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Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me, moved out we continued a relationship now he says he doesn't want to go on holiday either

87 replies

Auntienokids · 17/06/2013 22:31

I met my DP 9 yrs ago, we had an affair and he left his wife and went back shortly after, we didn't speak for 2 yrs, he got a job away from home and made contact after some soul searching I went to see him and we became a couple, he moved near me in his own house 4 yrs ago. When his tenancy was up we decided to move in together and he lived with me. He had asked me to marry him. After a year he moved out, he said he didn't want to marry me and didn't think we would go the distance! I was sad but also partly relieved having lived alone for 12 yrs being with someone full time who worked from home was stifle-ing. This wasn't a deal breaker and we decided to carry on seeing each other at weekends which was more suited to me and my lifestyle.I thought we could, as a mature couple I'm 48 DP 56 have a nice life as a couple together living apart. When he moved out I decided to go on holidays with friends as when he lived with me with his work schedule and lack of money because his wife is still in their home having all bills and mortgage being paid! he didn't have funds. Now trying to get him to go on a holiday together he has said he doesn't want to go on holiday with me! The thing is we have a great time when it's the 2 of us and we have a great sex life and same humour etc. My sister thinks he is "tight" with money and a control freak and that I pander to him and he sucks me in. Do I stay with him and redefine our relationship or move on, I love him and I know he loves me but I'm not sure if this is enough. Writing this out I'm uncomfortable with how this makes me look, I'm a professional manager but reading back I come across as a put upon woman! assistance appreciated

OP posts:
Finola1step · 18/06/2013 23:35

Sorry, can't get past the affair and the fact that you think that his ex wife should give up her home. Just to make things that bit more comfortable financially for him (and therefore you).

You reap what you sow.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2013 23:58

Before he met you he was in a marriage, she didnt "steal" 50k from him. It was an asset of the marriage and therefore as much hers as it was his. Where did this 50k come from? What was it spent on?

duchesse · 19/06/2013 00:15

D'you know what? As a child of a pair who thought their beautiful love transcended absolutely everything else in the world, I couldn't two flying hoots about how shitty you feel.

If you want to see what 33 years of deceit, madness and lack clarity looks like from the other side, please feel free visit my current thread.

duchesse · 19/06/2013 00:17

Sorry, here's the proofread version:
D'you know what? As a child of a father and his mistress who thought their beautiful love transcended absolutely everything else in the world, I couldn't two flying hoots about how shitty you feel.

If you want to see what 33 years of deceit, madness and lack of clarity looks like from the other side, please feel free to visit my current thread.

Original poster
Auntienokids · 19/06/2013 00:18

Finola, you make an interesting point. I don't need his money nor want it. I think that I'm making excuses for him because I know he has the cash resources to have a holiday, lots of holidays in fact all over the world! I also have the resources to pay for him, but I guess the sad truth is that he chooses not to spend his cash on a holiday with me. He's using the financial situation with (ex) wife as an excuse which I'm becoming more aware of and saddened by. Bogey, she did steal, cloning his details and taking it from his account whatever you believe is her claim to his assets, why breach security passwords to an account in his name to get the money of it were legitimately hers. Even if you believe she had a right to it how would you view your partners doing that to you? She had squirelled the money away, I think in preparation for separation before he and I met, but of course that is what you would expect me to say. I can't go into detail on this but just because he cheated on her doesn't make her a saint, I'm not justifying what I have done either but I think worldly wise adults know not everything is black and white

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/06/2013 00:20

Oh dear

duchesse · 19/06/2013 00:27

Ah yes, my not-stepmother believes that my mother is a stupid, spendthrift lunatic hellbent on destroying my father's relationship with his children. Why does she believe this? Because that's what he told her.

Kleptronic · 19/06/2013 00:36

OP step away from the man. No good has or ever will come of it.

Original poster
Auntienokids · 19/06/2013 00:37

Yep, I see that duchesse, but I have proof not truth and can convey facts with confidence that will withstand scrutiny, for what nay seem obvious reasons I can't give details. Take it or leave it, However, this string seems to be overtaken by this issue rather than original dilemma, whilst I understand the diversion if there are any constructive comments about next steps and the conversation I would appreciate it, if you don't think I'm worth it then I respect your decision to desist.

OP posts:
badinage · 19/06/2013 00:39

What do his wife and children tell you about the situation OP? Do they back up all his claims?

duchesse · 19/06/2013 00:42

Yes, so sorry.

My advice, staying on topic, is to dump him. He's stringing you along. Unless you don't mind being the no-strings turn-to shag. That might suit you, as you mentioned earlier. No-one can advise you on that though.

A friend of mine was in a 5 à 7 with a married man for years, a work colleague. The only way she managed to dump the slick bastard him was by moving to the other end of the country. The relationship itself did nothing for her self-esteem- she was always waiting for him to make up his mind. He never did.

