How do you get your self-respect after feeling sexually used?

[WinterReserves]

I am a pretty regular poster here, though I've never started a thread in Relationships, and have name-changed for this. However, I can't seem to quite move on from this particular issue.

I sort of feel embarrassed even posting this. But anyway, I had a short relationship with someone I met through internet dating. But I felt badly used sexually once it was over, something that's never happened to me before.

He ended it, by the way, after a few months. I look back and actually think what a sexual creep he was. And what a romantically deluded fool I was to think it had potential! Also, you would think I was old enough to know better, believe me I am no spring chicken.

What I am particularly disappointed about is that I went along with his specific sexual preferences, though it wasn't really my cup-of-tea. However, I assumed he was a mature, responsible man, and he also seemed very keen, so I think I found it all rather confusing.

I didn't see clearly through to what I now believe to be something of his underlying motive to sexually demean me in some way, even if some of it was unconscious on his part (I think some of it was conscious by the way, as he was not an unintelligent man).

Feeling both physically used and demeaned even violated how can I try and get my self-respect back .

Don't be so hard on yourself. You entered into this with honesty, he should have been straight with you if it was just sex. Yes he was a sleaze ball but you aren't a mind reader. Try not to let it get you down, treat yourself, go out with mates. I'm not too keen on Internet dating it allows badly behaved people to act anonymously. Find a good man by increasing your circle of girlfriends. Girls love to set people up and the men come with a reference xxx

I think you can still hold up your head.

You behaved with integrity and generosity; he was the sleazy creep, not you.

I hope the accommodations you made weren't too difficult for you and you feel able to chalk it up to experience.

Well done for giving it a go, and only you can decide your levels of pride and self esteem.

Hope you find someone who deserves a lovely person like you.

Thank you very much for your responses. Imademarion, very kind x

Blimey..... what on earth did he coerce you to do?

WR, you don't have to share on here what he and you did.

You can hold your head high. You invested too much in someone that wasn't worth it. We've all done it sometime. Chalk it up to experience and learn from it for next time.

I think it's amazing that you are so self aware about your feelings and are able to actively address them. That in itself is pretty cool and better than many of us (me!) often manage.

If he had even a shred of that self awareness he would be feeling like a sleazeball. He won't of course but he should. leave the bad feelings to him, where they belong, it's not on you. These things happen - move on to better things (in all respects).

I hope you are ok, OP.

I have had a similar experience to you, in the past.

And even though I did a couple of things I did not feel that comfortable with, I thought that the fact that there was a mutual respect (?) and liking, that it perhaps was not that bad.

I look back now and know that he used me as some kind of sexual toy. But I also look back and realise that I LET him use me as some sort of sexual toy. If I am honest, I suppose I did those things on the unspoken condition that we would have some kind of relationship afterwards. He didn't want that.

I was a lot younger then and tried to resolve that I would not be co-erced into stuff I didn't feel comfortable with. I must admit it has happened again but I put it down to the '100 things I do before I die'.

I think someone mentioned earlier about self-esteem and self-pride. I guess it all ties in somehow.

x

Yes, there was a tough lesson there for me for sure. Maybe I've got it now.

Thanks to you all.

x

I know the feeling. In fact, I think nearly everyone has been through this in some way. You go along with it in the way that you go along with things when you have a close friend who really wants to do something, so you do it with them, even though it's not your cup of tea. And you felt you had a connection with this man.

You have no reason to have lost any self respect or self esteem.

Correct - you have no reason for any loss of self esteem.

But purely because you chose to do what ever it was that was so shockingly bad. Well, it can't have been THAT shockingly bad at the time, otherwise you wouldn't have accepted it, even although it ''wasn't really your cup of tea.'' You can't change your mind about it now, just don't do it again in the future.

We all make mistakes, so toughen up and move on. It's life.

Everyone's been there once.

The thing I took from a similar situation was that I'd never go along with something (sex wise) that I wasn't really into/that was just their kink and not mine (though I'm vanilla really and have no kinks)

Also, don't beat yourself up about it, just learn from it. It's easy to wonder why you went their with the benefit of hindsight but you didn't have that at the time!

I also find that holding off on the sex for as long as possible (easier said than done) helps weed out the gits and creeps!

Hope you feel better soon

Hey I understand you very well and I'm so glad u were smart enough not to fall pregnant. Men can be very cruel and heartless I have always been saying men dnt do anything unless and besides it benefits them they are very selfish. They get what they want and leave you feeling worthless

But you are not worthless I'm glad you have learnt how decieving they can be. They lie and make us feel like queens only to have sex with us. They are very decietful and I hope more and more women learn that their loving act is never always jus innocent. I will not judge u for falling for him you thought he loved you, you thought maybe this time it could work. Don't blame yourself a lot uf us fall for these jerks unfortunately some are left pregnant and alone and some are left sick.

You will be ok with time and you will be able to protect yourself next tym rather he leaves because you are tough to give in than for him to leave because he has had his way. its jus so pathetic. He will leave anyway so dnt let him get it easy let him sweat a bit because they break our hearts and ruin our lives. Be strong. Hugs

Goodness me, khotney,, I think you are mixing in the wrong circles

Not every bloke is a sex crazed jerk that will dump a woman when he gets it

What an awful little world you inhabit

Op, hang on for the good blokes, they do exist

Thanks everyone. I think Khotney also meant her response supportively/kindly, and I appreciate that too.

As it happens, not having sex early on, I do think is important. But I think what is more important I see now is to really get to know someone first. Why their last relationship(s) ended? What are their views and habits (if any) re. porn? Not as a questionnaire checklist or anything; a man will always tell you these things very soon if you are listening!

Of course I wish I had realised all this before, naturellement - then I would not have wasted my time on someone who didn't appreciate me and was a something of a sex creep into the bargain.

Hope you are ok, OP. Participating in sexual acts you are not comfortable with, either at the time or afterwards, can be a deeply upsetting and disturbing experience. I'm not entirely sure from your posts whether there was some form of coerscion (sp?) involved, perhaps at an emotional level? But either way, it is very tough. Give yourself time and space to recover. If you would like some form of talking support, rape crisis and similar should be supportive, whether or not the acts were consensual in the strict, legal sense of the word.
Khotney, you also sound like you are very hurt by past experiences - do hope you are ok. Again, if you feel you have been hurt or exploited sexually, please know that there are people out there who would like to listen to you and support you.

AnyFucker did I say everyone is? I merely stated the jerks who use women read carefully ok, I was attacking women users thts wat this is abt isn't it. Didn't mean to piss you off

WinterReserves advice was meant for u if u hv no complaint I'm happy be strong

neontetra yes I have and I aint trusting easily now thnks nway will look for a place to blow off

you didn't piss me off, khot, but I don't think your "advice" was useful

like neon said, if you need support MN is the place, but not on this thread x