What does Romance mean to you?

[Thistledew]

I have been pondering this question ever since a conversation with my friend after DH and I got married.

We had a civil ceremony, and so wrote our own vows. They were loosely based on the seven promises that are made in the Hindu wedding ceremony and basically set out our promises to each other of how we will behave in our marriage.

I'm a bit reluctant to put them up in full as it will definitely out me to the people who came to my wedding, but they were in essence promises to take care of our physical and mental health, to manage our finances for our family, to grow as people and allow each other to do so, to try to make the right decisions in life, to raise any children to be good people, and to be kind and true to each other.

I asked my friend what she thought of the vows and she said that she thought they were good promises to make but that they were not very romantic.

I can see where she is coming from but the reason that DH and I did not make the traditional Christianity based vows is that we don't believe that it is possible to promise to love someone for ever, no matter what. That if the other person behaves in a way that is not loveable, you can't be bound by a promise to love. We see our vows as a promise to each other to be a loveable person.

Does this not count as romantic? What does it mean to be romantic? Is it the grand, overblown gestures and sweeping promises, or is it the little things that keep your relationship happy?

I would say that it is romantic that DH brings me a cup of tea in bed each morning and rubs my feet when we are sitting on the sofa at night.

Am I just hopelessly unromantic?

No-one? You unromantic lot!

Romance? Being brought a nice cup of tea in bed in the morning.

bugger all in this house

Romance is overrated.
Ex considered himself to be romantic.
Flowers, etc for special occasions.
Crap at day to day.

Tea in bed sounds fine.
And a marriage is about the day to day, not grand gestures or cheesy promises.

Your vows sound fine to me. :)

Your friend is just jealous Of course personalised wedding vows count as romantic; they sound beautiful and I think it's lovely that you took the time to think it through and say something meaningful during your ceremony, rather than just reciting the same words everyone else has said. (We did the same!)

Romance is overrated.
Ex considered himself to be romantic.
Flowers, etc for special occasions.
Crap at day to day.

Tea in bed sounds fine.
And a marriage is about the day to day, not grand gestures or cheesy promises.

Your vows sound fine to me. :)

"...I asked my friend what she thought of the vows and she said that she thought they were good promises to make but that they were not very romantic. "

What your friend means is that your vows were... well... pragmatic and realistic... (which is more than can be said for many of the traditional "christian" vows if you will). If people like your friend want to keep believing in fairies, let them. This way, you and your husband can actually exceed one another's expectations because you didn't set out unrealistic goals to begin with.

Thanks all.

I think that I am quite a pragmatic person and sometimes worry that my relationship with DH is based (for me) as much from the head as it is from the heart.

How would you describe romance in your relationship? Is it important anyway?

I believe romance is actually subjective. I was always told by my ex that I was the least romantic person, but I'm not. It's just that we found different things romantic. For example, he was much more about the conventional style of romance, like roses, meals out etc, whereas I was much more about the subtle, less obvious approach.

I actually think your vows do sound romantic. Others may not, but it's what they mean to you and your husband that really matters. Don't worry about not being romantic enough, you are what you are and it works for you.

Have you seen the languages of love?

For some people is giving/receiving gifts, others are about words (your friend?), touching, quality time, acts of service (yours?).

For me, touching is very important, for example.

So, it depends a lot, and couples should be compatible or at least understand what is important for the other.

Exactly, Lweji

I'm a romantic soul, for me romance isn't about huge gestures it's the everyday little things that show your thinking of each other, a cup of tea, de icing each others windscreens in winter etc. Having a good laugh together, we bounce off each other really well, I love those little looks that speak a thousand words too.

Your vows sound romantic to me OP! Yes they are practical, but they're also more meaningful and it's romantic to promise that you are both always going to put that effort into your relationship. Declarations of undying love are nice and everything, but mean nothing if they're not backed up by day to day actions and expressions of love and care (like foot rubs and cups of tea.)

In my marriage, romance is unexpected little things and evidence of spontaneous thought and care - we don't do much for Valentines day for example, because it feels forced, like we're being romantic and buying stupid cards because of the date rather than because we feel like it. DH turns up with flowers randomly sometimes, which is lovely, but offering to take my turn at the washing up or suggesting a theatre trip feels equally romantic.

I think your vows are lovely and romantic personally.

Romance in the grand gestures sense makes me feel a bit awkward for some reason. I've never really liked the idea of being swept off my feet with expensive gifts, big declarations etc. At the start it's chemistry and compatibility that matters to me and now - ten years down the line - it's about thoughtfulness, kindness and little gestures, and the intimacy of doing these things away from the eyes of the world.
Agree its subjective though - I know some women who love the idea of being sent flowers at work etc - I would be mortified!
I think your vows sound lovely OP, perfect and sweet and completely loving

My DP and I are not a romantic couple in any sense of the word to the outside world. We don?t like big public gestures, putting stuff in public view for everyone to go ahhhhh.

But I think we love each other in a quite a solid, steady way. It?s about trust, intimacy, feeling close to each other, and supported by each other.

Your vows to me sounded really grounded and well thought. I?d rather say that that the scripted ?for better or worse. In sickness and in health?, which sounds so hackneyed.

With so much celebrity culture around us everywhere, I think romance is definitely overrated and overblown.

Is Jordan?s wedding an example of romance? All pink fluffy stuff everywhere. Sorry not my cup of tea in a million years.

I think your vows sound tender, thoughtful and loving. So I'm not sure what romantic means either, probably different things to different peeps, but they would count as romantic to me. Does she want poetry or something? I couldn't be doing with that.

I think your vows sound lovely.

My DH doesn't think he's romantic because he doesn't go in for big grand gestures. I actually think he's incredibly romantic because he puts me before him, every time, and goes out of his way to make sure that I'm comfortable and looked after. It's the day to day things that are important, not declarations of undying love. Anyone can buy a bunch of flowers.