How the hell did I get here?

[WotchOotErAPolis]

I'm in a horrible situation where we have no money except what we've borrowed against the house [twice] in our personal account; no money in our business account [which is failing but we have no way out that won't cost us dearly], which I can't get access to [although I'm a Director, so is my DH and he's the only one with access to the account and he constantly gives me excuses to avoid giving me access].

He's been out of work for >18 months but is now 2 months into a great job which is showing lots of promise for our future, but is earning 50% of his previous rate so our debts are mounting as we can't pay them back. Our utility suppliers are now chasing us to pay off our accrued debts.

The business we are running was supposed to be my little stay-at-home-Mum-hobby, but he got involved at the start and turned it into a limited company with 4 directors - now we have no business coming in, one director has resigned and we can't fold as she is threatening to sue us.

We hardly talk any more and if we do, we argue and he then thinks that's because I'm trying to come off anti-depressants [been on them for 9 years and I've lost sight of who I am] or because I must be bi-polar! He's stressed too as he is acutely aware of how bad things have become.

As a loyal Christian wife [I'm trying to be], how do I get us through this when I feel like falling apart?

I have an old friend coming over tomorrow to run a RaceForLife 10K with me and I can't face the small talk [yes, everything's fine, yes DH and I will be doing something for our 50th's, which happen at the end of this year - oh joy]. She's a successful PA and her DH is on the board of BSkyB. They've just had a fabulous themed 50th party with yadayadayada...

I'm no good at this lying thing and if someone asks how things are I'll tell them! I'm applying for jobs but am up against everyone else who's in the same situation as me, but is younger, has more experience, etc.

I just want to crawl into a corner and not speak to anyone. How do I get myself and DH out of this? How do I do the small talk and not feel awful lying all the time?

Can you see if the CAB can point you to some sort of debt counselling or offer advice?

And can you just open up about things to your friend? It's hard bottling things up and hiding the truth, can be a huge release to say things out loud and have it out in the open.

Use your friends. That's what friends are for. If you have to impress them and keep up appearances, they are not friends.

One of the biggest factors affecting people's ability to deal with stress is a friendship network. Those who have friends to confide in tend to fare much better. A problem shared and all that.

Then, as OddSock says, get down to the CAB. Your money problems aren't going to disappear, but can almost certainly be made more manageable.

Hope you feel better soon.

Business - go into the bank and ask to speak to the business manager. Ask him what paperwork you need to provide to have access to the account. Do you think your dh has been running up an overdraft?

The other option is to formally resign from the business. Contact companies house and ask them to tell you the link for the paperwork, send it to them and give him a copy. If you are company sec or director you can still resign. Notify hmrc you have done so as well, and supply the bank with a letter so they can update their records. If its a limited company, your house is safe anyway.

I suggest you contact business link or CAB for advice re the business. They are very good. And post on self employment/ legal threads here for good advice:)

Why is the director suing? Have they all been paying themselves a salary? If the business has no money and not trading, you can still close it- speak to companies house.

Your friend- if you can't discuss things with her, and are dreading it that much, then cancel citing ill health. If you feel you could share with her, and she is a real friend, let it out to her. She might be very supportive if you give her a chance.

Your dh and you. You really need to sit down and talk, as all these things won't go away. Will he do that?

Firstly, it is not how YOU get your DH out of this, it is how you get out of it together. There are lots of things you can do.

Step 1 - get the debts sorted, stop interest acculumating. Sort out priority debts. Priority debts are mortgage, utilities, tax and council tax, everyone else can go whistle (for now). I strongly advise you to contact the national debt line, they are a charity and also have a business debt line to advise re the business. Do NOT remortgage anymore (i speak from bitter experience)

The business debt line will be able to point you in the right direction with regards to the diretor that is causing problems, you might need a solicitor for this.

The utilities companies cannot play hard ball with you if you have children under 8 in the house. We got into real difficulties and we were forced into having pay as you go meters, we had to fight not to have to pay extra for these but they were the best things we have ever had - we dont have to pay extra for fuel like many people say, if we do, its pennies, and it means we dont have a horrible big bill every three months, its spreading the cost and it also is great for budgeting. Approach the companies and ask them to fit these, for gas and electric - they will take the debt via these at an areed amount per month.

Non-priority debts are just that, not a priority - you do not want to be robbng the priority debts to pay those off - write to them and make offers of a token payment, this makes them less likely to take further action to recover the debts that would cost you extra money.

I am speaking from bitter experience of being in debt caused by business and it can't not take a toll on your marriage but you can come through it, we have. I would be lying if i said we were the same as we were before but it is getting better. We have a debt management plan that pays off non priority debts at a managable amount and most of our priority debts are clear.

Is now the right time to be coming off the ADs?

I am reading all your posts crying while I do.

