Is this financial abuse?

[WashingWashingWashing]

He's the higher earner by a lot. Pays all bills, she buys food & small expenses for DC. He owns the house they live in and has always paid the mortgage.

No shared money, he buys himself expensive items whenever, but is generous for her birthday/Xmas presents.

He pays for family holiday in UK, he has foreign holidays with mates, she can't afford them.

How much parenting/housework/ family admin does she do? is she unhappy with the situation?

Not having a joint account is not a sign of abuse, but not having access to money she needs is.

If they have a disparate standard of living, e.g. she buys cheap cosmetics because that's all she can afford, while he has his expensive holidays with mates, I'd say it's a problem.

If she cannot access money and has to have his 'approval' for everything, it's abuse.

If she wants foreign holidays but feels she can't afford them because she doesn't earn the money that would ring alarm bells for me. If she doesn't go abroad because she doesn't want to then fine.

Most of the parenting, all the housework and none of the main admin as he deals with insurances, bills etc. She deals with DC school admin, dentists etc

She is not happy

I don't get how a couple with a child don't share their money. Even if they have both a joint account as well as individual accounts, why would you not see all expenses as shared? It smacks of not wanting to commit.

However, I agree with Dahlen - if she has to get his "approval" for money, it's controlling.

What would happen if she said she wanted access to the money?

She has access to CB (used for DC expenses) and small amount of money left from her wages after she's bought food.

No access to any other money.

She's mentioned having access - nothing changed.

What happens if she asks for more money?
Has she discussed how undervalued she feels?

I'd propose disussing the situaltion. If he says No, you have enough money, and she can't afford basic things, its abuse. If he says "how much do you need me to transfer into your account every month" its just an unequal distribution of £.

ie you can't say one way or the other on the info you've given.

So what would happen if she said she wanted access to half of 'his' money that is left after all expenses are deducted from it?

On occasion she has said she can't afford stuff and he's purchased things. But should she have to ask?

So she moved in with him. How long have they been together?

Is the child both of theirs or from a previous relationship?

Wouldn't happen Dahlen. She has spoken to her MIL who said he'd 'been on his own too long to change'

They've been together years, DC are his, he provides very well for the DC.

It's not an equal relationship. He wants a 1950's woman.

And she's been putting up with it for years?

Why is it suddenly a problem?

It's always been a problem but she felt trapped into staying through lack of money.

If she is unhappy, then she should do something about it. I guess she has talked with him about her unhappiness? Would trying some sort of marriage guidance be the next step?

Personally, I think the ideal balance is where you each have an account in your sole names, plus a joint account. All bills comes out of the joint account and both put in an agreed amount. This may involve the higher earner paying considerably more and possibly transferring some money from his sole account into his partner's sole account to ensure that they have a similar level of disposable income. This ensures fairness but also respects any need for personal 'control' that either partner may have.

I agree with nextphase - if she asks for extra money because it isn't fair that her standard of living is lower than his, and he refuses, it is abuse. It is ok for him to not want the perceived stress of sharing all finances (e.g. worrying that you may both spend a largeish amount on the same day and take the account overdrawn unwittingly), but it is not ok for him to defend an unequal standard of living.

If the situation is exacerbated by inequality in other areas of the relationship, then she's in an abusive relationship.

If she wants to leave but feels trapped by lack of money, there are definitely things she can do to get round this problem.

Once she's managed to make the break, she will probably find she's better off than she ever thought possible, as top-up benefits will come into play and, above all else, she will have complete independence and control over the money.

To be honest to me that almost sounds like how a divorced couple share their money. My parents are divorced and had an agreement for my brother (who was under 18 at the time). DF earns far more than DM, and there was a "child account" in which my DF paid a set amount of money each month. My DM could use that to buy my brother clothes, school expenses etc.
But they were DIVORCED.

My DP and I have separate accounts, no joint account. Mainly because of credit rating reasons (he has a large loan he took out to study to be a barrister). As he's still in training I earn about double of what he earns. He pays for his loan and food. Also if we go out for dinner he usually pays. I pay all the bills, rent, etc. However we transfer money to each other's account when needed. If we go on holiday I usually pay. If he goes somewhere by himself he pays for that (e.g. a lads weekend away). I don't mind paying for our holiday at all frankly, nor for all the bills. If he earned twice as much as me I'd expect him to pay more. You're a couple and it's all about supporting each other surely. You're in the same team with the same goals. I find it disturbing he goes on all these holidays without her. She must feel so undervalued.

If I was her I would ask to at least be able to look into the accounts / spending / budget. She should also have a say in what he spends. If he's looking for a 1950's wife who does all the housework he should also accept that in the 1950's the man earned the money and usually the woman was in charge of all the accounts. So had an equal say in how this money was spent.

Sounds like an utter dickhead to me.

That's exactly how we do it Dahlen. So I agree it's a good, fair way :)

His father used to hand over his wages to his wife who dealt with all finances and gave him some back for pocket money - wonder if that's why he keeps things very separate.