How not to be a control freak

[JacqueslePeacock]

I have natural control freak-y tendencies. I had a very abusive upbringing and I think I generally need to feel in control of things in order to feel safe now. This is obviously not ideal in a relationship. I was wondering if anyone has managed to overcome their control freak ways successfully, and if so, if they had any tips?

Thank you!

It is letting go a bit at a time, if someone offers to do something, just let them, and let them finish even if they are doing it "wrong" or making a mess.

I had the same with various things, and whilst it's quite hard, and I still have a tendancy to take over in some areas, it's easier than it used to be. It does take a lot of toime and willpower though.

I find what helps me is adopting the mantra of, 'what's the worst that will happen?' In other words: if I don't do this myself, or if it doesn't get done the way I would like, what really is the worst that will happen?

Often, when you stop and think about it, the worst case scenario is not really anything terrible. Maybe DS goes out in slightly weird clothes, because DH thinks stripes and spots go together is it really the end of the world? Maybe people come over to the house and it's not perfectly neat is there really any harm? Or at work, if someone does something less than perfectly -- does it matter, if there is time for them to go back and correct it?

That way I can save the control freakiness for things where it actually does kind of matter, or where it's not bothering anyone (for example, I'm a control freak about certain things in the house, but it doesn't affect anyone else so no harm done).

It's also about learning to trust people. This was a big breakthrough for me, when DH explained that my being a control freak made him feel like I didn't trust him to do things, like I thought he was stupid or incapable. That is not at all what I think (like you, for me it is a coping mechanism) and it's the last thing I want him to feel, so it was a big incentive to do better.

I'm a control freak, and very happy to stay that way. I guess I have boundaries about what's mine to control, and "the rest of the my environment". So, for example, we have separate bedrooms (although always sleep in his bed). DH can keep his room as messy as he likes, and I'll keep mine as tidy and organised as I choose.

He's learned to never buy presents for me, as they'll go back for a refund, be given away, or get stuffed at the back of a cupboard. On the plus side, he doesn't have the stress of Christmas shopping, or trying to choose something suitable. My personal belongings are very definitely mine to select and buy.

Thanks for the responses! Hmmm....I guess in my case it's not so much the physical things which I need to control (although those are an issue too), it's more the joint decision-making I have trouble with. I struggle to accept DH's suggestions for things, and feel like I automatically have to reject any proposal he puts forward - even if I later decide I do agree after all, and I may even make the same suggestion later at a time of my own choosing when it feels "safe". I think I don't really like him to take initiative. I will try to start thinking "what's the worst that will happen?" a bit more often, but it feels almost like controlling things is an instinctive response for me.

It probably is an instinct -- but it's a mental habit, and we can change our habits, although it is very hard.

You could start maybe by meeting halfway -- it might be hard to say 'okay let's do it your way', but maybe you could get to 'okay let's try it your way and if it doesn't work out we can do it my way'. Just as a starting point.

Also, just to encourage you, I think you will find that the more you share decisions, there is a self-reinforcing quality to it -- the more you see that someone else's decisions turn out okay for you, the more you will trust them to make decisions that impact you.

Adding onto what dreamingbohemian said...about trusting people. Trusting someone is allowing them to exist. If a controlling person has to have all things their way all the time, then the other person doesn't really exist in the relationship. They are reduced to being a prop in the controlling person's life. Yes, I was the prop. So the chances of a sucessful relationship are rather slim.

Some of the dynamic may center on perfection, which may be a little different from control. Do you have children? Perfection and a large measure of control go out the window when children arrive. You can not make a baby eat/sleep/poop on demand. Schedules are important for guesstimating with kids, but no guarantees. The concept of "Good enough" becomes the gold standard. It can, of course, be used without kids. But know that it is another thought tool, because if you announce 'good enough' to your relationship partner, it may come across as a condesending insult.

I have no problem with lack of perfection from my DC, oddly. The issue is definitely control rather than perfection I think. I am mostly happy with "good enough" but I need to be the one in control.

You are definitely both right about trust. I grew up as the child that didn't exist, since I had no control over anything at all in my life. My mother was all-controlling, and I genuinely thought I might not exist - I felt as though I had to fight just to exist at all. Now I can see myself replicating this pattern with my DH. I think perhaps I'm so determined to exist and not to be obliterated ever again, that I am reducing my DH to being a prop instead. That's definitely not what I want to do but I keep slipping back into doing it.

My DC is still very small - I really have to change this properly before he is big enough for it to start affecting him as well.

Does your DH tell you that you are controlling?

I wonder if at least a part of your question may come from excessive self-deprecation on your part. Perhaps you are not as bad as you think, and only looking for yet another rod for your own back?

...because the best way to stop being a control freak is to stop demanding perfection from yourself.

I take your point about the self-perfection, but YES he does tell me I'm controlling! He has even said almost the exact same thing that someone posted above, about feeling like a prop in my life. And I know it's true. Almost every issue I have in my life (apart from the toxic birth family one) seems to stem from my desperate need to control my environment and those around me. I am trying to cut myself some slack, but I do need to fix this.

Sorry for presuming so much, JP, but I would like to rephrase one of your statements. You wrote: "Almost every issue I have in my life (apart from the toxic birth family one) seems to stem from my desperate need to control my environment and those around me."

Imho, I think it is backwards and should be: My desperate need to control my environment and those around me causes every issue I have in my life because of my toxic birth family.

I am a (former) Stately Homes poster, and can recommend that thread to you to help unravel the damage your family of origin did to you. Please seek counseling for yourself from a psychologist that specializes in family dysfunction and the lasting effects on adult children from such an upbringing. Books by John Bradshaw can also offer perspective, and help to validate yourself (there are several books, so read throuh the summaries to pick the appropriate one/s).

The controlling, micro-managing, mother superior person in my life was my sister. I have had to cut contact with her because she continued the family roles of keeping me subordinate, invisible, which was very damaging to my self esteem and ultimately my general mental health (depression/dysthemia). I was 46 when I got to my enough is enough moment, with no sincere apologies or self awareness (responsibility for her actions) on her part. She has said "can't we get past this?", but she will never change as two different counsellors and the Stately Homes support group have advised, so it has to be a "no".

It sounds like you do have self awareness, which , if I may say, is a seed of hope for you to be able to change and your relationship with your dh to survive.

How about having a policy in your own head that you will say to DH's suggestions: 'Yes.' (important first word) 'that could work...' then you haven't totally committed to his idea, but at least you have given it some validation.

Then you can think about it some more, and decide if it could work, his way, or not. If not, you can always say, 'have been thinking about (the thing)....and wondering if this way might be better, what do you think, DH?'

Don't know if that is clear, but this is what I did with my dcs, when they asked things, started my answer with a 'yes', and then added the rest, i.e., 'after you've eaten your lunch' or whatever. So the first word they heard from me wasn't always a 'no'.

These are really helpful, thank you.

AndtheBand, you are of course totally right that it all stems from my awful family. I have had quite a lot of therapy, and I'm good at spotting what I'm doing and where it comes from - changing it, though, seems to be another matter. Perhaps I should come over to the Stately Homes thread - am slightly resistant to going over it all again though. Just too depressing.

JP, I completely understand about rehashing things, and that is exactly why I had to step away myself.

Operationally, day to day, try to live in the present. You have your own family now which, by default, sort of degrades your family of origin to a lesser status. Try to stop giving them (the people of your birth family) so much importance; evolve beyond them and the history, iyswim.

Try a theme song, the Beatles "Let It Be" except adapt it to your dh: "Let Him Be" and trust your dh to be the intelligent adult that he already is...whatever he decides and whatever he does will be ok. Bite your tongue, leave the circumstance/room if you need to, but just let him be. You really do not need to validate yourself to him any more. He has married you and had dc with you, he is already "all in".

I've been in so many groups where we've wished all the No-sayers and the No-fearers could get in a blender and come out with balanced assertiveness

Your kind of controlling is an assertiveness issue. Have you done a proper assertiveness course? It might help.

In the meantime, my advice is similar to Scarlet's. You haven't told us how you trash DH's suggestions but, if your reply tends to begin with No, swap it for a Yes and see what happens next! Some other things I've found helpful are 'space-makers', like "That's interesting, tell me more," or "Hmm, what makes you prefer Option B?" This should give DH a chance to exist, and you some space to really listen and consider his viewpoint.

Two other little hints from assertiveness training: Eliminate "should, ought and must" from your speech. And eliminate "but".

I certainly support the recommendation to John Bradshaw's books.

Good luck! :)