I've written to our accountant to resign, but that got veto'd by DH;

I can't get access to the account, as he needs to grant it as the only current signatory [spoke to the bank this morning];

ex-director is threatening to sue as she's an evil witch who has put nothing at all into the business financially and has effectively walked away scott-free, taking her part of the business elsewhere and selling it to a rival company. She will sue citing our mis-management and then sue us personally if the bank can't pay out;

we can't liquidate as guess what - it costs us money to pay the accountant to do it legally cos we're a ltd company! Also means none of us can be directors elsewhere, which will affect DH if he gives up this job to go self-employed in the next 10 years

the only asset we have is a flat which is about to go the market, the proceeds of which won't pay off the debts anyway - maybe 50% of it tops

It's all such a big mess.

Some good advice there from lavender re the business.

I think your DH is trying to hang on to something that is not going to happen, does he think it is going to turn around and go into profit? Might it? It is certainly not worth getting into debt over. Why if it is your business can you not get access to the accounts? Why does he have so much control here? He needs to wake up and smell the coffee or risk losing everything.

Ok, you don't need an accountant to do it legally. Call companies house. You just fill in paperwork and send. You don't need to pay an accountant to do that.

Your dh cannot stop you resigning. Just pass him the paperwork and notify companies house. That will protect at least one of you.

The ex director - Is she selling intellectual knowledge? Look on your house insurance. You might have free legal advice on it, I did on mine.
I don't understand why she is suing you? Can you say? How can she sue you if she didnt lose money by not putting any in?

Did she resign and is off as per companies house? What does her original hiring contract say? Did you protect yourselves? She can't sue you personally, its a limited company.

Please call your local business link. They are very helpful. And call companies house and say you want to close the business ( if you do) and what now.

If you resign, you can open another company under another trading name and do your business. Your dh will not be able to be a director or company sec, but he could be an employee or self employed working for you.

You say you're a Christian - can you talk to your pastor?

It all sounds like a hideous mess, agreed. However, there are lots of stories in the bible of people in a hideous mess. Time to get down and dirty with God imo. Have it out with him, stick close to him, spend time with him. He will encourage you. I am currently in what looks like an impossible and very painful situation. I'd be dead if I didn't have God with me all the way.

It's so hard to put this into words without it sounding cliched and weird. God is real, he's there for precisely the shit you're in. Read the bible, read the psalms - so comforting.

Get to CAB and get the debts on a manageable footing. You could apply to the EDF fund (you don't have to be a customer) to get your utilities' debts wiped. At least stop the interest accruing. There is a way through this, it's quite simple, actually.

Are you in a housegroup? YOu need people praying with you. I'm not a business bod but I'm slightly at your husband avoiding having you as a signatory. As a Christian, married to a Christian, I was a victim of hideous domestic abuse. Never hit btw. So being a Christian doesn't mean you're exempt from domestic abuse ie being controlled to within an inch of your life.

I'm with you on not being able to do small talk. I am up to here with my situation and I can't hack lala socialising. However, is she a good friend? You need to talk to people and get some fresh air and daylight into your situation. YOu need to open it out.

I think your biggest problem is your H. I think he has quite possibly committed crimes against you. You say it was your business, but he took it over, installed directors and shut you out of the business account? He has no right to do that. It certainly sounds like financial abuse as well as fraud, and I would advise seeing a lawyer as well as CAB for advice about your debts. If you belong to a specific variant of Christianity which condones domestic abuse (which is frankly sounding extremely likely here) there are other Christian groups/churches/ministers who will be able to help you retain your faith while helping you deal with your abusive, dishonest H.

Couldn't help noticing ADs for 9 years, too. 'Lost sight of who I am' - ADs don't necessarily do that btw - on the contrary. Abusive, controlling relationships do cut you off from who you are, though.

You say the "evil witch" is threatening to sue. Threatening is to frighten you, you say you have no money, so realistically what will she get if she does?
From my experience to make an application through the civil courts (commercial/business) it costs a fair amount as you need to get representation ('cos its not like the small claims Court! )So unless she is a lawyer specialising in companies and is sure she will win it is unlikely when push comes to shove she will go ahead with her threat if she has to employ someone to act on her behalf (at great expense).

springytat: GP did suggest that coming off the ADs might help me to confront DH by helping me to express my feelings? It's certainly doing that right now!

oldwomaninashoe: you're right, I hope! If we have no money what can she do?

lavenderhoney: she didn't put any money into the business. She has taken her artwork with her when she resigned; she wouldn't sign anything over to us legally, so she could walk away, which is what she's done; refused to sign a contract; etc. She can sue us personally I think, as our business overdraft is secured personally [?] so all the shareholders [of which she is still one of 4] are liable for this

If you come off ADs, please do it gradually. Coming off too quickly can create a very nasty kickback - nothing to do with you, all to do with the drugs (powerful, psychotropic drugs!). I don't mean to make you fearful, only to make sure you don't do it suddenly, or too quickly. I am currently at the end of coming off ADs and I'm taking it in liquid form now, dropping a miniscule amount every 2 weeks. I have done this over 6 months but I was not on a particularly high dose. years ago I was on a high dose (PND) and took nearly 18 months to grade down slowly. I may be being overly cautious, but I'd rather be cautious tbf.

Sermon over!

Interesting that your GP has noted you may need to 'confront' your husband. Hmmmm

But she has suffered no actual loss, has she? She has no actual amount that she can sue for. She certainly can't sue for loss of potential profit!!! She's trying to blow smoke up your bum, seriously! Get onto Companies House and remove yourself as Director. Start protecting yourself NOW. If your DH is faffing about, that is his problem.

