Unknown

[Autumn12]

I've posted about this before but in a nutshell my mothers husband has had an affair and is leaving her to be with his OW. He has been living with her and my younger sibling for the past few months while he found somewhere else to go.

Well he has finally sorted out a new place and will be moving out very soon. This prompted my mother to take an overdose. She didn't take enough to cause any harm and it looks like she was trying to get her husbands attention. She was furious that an ambulance was called.

My younger sibling told me what had happened but I haven't yet contacted my mother and am not sure whether I should. My mother was adamant that nobody should know and my sibling was unsure whether to tell me anyway as I'm heavily pregnant and could probably do without the stress. On one hand I do feel that I should call her, but am also worried that she will fly off the handle at my sibling. She can be volatile and my sibling has been through a lot already with this situation.

I'm really at a loss to know what to do for the best. I feel for my mother but she doesn't help herself and can be prone to play the victim card. She has had a few months to get used to the fact her husband is leaving but hasn't really made any efforts to prepare. He has been left to sort their bills etc, and I actually suspect she had hoped that he would never end up leaving. She has been saying she couldn't wait for him to go as I kept telling her it was weird for them all to be living in the same house under the circumstances. I had advised her to disengage but as far as I know she still sat and watched tv with him in the evenings etc and then would get upset and angry because he would be texting the OW.

Help!

Call her. Asking one sibling to keep a secret that big whilst at the same time talking to the other about details of the split was never going to end happily. Does she think you don't talk to each other? She's clearly under a lot of stress, very unhappy and she needs support (and possibly medical help/therapy) but you have to tell her that it is not fair to rely so heavily on your younger sibling and expect them to cope. How old is the sibling if they're still living at home? Teenage? Early twenties?

I am sorry you are having to go through this, especially as you are pregnant and have enough on your plate already.

Your mother's overdose was almost certainly a cry for help and attention, especially if, as tou say, she is prone to play the victim and likes her pity parties. Clearly it did not get her the attention she wanted from her husband, but maybe you and your sister can rally round her to give her the guidance and attention she needs. Rather than drop your sister in it, can you not tell a white lie and say that a neighbour saw and ambulance outside of the house and inquired with you if everything was ok?

It seems to me like your mother might also benefit from some counselling of sorts so she can let out all her concerns and anger and hurt. The break up of any marriage is very painful (i know, i am there right now) and it seems your mother is in a state of denial and simply not prepared to face the painful, raw reality of her future hopes and dreams being shattered.

Does she have many friends of her own age or hobbies you can encourage her to get her more involved with? Being more focused on "life goes on" rather than dwelling on the s death of their marriage will help her heal quicker.

Best of luck to her - and to you.

S :)

Thanks for the replies.

My sibling is a teenager. My mother has t been leaning on him but he was there when she took the OD. It was me she was leaning in but I've not heard much from her the past few weeks as I really think she has accepted the status quo. Her husband giving a firm date for moving out seems to be what set her off.

She hasn't contacted me at all about this and knowing her she will want to pretend it didn't happen. I live nowhere near her and she doesn't have any friends at all. She doesn't make an effort with people you see. The only way I could know is via my brother and my mothers husband. So if she is feeling that way inclined she will vent all her anger at my brother.

It's so very hard as on one hand I feel that its terrible to know that your mother made a suicide attempt and to not contact her, on the other I know how she can be and don't want to unleash her rage on the people who have to live in the same house. There is also an element of wanting to avoid the stress to me if I'm honest. I know that's very selfish of me.

Sorry just to add that I've been trying to advise her to disengage from her husband, not chat to him, separate her finances etc. She hasn't done so and has continued to rely on him to pay bills etc. She isn't one for taking responsibility and is very dependent.

Bumping in case anybody else has any advice.

A suicide attempt is the worst kind of emotional abuse. Who suffers as a result? Not the victim, that's for sure. Not the absent partner. No, it's the poor bugger who finds them.... i.e. your kid brother. That's leaning on someone in the worst way.

If she's the type that unleashes and rage and is likely to take it out on a young lad a) I can see why she's alone and b) I would be offering your DB a place to stay

My DB didn't find her, his father did but he was in the house so was obviously aware of what was happening. He has stayed with us several times over the past few months but can't live with us permanently due to having a baby on the way and the fact that we live too far away from his school. He has had exams so it's not been the best of times for him.

It would be him I'd be looking after, nevertheless. Whatever's going on with your DM she's a grown-up and she has to make her own decisions. Your DB is vulnerable and has no-one.

I'm in constant contact with him. He's very close to his dad too so not totally alone.