Original poster
Auntienokids · 19/06/2013 00:42

They don't communicate with me, surprise!

OP posts:
duchesse · 19/06/2013 00:44

If you don't have any communication with them, how then can you be sure that you know the facts?

duchesse · 19/06/2013 00:44
  • all the facts
badinage · 19/06/2013 00:49

How very fortuitous for him that you've got no way of corroborating his lies.

Next steps?

You just say that you're not getting what you want or need from the relationship and want to end it. I wouldn't bother getting into long explanations about why - just stick to the unassailable facts that you don't want to be in this relationship any longer.

Then start seeing the whole relationship through a vastly different lens to the one you've had - and have still got to an extent now.

You've been royally conned and unfortunately, there's been quite a bit of believing what you've wanted to believe, despite the evidence that's been jumping out from the bushes and screaming at you to notice it.

Original poster
Auntienokids · 19/06/2013 00:49

Thanks Duchesse, I think you're onto something we met at work he was hi-flyer . me mid- management, lots of sex appeal associated with work, now I'm still at work and promoted , DP retired but running his own companies, he's not the alpha male in the workplace and I'm not the tactical operator when we met. Now I'm involved in cutting edge business whilst he is in the weeds about developing his business, dynamics are different

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntienokids · 19/06/2013 01:14

There are statutory reasons and evidence of facts I am unwilling/unable to discuss. Suffice to say they are not spurious allegations. I hope you understand, whether convinced or not. I'm thinking that I'm gonna have a shit weekend and will have a cry. Almost wanna be there now and get into wallow mode, not self-pity just grief and loss. DP was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 yrs ago now in remission but it puts thing in perspective and we went through it together for what? to end up apart...

OP posts:
duchesse · 19/06/2013 05:49

Can you actually be deemed to be in remission after only 3 years? I thought it was 5.

Do you have objective proof that he was actually ill? I only ask because faking illness is also in the EA palette.

TheRealFellatio · 19/06/2013 06:01

I thought exactly the same as Anyfucker. I don't think the ties are severd from his wife to quite the extent that you think they are. You sound like a long term mistress - still.

bigTillyMint · 19/06/2013 06:12

Fellatio, that's exactly what I thought too.

Get out and move on - life's too short.

mynewpassion · 19/06/2013 06:25

I know its not the a good thing to say but...Good for the maybe-not-so-ex-wife for taking the 50K. She probably deserves it for all his cheating. I am sure the OP wasn't the first woman he cheated with.

Original poster
Auntienokids · 19/06/2013 06:42

Hi all, yep he had hairy cell leukemia, saw the doctor and nursed him through the treatment...no doubt.
I spoke with my dbrother last night, he said "fuck him off" and text him it's over...nothing like a 40 year old man to cut through the shit! I've been thinking it over and DP has actually made it easy for me on reflection because he's been such a shit. We had a bust up on Sunday so he may not contact me again but my dsis said if he does tell him it's over and if he doesn't then I don't have to do/say anything. I can't believe how quickly my relationship has unravelled! 3 months ago we were living together and marriage was on the cards, now bit by bit it's being dismantled. All of the posters that have answered constructively, THANKYOU, you have made me see it for what it is and I've been deluded, you've all given me a chance to regain my dignity and empower me.

OP posts:
ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 19/06/2013 06:58

What good did you think would come of sleeping with a man who would cheat on his wife? Did you think you were so fantastic he would never mess you about?

Yes - you have been deluded. The other woman often is.

Next time you get involved with someone, have the sense to do it with someone who at least has the potential not to be a cheating, lying fuckwit.

TheRealFellatio · 19/06/2013 06:59

I think the fact that 3 months ago you thought marriage was on the cards is very telling. I think your discussing marriage as if it were inevitable, and possibly trying to pin him down to a time/commitment to it have made him panic and run. He is not even divorced is he? Sounds to me like he doesn't really want to be.

I think his wife has accepted that they have a civilised 'modern arrangement' and so long as no-one puts any pressure on him either way he's quite happy, and she's if not happy, then at least pragmatic. So it was working nicely for everyone but you. You made the mistake of not knowing your place in this 'arrangement'. And now you are paying the price.

Original poster
Auntienokids · 19/06/2013 07:31

Therealfellatio, thanks for early morning response, just going to work, it's strange how the ordinaryness of the day and mundane tasks bring things home to you, I'll never put my make-up on when he's lying in bed, share our in-jokes etc. she won't divorce him because of pensions etc and definitely does not want him to marry me, if he pre- deceased me obviously I would get a widows pension which I'm not interested in as an aside. His house is up for sale and this time he is taking the reigns,,I've seen it on Rightmove etc. He has been tip toeing around her and I've colluded in that and well...here I am! You know when you're heart feels heavy? that's where I am...I just keep picturing him and listening to him saying the hurtful things and think,,,NO! I deserve better.

OP posts: