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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Perspective Needed Please- Parents Visit

9 replies

petra27 · 18/06/2013 16:45

I could really do with someone outside the situation to help me with this one.

Looong story which I wont bore you with but essentially my parents care for DB's daughter (3) during the week. DB works, DSIL is not well with PND (she is around, but is not in sole charge of DN). This obviously restricts what they can do, restricts their time massively.

DP's have been promising to visit me for a few months. This was prompted by me telling them I have been quite hurt by lack of contact with them and the fact that they spend 5/6 days a week at DB's and have spent 1 weekend in the past year visiting me. (They live 4 hours away.)

I have said I would love to see them any weekend except for a few dates I gave them when I volunteer for something and have committed to those days.

They have emailed their intention to come- but the date they have earmarked is one of the dates I had said I can't make.

I rang them and asked if it would be possible to do it a week later so I wouldn't break my commitment. It turns out they will then be departing on a 2 week holiday with my DB and his family and wanted to fit me in first.

I have been told it is such a shame if I feel I can't prioritise their visit as they will be really upset not to see me, especially as they were trying hard after my moaning that they don't come.

How to handle? I'm sure it sounds trivial but due to various other things I won't add in I'm a bit fragile generally and this has reduced me to tears.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 18/06/2013 18:09

Don't break your commitment. You gave them dates to work with, they ignored them. You've been waiting a few months for them - a few more weeks won't hurt, and spares you the seething of sacrificing your previous engagement for people who havent prioritised you at all. Respond with 'what a pity - that weekend is one of the few I simply can't do. Lets book one for after you get back from your trip - I've got my diary here, when are you free?'.

CinnamonAddict · 18/06/2013 18:42

They decided to ignore your dates and put the guilt in your corner. Nice.

I have a similar set up here, my mother looks after my brothers child, for 4 days a week (overnight as well), and hasn't seen her other 6 gc for absolute ages. It's been over a year she's been at ours, even longer for dsis.
My sister and I can cope with that. It's her loss. Our children have no relationship with her.
Try to get over the hurt, it does hurt and you should tell them (to avoid their guilt-diverting tactics) and then move on.

Original poster
petra27 · 18/06/2013 20:44

Thanks for the feedback.

I've just tried to suggest that they come a different week afterwards, saying it doesn't matter that it is afterwards. It did not go well

OP posts:
Original poster
petra27 · 18/06/2013 20:46

they say they are determined to come before so that I won't feel left out when they all go on holiday

OP posts:
mustardtomango · 18/06/2013 21:20

That just sounds like new guilt tactic - and besides, you've been hurt all this time by the sounds of it, i don't thinking they gett the monopoly on that one.
You wanted to open up the dialogue, nothing hinge everything on one meeting. They're making it more precious than you - could be a good approach when you deal with them, know I for one am always falling in to the position they make for me. You don't have to xx

wendybird77 · 18/06/2013 21:24

Then let them pick a date that is one of the many you haven't already said you cannot do. Honestly they sound hard work, why can't they come after? Tell them you won't feel left out if they come after, that you will feel upset if they continue to insist on a date you've already told them you can't do. They are sabotaging the visit as you've dared to pull them up on their unfair treatment of you. Are you sure you want them around??

TimeofChange · 18/06/2013 21:30

Can you go and visit them?

Original poster
petra27 · 18/06/2013 21:41

I do go and visit them but my niece is there all day everyday. She is 3 so obviously that does change the dynamic a bit. Adult conversations, walks, pub lunches etc not really possible. I know I probably sound a bit precious but (sorry not trying to drip feed) I have also had 4 MC's, so spending time with them when every minute is about a young child can be quite tough for me. The idea of them coming to visit me was that I would have time with them on my own. Now I do think I'm sounding spoilt..

OP posts:
Notannabell · 19/06/2013 20:20

I am so sorry about MC's. I had 'just' one years ago and it still hurts.
Have you got anyone else to talk about it?
Do you think that your parents may not know how to talk about it or don't know if they should?

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