My sister is L-ingTB. What do I say/not say?

[Oscalito]

Just that really. I knew this was coming as they have led fairly separate lives for a while and she's basically a single parent as it is, but she has just informed me that they have decided it's over.

I'm quietly happy for her as he's always had a bit of an edge to him and done some horrible things over the years - but I can't really jump for joy as there are children involved and it must be so hard for her.

So just wondering, from those who have been here, what are the best things to say to be supportive? She's said I'm not to be nice or give any sad smiles as she'll cry, she's coming over tomorrow with her kids and they don't know.

Just be positive, never give her cause to question her decision. She may need some validating from you so make sure you tell her how it was the best thing to do & always be positive about the future.

Ok. that is easy. She's been happier lately, gradually becoming more separate from him, and I think she knows it's the right decision. This may actually be a non-thread as it's such a smart move.

Could you offer to around an hour or so after she's told the kids? Ask her what kind of help she'd like? Be practical for her...

Remember to ask about the logistics - if her DCs don't know, when will she be telling them? Find out who else knows, or when she will be telling, so you don't put your foot in it with wider family/friends - or the opposite, perhaps she might appreciate you telling some of them so she doesn't have to do it all.

Ask if there is anything else she needs practical help with (could you have DCs whilst she sees solicitors etc? A trip out as a happy diversion? Babysitting?)

And just be generally supportive - but let her lead on how far she wants to go (especially with DCs underfoot).

I'd be yourself mostly and act as normally as possible. Listen if she wants to talk, offer practical help (even if she says 'no thanks'), pass the tissues if she cries.... but otherwise do what you'd normally do and treat her the way you'd normally treat her.

The end of a marriage is traumatic even if everyone realises it's for the best and, if you're in the middle of it, it's nice to be able to put it all to one side for a while, be normal, and just do ordinary things with people you can rely on.

What you don't do (IMHO) is treat her like a piece of glass.

Yes, good point Cogito. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be treated delicately, but at the same time it must be traumatic for her. Not out of the blue though so not as bad as it could be and often is, but still hard.

PS I also have to be diplomatic about him don't I?

Don't talk about what a twonk he is, there is always the risk that they may change their mind and get back together and then it's incredibly awkward!

I would like someone else pointed out, take her lead and just let her know you are there as much or as little as she needs you...

Yes, very VERY good point Feelslikea1sttimer.

Really want to be a mature, supportive adult and make things easier for her in an unobtrusive way, although my immediate response is to punch the air. I know that's unkind, especially with children who are going to be devastated, but it's such a great decision for her, she is so much more of a decent human being than him, part of the reason it's lasted so long I think.

I wouldn't worry about being diplomatic but pick your moment. When one of my very best, nicest, unsweary friends told me (over a few ) exactly what she thought of my ex, expletives and all, it was such a relief to be able to a) agree with her 100% and b) laugh like a drain.

I think that's it Cogito, when your friend/sister or whatever is married to someone you think doesn't deserve them you get so used to holding your tongue. Glad your friend picked her moment well and it helped you

It is all about timing. My break-up was sudden, shocking, I thought we might still get back together and so DM waded in far too early with the 'he was never good enough for you' stuff. Once I'd had a few weeks to get to grips with the idea and pull my angry boots on, my friend's rant was just what I needed to hear. Are you the kind of sisters that are normally pretty honest with each other?

We are generally honest and open, probably too much so, in fact. That's why I want to get some outside opinions on the right way to behave, from people with normal social boundaries unlike my family .... I don't want to go in all guns blazing (like your DM did) but more diplomatically, like a friend. I don't want to say the wrong thing or make it any harder. MNetters often seem to me a rather diplomatic bunch when it comes to awkward or sensitive interactions, something I would love to achieve!