Need some help and rep respective with difficult MIL

[Larkrising]

I know this is essentially a MIL thread, but I'm here to ask for some advice and possibly perspective rather than just wanting to moan.

Background: been with DH for 8years, married for nearly 4, we have a DD who is 2.6. Moved overseas a few months ago. I used to get on fine with PIL. They are fine, DH's family is quite different from mine - we are all very talkative and fairly affectionate. PILs are quiet, not talkative and rather difficult at times.

After having DD, it changed a lot. Actually it changed when we got married. MIL appeared to be happy but said and did some rather hurtful things. She tried to organize her daughter's engagement party the night before the wedding for example! But after DD it was awful.

She tried to come in and take over, take DD away from me, tell me to 'go for a walk' three days after I'd given birth and had a third degree tear and was establishing bf! Very much acted like she should be the most important person in DD's life and very dismissive of my mum. My Dad died a year ago and she has made comments to DD about how they are the only 'proper' grandparents she has now. This was not in front of me but I heard it all the same. Another time Dd tried to come and find me where i was in the kitchen and she physically stopped her and said 'mummy doesn't want you, stay with me'. I could go into a lot more details about incidents but this is too long already!

We only see them about 4/5 times a year because of distance and hopefully now this will be less now we are further away. However that means the visits will be longer.

They are booked in to come in the next month for a week (I refused to have them longer) and I am terrified. They are hard work. MIL undermines me, she ignores me, she won't talk about me. Everything she says to Dd is 'did daddy buy you that? Is that for daddy? Did you make that with daddy?' Etc. it's like I don't exist. I think this is what she wants.

Last time we saw them I was telling DD that she couldn't do something (it wasn't a big deal, just a normal, don't put your finger in the plug socket type thing!) and she undermined me and said DD could do it and i was mean and I stood up to her said 'Please don't contradict me when I'm asking my daughter not to do something's dangerous. I wasn't rude just firm. The result was she went into the kitchen and cried saying to my husband how mean I was and how I was stopping her see Dd. I have never done this! I bakes cakes for when they come, run around after them and wait on them hand and foot but she hates me. Of course DH took her side and although he agrees she can be difficult doesn't see there is an issue.

So....to the point. I'm terrified. I not sure I can cope with a week of her undermining me, controlling everything, trying to be with Dd without me etc. please don't say to let her get on with it because this is what she wants. She wants me to leave, to not be there and I refuse to do it.

Any ideas on coping strategies or how to stand firm?

yes indeed i do.

You must have a conversation with your DH and tell him you expect him to back you up, or else, she will not be welcome in your house.

You must explain that you and dd are his nuclear family, and as your husband you expect his support. that this is non negotiable or he can cancel the visit.

some context. my DH only once ever pulled his mother for calling me a name, he said " mum, that's my wife your talking about" and that was it - she knew her place.

it is pack mentality stuff, alpha female. She can't lord it in your house, and you should expect your husbands support

Good advice Custardo.

What is dh's take on this? Has he acknowledged this happens?

Custardo is right, it's pack stuff and if you are as 'terrified' as you think you'll be, she will smell that.

You must remember it is YOUR house, baby, husband.

She is a guest, and is obliged to respect that.

If she chooses not to, you are we'll within your rights, without aggression or apology, to remind her.

You've stood up to her once; well done! The sky did not fall and there was a bit of silly crocodile tears.

Pity her because she cannot behave like an adult.

You sound lovely! It's only for a week and if it gets too much use them to babysit and go for a coffee with a book.

Hope it goes ok.

*well, obviously!

Tell her and your DH that if she continues to treat you so badly, for the duration of her stay, you and your dd will pack up and go to stay with family/friends/local travel lodge etc (some around here are advertising £19 a night - go and talk to them to find out how much they would charge you to stay for a few days, might be the best £100 you ever spent!) .

She is coming here to see dh and your dd - so use them to control her. And whilst it would be difficult to control your dh to control her, you can remove your dd and there would be nothing she could do.

I would also speak to your dd and explain how granny is getting old and past it and a bit bonkers, and because she is a bit fixated on daddy being the most wonderful thing since sliced bread, she is determined to pretend that mummy doesn't exist or do anything. Have a little phrase that you can both use to show that you both know what she's doing - maybe that 'granny's gone daddy doolally again'- it will give you both something to hold onto and show that you know MIL is being rotten to/about you. And you will get some satisfaction from watching your MIL when her beloved gc calls her bonkers and doolally [evil but contented smirk]

Wow thank you for your messages already!

Also apologies for weird auto correct in the heading - it should be 'perspective'.

DH and I have talked at length about it. He acknowledges she can be difficult but he just says I'm over sensitive and she doesn't mean it. He just can't (or won't) see that she is quite markedly weird with me and doesn't acknowledge my presence. He always says that she does love and care about me but has no evidence to back it up!

He always promises that he will be on my side and stand up to her etc, but when it comes to it he seems unable to deal with her behaviour. She uses emotional blackmail like I have never seen it before. Crying is a recent development and she has done it a few times. She has also made suggestions of being ill, or that FIL might be ill if things are not going her way so DH gets upset, But nothing else ever comes of them

I should say that FiL is actually very nice and although he does as he is told, I get on with him quite well.