I'm more worried with how to approach my mother as I haven't yet which seems wrong.

Invite her to stay for a weekend. Talk
About lots of things not just the situation at home. How is she feeling about being a grandparent? is she planning to come and stay with you to help ( delete if not on your list of preferred options! )
Just encourage her to open up.
It sounds as though she is in denial, and that's a very hard stage. The future beyond tomorrow may terrify her. However, none of those things is an excuse for rage. Or taking things out on her son.
I would truly hope that, with the right environment and chat factor, she will tell you what has been going on .... she may actually be feeling protective of you because of the pregnancy, and that may be why she is keeping it quiet.

Bottom line, if she doesn't tell you then don't push her on it but give your DB as much support as you possibly can.
And don't ever accept rages as reasons to change your own behaviour. That is nothing more than 'control'.

She always has an excuse as to why she can't stay.

I'm sure that she is terrified of the future. She is a very dependent person who doesn't like to take any responsibility for herself. She doesn't make any effort with anyone either so she doesn't have much of a support network. I've been trying to encourage her to contact her other family more but she just won't. She has always been that way.

She never contacted me before all of this happened, I would have to contact her or I would never hear from her. As soon as she found out her husband was cheating and wanted to leave she started texting and calling me a lot. Once the shock had apparently worn off I went back to not hearing from her for a couple of weeks. Last week she started contacting me again about some bills her husband hadn't paid. I felt like she expected me to step in and do something about it. I just asked her why after so long she was still leaving him to sort these things out. I've not heard a peep from her since.

She is/was excited about being a grandmother. She never asks about the pregnancy now though. She really only cares about her own situation. I know I'm making her sound horrible, but she is quite a self centred person. I don't even think she realises that she is that way. If I tackled her she would have reasons why it's not her fault etc.

None of those add up to a good place for you to be in, at this stage in your own life when you are "entitled" to some support yourself.
After all you have said I think you just have to leave her to swim because the other option is to become her carer/organiser/facilitator. As long as she has an enabler for her dependency, she will default to dependent state.

I am not one to advise being self orientated, but in this case I think you have to put your own new little family first. Your brother does have a caring father supporting him. It might be worth suggesting to DB that he moves in with DF. Regardless, let his needs be cared for by his dad, let your mother learn to function independently ....... and sit back, relax and enjoy this stage of pregnancy, and the arrival of your new baby!!

Sometimes living a long way away is the very best place to be!!

No it's not been great for my stress levels. I can only imagine things will get worse once the husband actually moves out too.

I don't know if it's because it's late at night, but I'm feeling uncomfortable about your account of your mother. I can't help feeling there may be more to her than you're seeing.

eg she didn't want anyone to know she had tried an overdose, was 'furious' than an ambulance has called. That doesn't suggest someone who wants to be the centre of attention.

I also wonder if you are appreciating how truly terrified she may be about the future, as well as poleaxed with grief at the rejection she has to absorb. She may not have contacted you much in the past because of your view of her - which, incidentally, seems to have popped out when you showed your exasperation that she hadn't started sorting out paying the bills herself.

I'm sorry if that sounds unsupportive, but you do seem to view her very negatively. Have you considered that she might be terrified? I mean, really terrified, beside herself? This isn't your responsibility, particularly as you have your own family and pg to deal with. But your posts seem to lack a basic compassion. I'm sorry if I've got that wrong.

You say she is 'dependent' - that could be for a number of reasons. What comes across to me is someone who is terrified. it was cruel of her husband to sit with her and watch telly as though nothing had changed - no wonder she couldn't help hoping; she is, anyway, very probably battling to absorb what is happening right under her nose. It may not be easy to accept that some people really are 'weak', have little strength, to face what life can throw at them. There could be many reasons for this.

She has no-one in her life. There could be many reasons for this. She is facing an agonising crisis - weak or not, having one's husband leave for someone else is an agonising crisis.

Have a heart, she needs support now. You don't have to be the one to step in and carry all her weight, but perhaps allow her the dignity to be suffering terribly at the moment. It's not your, or anyone's, job to save her. Is it possible that she may have been trying to get that message through to you for some time?

Springytat you have got the situation entirely wrong. Have you read any of my previous posts on the situation?

No I have't - and I regret my late night ramblings. I could've said the same in a much more edited way, for a start. Apologies.

No worries, it's hard to get a rounded view from a few internet posts.

But believe me that I have been more than supportive to her (when she hasn't been for me in similar situations), as I know how hard it must be. I know her very well and admit that I am frustrated with her for various reasons which I have vented on here but I've not shown her that.