chance or do I follow my heart ( which is shattered) and give my ex another try?? Thanx xxx

Once bitten, twice shy.

Leopards never change their spots.

Cliches, but in 90% of cases, totally accurate. Your ex should have sorted himself out to PREVENT losing you, not to try and win you back. And if he does, the likelihood is he will revert to previous form.

I have to say, though, that I'm not sure I'd be dating someone else less than 2 months after breaking up with someone I thought was "the one" and whom I was due to marry later this year. I think you should choose NEITHER and take some time out to be by yourself.

Give him a retry but set out the deal breakers beforehand and stick to them - if he gets drunk/flirts whatever it's over.

Hm, two months? That's bloody quick work to turn from a boozing cheater into a model citizen. He's either a cheater or a would-be cheater if he was on "dirty sites", so what's his take on that now? What is his plan to win back your trust? Has he even apologised for that behaviour, or is he just not mentioning it at all?

You don't have to go out with either of them, you know.

I think your first move should be to get rid of the other bloke and spend some time alone. Keep in touch with your ex by all means and give him a chance to prove himself. Just don't rush back into anything.

Why not ignore the loser, don't string along the guy you're not bothered about and have some time on your own and clear your head.

No to giving your ex another try. He was and is your ex for good reason.
He needs to be gone and gone for good from your life. Also its not fair on the person you are currently seeing (on the rebound?).

Perhaps you need to give it some thought as to why you are thinking about giving your ex another try in the first place given his awful behaviour towards you.

I think as well you are really not ready to date again for the time being, you need to be on your own for a while to think things over and what you really want out of and from a relationship. I would suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Take a step back from both, taking it easy with the new guy.
And see how you feel.

You share a history with ex, and new guy has not yet had time to grow on you.
I'd give him a chance, while ex would have to really prove himself. Not sure a year, even, would be enough.

Stop dating the new guy if you don't feel that strongly about him and take some time to get over the loss of what you thought you had with your ex.

I wouldn't give an ex like that a second chance - a man who messages other women when he's planning to marry his gf is absolutely not worth bothering with. Yeah maybe he regrets it and wants to 'win you back' to sooth his (presumably massive) ego, but how do you think he's going to be behaving one, two, ten years into the marriage when things have got 'boring'? He'll be messaging other women again.

Well done on getting rid of him in the first place and good luck finding someone who values you.

You only have to look at some threads on here to see that these kind of blokes very often do not change.
Caught looking at dirty sites etc... Forgiven. Caught looking at dirty sites... and so on, until they eventually split up.
You may think he's your soulmate but he obviously didn't think the same about you or he wouldn't have behaved the way he did.
He's a cheat and they don't change.
Sorry, I'd give him wide berth.
You need to go no contact as well or it will just mess with your head.

If your ex was behaving like this in a relationship of only a year's duration, he's much more likely to do it again and there's no chance he's changed that radically in only two months. It's more likely that he's tumbled you've got interests elsewhere, his jealousy has been piqued and he wants you back for the wrong reasons.

I'd suggest cutting contact with him completely. He's not your 'soul-mate' and the whole concept is a load of romantic piffle anyway.

WRT the new man, take it slowly and don't mess him around. Be honest with him that you're not sure you're ready for anything more than an exploratory relationship because you're still hurt about your ex's behaviour.

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'.

Threatened by a bit of competition he's straightened himself out but, should you let him back into your life, the complacency will set back in and he'll revert to type.

Thanks for the replys, I totally get the whole once a cheat always a cheat thing, I am pretty strong minded...normally but he is messing with my head. He is trying to get into the army at present and doesnt know I have been dating. He has apologised profusely for the things he did to hurt me but I know from experience sorry is just a word.
We are both in our 30's and I believed this was it for me, settle down,marry the whole shebang, I have told the guy Im seeing just now all about it and said I need to take things slow with him, he completely understands, so he says anyway. I am not stringing him along I like spending time with him and he is also not long out of a relationship so we both know its more company really for each other, we are not in a relationship with each other but are not seeing any one else. I suppose its what someone said... I have history with my ex, he made me the most comfortable I have ever been with a partner,I could totally be 100% myself with him,he made me happy every day (except weekends) was very loving and romantic and we just 'clicked'. i think this is what I am srtuggling with the most as I have never had that before.
The guy just now is very reserved, quiet and the complete opposite of my ex,but what if that is a good thing, if you know what I mean??
Maybe I should be on my own but tbh think thats what will make me more persuaded to take my ex back?? I dunno its so complicated and my head feels like its gonna explode :( :(

Why is it so complicated really?.

So on the weekends your ex was getting drunk, using FB and messaging women on other sites. Thank the stars you did not marry this idiot because such entitled men do not change.

You cannot love someone better and you also simply cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

I think you should be more angry with him than anything else for putting you through such pain and you did well to end it with him. He was never your soulmate; that whole concept is well dodgy in relationships to begin with. Bad boys are just that - bad.

Give the other guy a chance but do not string him along, its not fair on him.

He made you 'happy every day except weekends'? That is not someone making you happy, that is someone treating you badly.

I don't subscribe to the 'once a cheat, always a cheat' mantra.

But this bloke isn't only a cheat. He's got problems with alcohol and if he's looking elsewhere within a year and with his wedding coming up, quite likely problems with monogamy at this stage of his life.

You need to take off the rose-coloured goggles, stop falling prey to nostalgia and make a big list of all the real-life shit your ex put you through. If you struggle to do this, if you're suffering from selective memory, ask whichever friend or relative you turned to during the break up to help you write it all down. Cut all contact with him and get on with rebuilding the life that this 'soul-mate' almost destroyed.

I think you need to sort you out first. Stop dating anyone and get to know yourself. Get some counselling. Get a huge reality check on the search for "the one true love".

Why do you need a partner?
What can you do by yourself?
What about your family background? What were the relationships you grew up with in childhood like?

Then maybe you will be ready for an adult relationship. Sorry but from your OP I would have guessed you were in your teens/early 20s, you really do have to sort yourself out. Or you will just keep leaping fom frying pan into he fire.

So, lets say your ex gets into the army. Could he really be trusted while away for long periods with other men egging him on? He's already shown you he can't, so that would be unwise. Is it just me that thinks that 30's seems quite old to start an army career? Could this just be all talk in the name of trying to show he has a future plan at all?
Beware of falling for a man's potential as by 30's not much behaviour or work ethic is likely to change in the future, no matter what is said. Better to assume that you have met the finished article and base a future on where they are at now, not what they could be given xyz.

Totally agree with bestsonever. I am ex military and saw some appalling behaviour when abroad / out with the boys. To be fair though, not everyone misbehaved....but those that did were repeat offenders. Not many (any??) joined in their 30s though.

I also agree with whoever said leopards do not change their spots. And it is not as though he is 16....he is in his 30s!!!

Its nonsense to say leopards dont change their spots, people do change. But its only been two months. Whats the rush? Sounds like you have a nice calm relationship with the new fella. I would persevere with this or be single for a while. True love will wait.

But it sounds like you want to get back together with your ex and give him a second chance. If thats the case, thats fine as well, people often deserve second chances.

And people like the OP deserve to have a nice life that doesn't involve a man that promises marriage in one breath and is messaging women on 'dirty sites' the next. A bit of self-respect....

The new guy in scene definately isn't right for you do you should finish that.... None of us want a 'nice' guy - that is code for boring and safe. You need time on your own to re discover who you are and what you want out of life. Essentially it is better to be on your own than to Benin a relationship that is fraught with alcohol issues, dirty behaviour and the feeling of wanting to change a man. Those women who feel they may be able to change a man or accept that's man has changed in such a short space of time are kidding ourselves. I've been there; it only leads to heartbreak and disappointment. Trust me- live you'd life independently, enjoy yourself and the right person will come along and you'll look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking about. Never settle for second best or a lower standard of behaviour. Would you treat anyone like that?? Good luck - there's lovely men out there, keep faith.

josie "none of us want a nice guy - that is code for boring and safe"

Did you really mean that? What a strange opinion! Why would you think that and what is your evidence?

Don't even think about it!

I think if the only word you can come up with to describe the person you're in a relationship with is "nice", it suggests you don't have very strong feelings for them and that you find them a bit boring...Maybe that's what Josie means? But obviously, anyone you're in a relationship should be "safe" and "nice"...that's kind of a given.