Is this friendship over?

[UpTheShitter]

Will try not to waffle too much and explain some background history.

Been friends with 'Laura' for 8 years, have lived together before (with others), been on holidays, were really close within a group of about 6 of us, close enough that I made her my eldest DC's Godmother when he was born 2 years ago. Have/had loads in common and always got on really well. I'm more of an extrovert than Laura, she's quite quiet until you get to know her, but doesn't hold back once you do.

Well, several things have happened since DC1 was born, to make me wonder if this friendship is worth continuing. Nothing too major, but I guess lots of little things that are starting to make me think, "should I just let this go?".

• We've seen each other less and less, despite still living not that far from each other. And this isn't to do with me, despite having two DCs, I still have a great social life and am nearly always able to go out if something's arranged, and I frequently am the instigator of nights out/meets/nights in. I have been supportive because she has recently started a new career, so is probably knackered, plus is getting married later this year, so I get that she is busy/tired, but would still like to see her, or at least her have some enthusiasm about seeing me! Lately I have text her to ask what she is up to at the weekend, say on a Wed/Thurs, and then she just hasn't text back, or will text back 4 days later or something. So I haven't bothered. I hasten to add that i'm not texting her all the time, been maybe once a week or so, but this has got less as she has failed to respond. I can't remember the last time she instigated meeting up, or sent a text/called asking how I am. I don't expect someone to text back straight away, or even same day, but 4 days (or not at all) each time is a bit 'off' I think.

• She was so enthusiastic about being DC1's godmother at the time, but I can't remember the last time she asked after him/wanted to see him, sent him even a Christmas card. He barely knows who she is. I get that not everyone is into other people's kids, but she gushes (rightly) about her newish nephew on FB, so she is 'kiddy friendly' if you see what I mean?

• She asked me to be her bridesmaid when drunk. I text the following day to ask her if she was sure, as it might upset a couple of our other friends, so I wanted her to be ok with her decision, but that I would still love to be bridesmaid. She text saying "do you think they would be upset?". I said "maybe but at the end of the day it's your choice". And then never heard anything back, and me being a bridesmaid has been brushed under the carpet, never spoken about again (her sister, an old school friend, and niece are bridesmaids, which is understandable).

• If I've dared question something, or ask if there's a problem, I get told i'm 'being selfish', 'spoilt' and it's 'not all about you'- even though I really don't know what i've done wrong, or made to feel guilty for wanting some sort of enthusiasm for our 'friendship'. I sound needy here, but she's the only friend of mine that i've had issues like this with!

• We always go out for our birthdays, but she didn't bother coming to my birthday drinks in Oct last year, as she'd arranged to have an old uni friend coming to stay (even though she knows when my bday is, and that I would be doing something for it). I said she should come out with her friend for a bit if she wanted as i'd love to see her, but I got a message from her about 7.30 that evening saying they wouldn't be coming (I got told by another friend that she was hungover from going out with uni friend the night before). I thought at the time 'fair enough' as it might have been the only time she could have uni friend coming to stay, but with the other things i've listed, it just seems to show her apathy.

It came to a bit of a head on Saturday, after not really being in contact for a couple of months, and some ignored texts, with a bit of an argument, and then an awkward atmosphere. We were at a mutual friend's party, and starting chatting, but it felt weird, so I told her I has missed her, and that I was wondering was going on as she just hadn't been replying to texts. She stormed out shouting, and made a scene, saying "you don't know what's been going on in my life!". I spoke to her DP and he said that something was going on with a family member that was serious and stressing her out. When she came back in, I said I was sorry, but of course I didn't know what was going on in her life if she doesn't contact me. She shrugged and said that she isn't the sort of person to shout things around. She said, "I saw you a month ago, what more do you want", and then shrugged again, and said, rather insincerely "I'm sorry if you feel that way, but it's just one of those things, i've been busy" (about the lack of response to texts).

Now i'm not sure what to do. If she has got a problem with a family member, I would normally want to support her through a bad time, but I feel she's been so weird and not 'friend-like', I don't know if I can be arsed anymore BUT if she's being like this because of a problem, then I wouldn't want to abandon her.

I can't stress enough that she's the only friend I have issues with, so I don't think of myself as being 'needy', but she's starting to make me doubt myself with her comments and lack of interest in our friendship.

This has all happened gradually over the last couple of years since I had DC1, but as I said before, i've been able to maintain socialising well, and i'm not someone who bangs on about their kid all the time, so don't think that would be an issue. I value my friendships, and think i've made more of an effort than most new mums might, as i'm the only one of us to have children so far.

Am I expecting too much of this? Has it run its course? Is she/me being a cow, or do we just have different expectations? What do you expect from your friends in terms of chatting/texting/meeting up/sharing things? I really am normally quite laid back, as with other friendships it's a two-way thing. We might not see each other for a while, or even chat on the phone, but always have some FB banter in PMs, or texts, or whatever, it feels relaxed, This no longer does.

Advice appreciated.

Wow that was epic!

If she wants to confide in you she can have no doubt that you're there for her. I would just leave it. Its sad when you outgrow each other, especially if there's no obvious reason, but sometimes friends just move on, a bit like relationships with men, it could be that its just run its course. Hope you have lots of other lovely friends to share things with and that you can stay in touch however briefly in future in case your DC1 wants to get in touch.

I've got a friend just like this, u text no reply, u call no answer then a week later a fb status no one cares blah blah.
Or a sarcy txt y didn't you invite me to.....
She does my nut in. The way I handle it is to let them get on with it. Send a message saying you are there when she wants you and then walk away. When seeing mutal friends just be happy and catch up.

Some people just get caught up in there own crap.

You seem to be in no win situation with her. If she doesn't tell you she's got a problem, how can you be a good friend and show support?

Then she gets upset when you ask her if there's anything wrong/a problem. My gut feeling is this kind of situation is to disengage, as there seems to come a point when everything you do is wrong, and that to me is a very subtle form of bullying or abuse.

Just let go, OP. Give her a chance or two to come back, but if she doesn't, you'll have to let go, for your own sanity.

Thanks for your replies so far.

I think I will have to just let it go and see what happens- she may contact wanting to meet up, but I guess I have to be prepared that she might not. I'm just worried that i'll be being a cowbag now if I don't maintain friendship, as I now know the bad stuff is going on in her family, that I won't have been supportive.

I guess it is bullying a bit, I hadn't thought of it like that before. She's quite quiet and much more introverted than me, so people think she wouldn't say boo to a goose, but she can be quite vicious of tongue when she feels like it. For the last couple years I've felt like I piss her off on a low-level basis, and she enjoys if something not-so-good has happened to me.

You sound like a kind friend. I would have given up on her well before this. I'd just let things slide and do stuff with your other friends.

You keep keep in touch in a superficial way - birthday / Christmas cards maybe, if you wanted to keep the possibility of communication open.

I have a friend like this but I do know she's had massive stress over the last year and has chosen to deal with it on her own. I still send her the occasional text / email but not in any real expectation of getting any reply. Plus if we do meet up its a bit stilted as there's just too much ultimate catch u on now.

If I were you I'd just gently leave it, no grand gestures/texts/emails. Just see what happens. And concentrate on your own life.

That's why it felt weird on Saturday wipsglitter it almost feels like we have too much to catch up on each time, where do we start? I know it's not like we live together anymore, so wouldn't know every single detail of what's going on, but still...

I'm in the same situation with one of my best friends who I've been friends with for 20 years+ & was bridesmaid for me-was thinking of asking opinion on this too. I think for me it's because I brought to the open that she has a drinking problem, (very gently & sensitively I think to offer support if she ever wanted support & decided to deal with it-not unwarranted or overreaction on my part as she drinks secretly, steals alcohol from my house & lies about it, drives under the influence etc).

Like you, I value my friendships immensely & I've been extremely upset that she has stopped putting any effort into our friendship but I've gotten to the stage where I think that sort of lethargy or deliberate lack of interest is really quite insulting. I wouldn't put up with it from my dh & I think all relationships need mutual effort.

It's very sad when this happens & its only happened to me once before with a close friend that lost interest after I had my ds & was just generally too lazy to leave his house but couldn't go there with a baby as he smoked. I think there's a tendency to feel like we have failed in some way but tbh if someone isn't able or doesn't want to be honest & talk to you about a problem if they have one, there isn't much benefit in having them as a friend & the fact that you've been friends for a long time doesn't justify flogging a dead horse.

I intend to stop making the effort, having made it clear that I'm available for get togethers if wanted. Whilst I'm greatly saddened by the loss, I feel that like you I've invested enough of my time that for whatever reason is no longer wanted.

I may sound a bit clinical, but focus your time and energy on the friends that actually want you around. Your friend may be likely to regret cutting you off & in the meantime you can decide how to react if that happens. Don't worry about it and take care of yourself :)

If someone spoke to me like that I would assume that they no longer wished to be my close friend.

You did well to bring it out into the open, but she reacted badly and could have just said quietly " I'm sorry, there has been so much going on in my life I don't want to share" but she chose to embarrass you instead.

Is the godparent thing a big thing to you? I have no idea if that can be changed at all. If not, then accept it in hindsight was not a great choice, was at the time and forget about it.

I wouldn't contact her now, and this is where fb and text don't help- it de sensitises the real communication between you and creates a false relationship. If she writes to you in a jokey way, just put " nice to hear from you, let me know when you would like to come for coffee"

I had a friend do similar, and she refused to discuss it or talk about it. Overnight. She was lovely too, holidays, nights out, best mate. I said " well, you know I'm always happy to see you" she nodded and that was that. Nowt as queer as folk.

I'd disengage too.

I don't know if this helps (or if it sounds similar) but I'll try and tell not as simply as possible.

I had a close friend. She was the year above me at school, friends with my sister. She moved in with our family when she walked out of her family home at 16. She became an adopted family member. We became really close over years. Lived together, holidayed together etc. Then slowly over a period of about 8 months (we were living apart at this point) she became overly needy, asking me why I hadn't invited her out to any random place I'd been with other people. It just got 'awkward'. We stopped talking for a long while. Then she blurted out that she was having an awful time, an affair with a married man, had an abortion - just awful stuff. I tried to support her etc but she shut me down. Not long after that we stopped contact for about 3 years.

Slowly, we began seeing each other at family parties and christenings. At first we were just polite, but slowly and surely we got to know each other again. We never properly discussed what happened but there seemed to be a mutual agreement that we'd moved on.
Fast forward 15 yrs, we live at opposite ends of the country, but are very close. We speak every week, sometimes phone, sometimes fb. Our children like to get together at least once a year etc. We've reached a great point in our friendship. I think it's 'matured' if that makes sense.

So I think you should leave it. I think you both perhaps need some space apart. I also think that perhaps you will find each other again in years to come as you grow older.

It's confusing and sad (my behaviour was probably the most confusing to my friend), but many true friends will come back to you - although sadly some don't. Hopefully yours will

Reading this reminded me of a famous quote that I can't remember properly, but to paraphrase - it's easy to be a good person when things are going well but you see a person's true character in times of adversity.

As others have noticed this is a catch -22 situation. You can't support her unless she lets you know that she's having a difficult time - no need to mention details if she didn't want to - she's behaving quite oddly considering your history.

I'd disengage and leave it open for HER to contact you in future, but don't chase her as she's being clear that she doesn't prioritise your friendship at the moment. Fair enough depending on what else is happening in her life, but you can't force your support on her.

You know her well. Hopefully well enough to know if she has other support available, and if she has a history of mental health issues or other conditions that need medical intervention.

Not sure on this one, I have two or three friends who have depressive episodes and when they feel down, they don't want to contact anyone (me) particularly, and aren't that up for going out for a while, do you think that could be true here? It's not all the time, but I personally think once a month for a meet-up would be fine.

Having said that, your friend doesn't seem so interested in you or your child, I guess you either demand a certain amount of contact and intimacy or let the friendship go if this is important to you- I would probably just see her less and see what happens. I think things have shifted on since you lived together and she doesn't sound very happy at all, and perhaps fun texting and meeting up is just not what she wants to do. I wouldn't chase her so much anymore as she is clearly quite stroppy, whether really about you and what you said, or her situation, and all you can do is back off a bit.

I couldn't get past being spoken to like that, particularly in public. There is never any need for it and it would kill any friendship I had stone dead.

i also think non-reply to texts is unacceptable.

She's not putting any effort into your friendship. You have to let her go. Don't tie yourself in knots - if she wanted your friendship during her rough time, she'd come get it.

You're well rid of her imo. If you make it clear by your actions that you don't come at any price, people respect that. If they don't, you don't want them in your life.

re texts non-reply - I mean frequently, not the occasional one-off.