DH anxious about TTC

[lessonsintightropes]

Sorry MNers am new to all this and having posted it in conception, think it would be better off here.

I'd really appreciate some advice. My DH and I have been together 5 years (married recently). When we first got together, he was very clear that he didn't want kids (aged 30). This is primarily due to him having had a v miserable childhood (his Mum died when he was 4, DFIL had a nervous breakdown and then married 'D'SM when he was 8, with whom he's never been close).

I - being truthful at the time and also 30 - said I was okay with the idea of not having children. I'd been single for 7 years and had thought I'd come to terms with it.

However, it has rumbled on as an underlying issue as I don't think I have ever really gotten over the idea deep down. Before we bought the house and long before we got married, I fessed up that I felt like we were making a huge mistake in not having a child. It's since become the topic of painful, tearful conversations... but he is now, very reluctantly, coming around to the idea.

I think his main concern is about losing my love and attention, being abandoned really, and that he'll feel resentful. I know him well enough (and indeed have seen him with my DSis' kids and those of many friends) to feel reassured he will make an absolutely fantastic Dad - probably better than I will make a Mum if I am honest with myself. He is much kinder and more tolerant than me!

How can I help him to be less fearful about this? If anyone else has been through this situation I would be really, really grateful for advice. My marriage is such a happy one in every other respect and we love each other very much - I just want us to try before it's too late (I'm now 35) and it feels like his anxiety will never abate to a point where we are ready to start TTC in earnest.

Is that actually his main concern, though? Has he said that? Because I suspect he is actually worried about repeating the past and screwing up his own kids, among other potential things he may be concerned about.

Personally, I think you're taking a big risk if you go ahead and TTC and hope for the best. At the very least, I think the pair of you should go for a few couples counselling sessions to work through all the feelings around this decision. You are ready to start but is he?

Please don't let your biological clock persuade you to bring a child into the world and simply hope for the best. I honestly think it's not about dismissing his fears or talking him out of them, but really truly finding out what they are.

I'm not sure this is what you want to hear, but....

A lot of men don't want kids, for whatever reasons, right or wrong, good or bad. Some are understandable, some are not. Regardless, they are perfectly valid (there are, believe it or not, a lot of women who don't want them either).

Generally speaking, it is much more common for a woman to change her mind about having kids than a man. That whole "biological clock" (which some scientists say does not exist and is mostly a societal thing). When a man tells you he doesn't want kids, believe him.

A child is not a car. It is not even a dog. You can send those back. Yes, of course there are accidents, but again, generally speaking, a couple shouldn't have a child unless BOTH parents actively and really WANT to have a child. Having one "very reluctantly" is not fair on anyone - on you, on him, on the child.

A lot of men agree to have a child because the wife wants one. It's true. Some turn out to be great fathers and are pleased they did it. Some realise it was a huge mistake and it breaks up the family. He may well be doing it purely because he loves you and would hate to lose you (have seen that happen, rarely ends up well).

You are seeing what you want to see with regard to him being a fantastic dad. I know several men who are brilliant with kids but don't want any of their own. It does not automatically mean they would be great dads at all.

I would urge the two of you to go and have serious couples counselling on this.

When DH and I married, neither of us wanted children. Then shortly before I turned 30, my clock started ticking and I realised I really wanted them. We had a lot of painful conversations but what it boiled down to was two choices: 1) agree to have children and the possibility he may resent me for it or 2) agree not to have children and the possibility I may resent him for it. It really was a stalemate that neither of us was happy about.

I then found I was pregnant (whilst on the pill) and I subsequently miscarried, but that settled it for me. I had to have children whether it was with him or not. I was so sick about it because I loved him and didn't want a life without him, but my need for children was greater.

In the end, he agreed to have a child and in 2010, dd1 was born. That first six months was hard. A new baby is tough and I was terrified that when I couldn't cope he'd say, "it's your baby, I never wanted children." To his credit, he never did and he's completely smitten with dd1 and she him. Our relationship really suffered though and it wasn't until after the first six months that we put some energy back into us and got back to a solid place.

We went on to have dd2 last year. Again, a new baby is tough, but this time round our relationship didn't suffer as we'd been there before and knew how to handle it.

I can't tell you how to make your DH feel better about this. My point is that his doubts may impact on you at a very vulnerable time, just as my DHs did. Whether or not you come through them, that'll be how you as a couple handle it.

Thanks to all of you. Jess that's what he says he's worried about. Jessica, I suggested counselling but he thinks we should be able to work it out on our own. Not doing a spectacular job of it are we! And AntsMarching it's so helpful to hear from someone who's been through something similar.

I think we need to put things on hold for a while until we really have got to the bottom of all of it - you are all right in that there's no point in rushing into this unless we're in it together, even if I imagine I can hear my eggs shrivelling with every passing month.