He just does not listen!!

[PatButchersEarring]

..and it's driving me mental! It really is as though he just isn't interested in a word I say. From big things to trivial things. I'm told by other people that I am funny. The vast majority of the time he just doesn't see this as if I say something humorous, he's zoned out and generally not engaging so doesn't really 'hear' me.

It makes me feel as though I only half exist. Admittedly, we are under a lot of pressure as a family at the moment, but this isn't a new thing. It tends to go through stages of being better or worse though.

If he does 'listen', I often get one word answers or irrelevant comments back, which once again affirm to me that he hasn't really been engaging in what I'm trying to tell him. I'm at the point at the moment where I've pretty much stopped trying.

His Dad's worse. He will just monologue at people for hours without ever seeming to want input from the person he's talking at.

Any advice? I don't want to leave him. We have a daughter and he is very kind in many other ways (Practical/financial/there for me in a crisis etc).

BUT it really is on the verge of driving me crackers!!

When you say 'zone out' do you mean he just sits there blankly or is he engrossed in something else? Can you do anything to get his full attention? (Switch off the TV? Set fire to the newspaper? Slap him with a wet kipper?.... )

Does he speak to you about his stuff?

If I think someone is zoning me out I start to say outrageous things until I get some sort of a response. When I get a response I say 'Oh, so you're finally listening to me, are you?' with a raised eyebrow.

(Hint, don't go straight into pink pigs flying past the window, they tend to hear that!!)

Does he listen when other people are talking? Does he listen to your DD?

cogito bit of both. It's like he always makes sure he's engrossed in something else. For example- he'll come home from work and find jobs that 'need' to be done- emptying bins, watering garden etc. These will all be done in a slightly manic and huffy way. I'm a childminder, so work from home- the house is always in a pretty good state by the time he comes in without him having to do this.

Lweji Yes. He'll talk about his work etc and I will (usually) give him my full attention when he does. I certainly don't give one word answers, avoid eye contact etc.

needles No, by my standards I'm not convinced he really listens to anyone else either. Possibly with exception of DD. Unless it's about sport, and then he does seem to engage...

Have you talked to him about this?

A bloke writes:

This is a male thing. However, it is NOT a good male thing. DW shouts "wakey wakey!", shouts louder and tickles, and on one occasion did Very Much More.

That was fun. Startling, but fun. Anyway, I'm better now. One of the things Relate and SSRIs fixed.

YMMV & HTH.

Disgrace

I'm sorry, I don't understand your post. It sounds like you have had similar issues. Please could you elaborate?

Has he always been like this? Or have you detected a change?

For it sounds as if he's withdrawn a lot from family life and your marriage. Now, is he just modelling the poor example set by his father (requires jerking out of selfishness), or is his attention and listening effort being bestowed elsewhere?

meditrana no change, as such. It's always been this way (on and off).

If he's always been like this then you'll really struggle to get him to change. Which is a pity because I tend to think a big point of having a life partner in the first pace is companionship and conversation. I did wonder if he was one of those silent contented types happily pottering away, re-grouting the bath-tiles etc but this 'huffy' exaggerated busy-ness just sounds like straightforward avoiding you.

PatButchersEarring:

Yes, I was like this. It's a male avoidance when the relationship isn't going well. Sometimes it's because I was/he is being a twat.

Got it fixed.

Childish I know, but could you treat him the way he treats you?
So when he talks about his work etc. to you, just ignore him or give him one word answers.
Taste of his own medicine time, I think!

Disgrace but it's precisely this reason why the relationship isn't going well!

When things are good, he's happy to listen to me talk about (largely boring, admittedly) stuff such as everyday mundanities etc. But as soon as things aren't going smoothly, he retreats into his shell until I eventually explode!

What, if anything, can be done?

hellsbells yes, that's what I've pretty much been doing for the last few days. (Since a seemingly trivial episode of this, but done in front of his Dad- I felt belittled, humiliated and as if I just didn't exist). I gave him the treatment back for a couple of days, now we've had serious words about it (instigated by me).

Thing is, I felt as though by speaking to me/not speaking to me in the way he did was rude and disrespectful. He does not agree..so we're at stalemate really.

Would he consider couples counselling?
Maybe if you told him that way you were heading towards separation?

My partner does this. Winds me up.Rest assured he certainly is all ears when he wants to talk about something