I had two bereavements last year close together and so we went to see my family twice in three months for the funerals. She complained to him that we spent more time with my mum than with them. My DH just said that he could see it was hard for her because she missed us so much. I said, maybe she would like your dad to die then so we'd come back for his funeral! It took this for him to see that she was being a bit unreasonable.

I will talk to him again and make sure he understands what being on my side means and how he could help. The standing up to her and idea of pack mentality thing is a very good point. Your are right - this is my house and family and I am important. She gets to me so much that I feel like I should apologise for existing.

My MIL does the complaining about us spending more time with my parents too. In quite a nasty way too, although she will happily accept their hospitality and lifts home.

She lives abroad, they are 3 miles away so go figure!

Anyway, your MIL 's behaviour is outside your control, but there are two things you can do.

1. try not to react - I would guess she wants you to be scared, so even if you are put on a front.

1. talk to DH - he is a big part of the problem. If he stood up to her and made it clear her behaviour was unacceptable then she might think twice.

All said by someone whose MIL has surpassed herself with terrible behaviour recently. However, DH and I are in complete agreement about it so it's manageable because if she can't be civil we don't see her.

Try toxic in laws by Susan Forward for excellent coping strategies and responses to this wearying nonsense.

You can stand firm, together!

Who invited these two toxic people in your ILs?.

You have fortunately come from a family where this sort of familial toxic dysfunction is thankfully unknown. You need to realise though that all bets are off when it comes to both his parents, its their way or not way as far as they are concerned. Being nice and pleasant to such people or trying to does not work, infact these people do not apologise for their actions nor take any responsibility for their actions. You cannot use the "normal" rules regarding familial relations here. People who are emotionally balanced do not behave like this, it is quite possible that his mother has some form of untreated personality disorder. You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different.

I would seriously consider cutting them off, you do not have to put up with such shenanigans within your home and you are certainly within your rights to ask them to leave if she starts becoming nasty with her comments.

I would further state if they are too toxic or difficult for you and DH to deal with (and he certainly cannot stand up to his mother at all currently) then they are too difficult to be around your defenceless and vulnerable child. She's already started on your child by giving her mixed messages. Some parents really should not be allowed any access to their grandchildren.

Your DH has FOG in spades when it comes to his mother; FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation, guilt. Your problem is with your DH as much as his mother; unfortunately (understatement) he has had a lifetime of such conditioning and is unable and unwilling to stand up to her. Ideally both you and he can present a united front with regards to his mother. If he can't or won't do it then you will have to. You have to enforce and maintain boundaries; infact I would raise your own boundaries with this woman and her bystander of a H a lot higher than they already are.

Her H has and is playing a role in this overall dysfunction; as a bystander to all this he is acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is also at fault here and I would not thus let him off the hook. He has failed here to protect you and his son from his wife's excesses of behaviour.

Your DH would rather upset you than she, he is truly terrified of her. This is no excuse for him, it is a possible explanation for his behaviour and comments re his mother.

Do read the book that was recommended by imademarion. It will help you and your DH.

Also he is still seeking her approval even as an adult, approval btw that she will never give freely.

BTW does your H have siblings?. If so, does his brother or sister have any sort of relationship with their parents now?.

I have a very, very similar issue with my mil and tbh it's becoming a real problem with my Dh and I. She's always said odd/hurtful/clumsy things and I just brushed it off as her problem until I had dd and she came to visit (we're also overseas). She was so critical, demanding, negative and generally difficult at a time when I was vulnerable that I just can't seem to get over it. Dh agrees she was like that but thinks it was just one of those things and because she has given us money I should move on.

Sorry, no advice from me, just companionship!!

I have some simple pragmatic advice for you, given that they are coming and there doesn't seem much you can do about it. Make sure your husband takes time off work while they are with you. Then plan the week. Plan places to go, plan excursions when your husband has his parents to himself (lucky him) for a couple of mornings/afternoons which will give you time away from them - spin it so you sound magnanimous "DH misses you so much, I thought he would be lovely for you to have some time alone together". Arrange for friends to visit as she is likely to be less hostile when there are other guests around, explained by "My friends are longing to meet you". Possibly have an engagement/meeting/appointment that you cant get out of which will give you a few hours away from home. Not sure where you are, but is it possible to book theatre trips, concert/diner out? A full diary is your friend. Good luck, and if you can let any horrid comments float over your head.

I bakes cakes for when they come, run around after them and wait on them hand and foot but she hates me.

Please don't do this this time. It's not as though your efforts have been rewarded in the past by pleasant behaviour. Show her who's in charge in your house. She can make her own cups of tea.

also remember this. his interpretation of her behaiour is just that and it does not supercede your interpretation of her behaviour. yours is not less than, just becuase it is yours. Yours is not less than becuase you are female, yours is not less than full stop.

i often have this conversation with dh when we differ about attitudes in that he can say ' that wasn't how i intended' and i say ' that is how i FELT, that is how I perceived it'

no one can fuck with how 'you feel' becuase you feel it - it is subjective.