There are ways around the problems but I'm sure you're overwhelmed.

Firstly don't put anymore pressure on yourself for your friends visit.You need to be around friends who you can lean.It doesn't feel as if you can with this friend so consider cancelling the weekend and one problem goes away.

I am going through a very difficult stage with my husband and we have a social event coming up which I had said we would attend.I would like to go but know it would put more pressure on me so I've told the hostess we were not coming.The relief has been wonderful and I can now clear my mind to focus on the other important issues.

Yes, I agree with not taking on social events if you're not up to it. Don't push yourself more than you have to, especially if it's going to be 1:1 with this woman. A bit intense if you're not capable of chit-chatting at the mo. If you can't trust her then don't tell her the full truth and nothing but the truth. Say you've a bad head (which is true up to a point..)

I don't think she can just take the artwork as its done for the company and during your time - I really think you should get advice. Artwork could be considered an asset if its a brand design and represents the company or product in any way. It would appear on the balance sheet as such ( like coca cola logo has a value) so- its not hers to take.

She can't sue you for anything. Thats why a company is limited- she cant toouch your personal wealth. Only if she put money in and you lost it- and she would have to prove mis management which would be almost impossible and a waste of her time and money. And if the company is skint she can't have anything anyway.

By the way, get her OFF the company. Call an extraordinary meeting of the remaining directors, document and agree it and get her OFF. Notify companies house on line and send her a letter to that effect. Please please call companies house with a list of questions and ask them. Its all online at companies house too, and you should have your passwords.

During the above meeting decide what you are going to do with the company. Either stop trading and pay off the loan gradually then close it down or whatever YOU want to do. Does it make money? Can you pay the loan?

I am more amazed your dh has taken out a business loan of which you do not have access and secured it with your personal stuff. Did you sign anything? And what has he done with the money?

Do you want to do the run? i think you have enough tbh..

Quick-ish update.

Life is still very up and down emotionally.

I took the accounts ie all the paperwork I could find, in a big box up to the accountant who has been DHs accountant for a long time. He told me a few home truths about DHs attitude to business so I know I've done the right thing by handing it over - even though it will cost us more to sort it all out we have already incurred late payment fines to Companies House as we're now 2 months late with our submissions. We are also now over our overdraft and late paying several creditors.

DH wants to try to move our products into three or more new outlets, but we have no money for samples and are doing so little business, our printer is often late delivering which compromises our image too, as we just don't put enough business his way for us to be his priority.

He gave me a tirade of expletives when I told him I'd taken the accounts in - accusing me of being unprofessional and not trusting him [well actually, I don't].

I am so scared of the future and it's all getting very much on top of me.

There is no joy in life and no way out. I am now nearly 50, deskilled and with nothing to offer. I can't get a job because I'm over-qualified / under-qualified / don't have recent experience / am too old / too expensive [I haven't even got that far yet]. My kids don't listen to anything I say and are currently spending all their day on the computers despite my taking them off them / locking them away / trying to find something that costs nothing for them to do. They don't eat what I cook, but will eat what their friends' Mum cooks. They don't go out and meet their friends. I even went round to my best mate's tonight and couldn't stay as I can't stand listening to her latest success [exceptional marks in her Psychiatric Nursing degree exam]; or that her lovely talented daughters are out at parties or going off on the train with their mates to the beach for the day.

Yes, I am very despondent and am really struggling to find a point to my life. Definitely a mega-mid-life-crisis. I'm trying to learn guitar but am not very good, not helped by being told "you can't practice now because..."; no-one respects anything I say or listens to my opinions. My kidsare rude and anti-social; my DH won't let me do anything without running it past him first as he tells me I'm no good.

WTF am I doing here at all?

I don't think it's a mid-life crisis to want to be treated with some respect and decency by your own family in your own home. I'd say that was a given. Your husband may be stressed but he sounds horribly controlling & nasty as well... no excuse for 'tirades of expletives' kind of behaviour. No excuse for restricting your movements or being told you're no good all the time. None whatsoever.

I think you do need to make a life for yourself as a kind of insurance if nothing else. Working in a family business must get so suffocating if you don't have any interests outside the home. Your kids will leave home one day and won't need you. It's vital you have a good social circle if you're planning on staying married to Mr Couldn't Run A Whelk Stall and even more vital if you kick him to the kerb...., which I for one think would lift the despondency and you'd be off the ADs inside a month.

Why not find a guitar group outside the home where you can learn, practise and rehearse with completely new people who don't dismiss your efforts? Maybe consider volunteering or offer your services as an intern to local companies to get your skills back up to speed. Make the rest of the family fend for themselves for a while.... sounds like they're all rather spoilt, take you for granted and could do with a crash course in pulling their weight. Book yourself a weekend away somewhere even. Take some books and hire a cottage.... indulge in some serious thinking time.

Have you contact capuk.org? Useful Christian debt counselling charity.

Please find some friends in whom you can confide. I know it's tough to start talking but really, if they can't give you emotional support they aren't really friends.

Good luck