Ditched by best friend for having a baby

[Columberjack]

I have namechanged as my friend is a mnetter.
My son is now over a year old and I am still upset, so I wanted to get it out on MN.
I had a friend of nearly 20 years (I am in my early 30s) who I used to be very close to and we shared a lot of history.
I have been married for 11 years and a couple of years ago DH and I had finally decided to TTC, after I had changed jobs.
We were then surprised, but really happy to find out that I was unexpectedly pg with DS sooner than we'd planned. However, we had had several worrying scans/ bleeding episodes which meant that I told nobody except DH and my Mum I was pregnant until the (thankfully clear) twenty week scan. It was incredibly stressful, but I did not want to share this anyone, especially with my friend as she was going through a very rough time. From early on in the pregnancy, she had begun to tell me regularly how she was incredibly broody, but the time wasn't right for her, hadn't met the right person etc. I made sympathetic noises and felt guilty for keeping my pregnancy to myself.

After the anomaly scan, I went to tell her and to apologise for keeping the secret for so long. When I told her, she was smiling, but her eyes were blank. It all pretty much went downhill from there really. She began to make comments all centred around the fact that my pregnancy was 'unplanned', bringing it up every time we met. She would talk about people she knew who'd had IVF babies who were just 'so wanted' and seemed unwilling to accept that we were actually happy to be having a baby.
It was as if she felt that I had 'beaten her' to having a baby; it was just really strange.

After DS was born she visited once, kept going out to smoke and then wanting to hold him, which I just found so selfish.
I've seen her on about eight occasions since then and each time she has made negative comments about how difficult DS will be when he's X-age and is still mentioning other people she knows who are having 'much wanted' babies. She didn't acknowledge his first birthday and rarely replies to any texts I send her.

A couple of months ago she reunited with her uni-ex and is getting married to him at the end of the year. He used to be horrible (came on to me and her other friends, got sacked for stealing from work,) though of course he may have changed. I am invited to be Maid of Honour.
The few times I have seen her she has been utterly consumed with the wedding and starting to try for a baby and has spoken of little else.

I am just so angry and hurt by her behaviour and for making me feel like I don't deserve a baby with my husband. I honestly thought she wished me well, but I can only see how jealous and bitter she feels towards me. I am still angry about the cruel remarks she's made about my son's appearance, and that she's laughingly told her relatives that DS was an 'accident'.

The friendship has pretty much gone, though I am still in the awkward limbo of still being MOH, which I'm not sure what to do about. Stupidly, I do still care about her and don't feel optimistic about uni-ex (he is living off her whilst his divorce goes through).
Just hoping that writing this will get some of the poison off my chest because apart from the loss of this friendship, I am actually really happy with my life.
Sorry it's been so long, but didn't want to drip-feed.

Your 'friend' sounds horrible. Your better off without her in your life.

I would tell her sooner rather then later you don't want to be MOH. If your brave enough i would tell her why but she sounds like her head is so far up her own arse, it would be a waste of time.

Its particularly nasty to be so rude about a baby, let alone a so called friends baby...

Wow, she ain't no friend! She's a first class bitch.

I'm sorry, this must be a very difficult thing to go through and I'm not surprised you're feeling so hurt. I would be inclined to write a letter declining your position of MOH and then setting out the reasons why (don't have to include your feelings on her stbd(ex)h).

Some people need it pointing out that they're being a bitch and quite frankly, she knows she's being a fucking cow bag so if you call her on it, she might think twice about doing it to someone else in the future.

I really hate people like this - you deserve better. I'm sure you've got some other really lovely genuine friends you can count on to make you and your family feel special. You don't need her making you or your DS feel less than worthy.

In fact, if you want to go the passive aggressive route, I would change back to your normal name, and re-post and then send to her. Sorry, I've had a few wines and my vengeful side is coming out...

Sorry OP if that wasn't helpful, let us know how you get on.

Ooh everyone on here is do harsh! I imagine she has been struggling with insane jealousy and has done a bad job of rising above it. The fact that she wants you as her maid of honor and you still care about her means there is something of your friendship left to salvage. After the wedding could you sit down with her and gently but firmly explain how you feel, but that you really still do want to be friends if she can behave differently? I think she is probably in a lot of pain, but obviously no excuse for behaving towards you as she has done. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to bring it up before the wedding as she will be v stressed and likely unable to have a reasonable conversation about it. Good luck!

So, she wanted a kid, but wasn't in the right circs to have one. And you decided to be careless and got one. And she was jealous. That isn't a huge surprise really is it?

I don't see that she has ditched you by asking you to be MOH. Weddings, and new relationships are, for many people time-consuming. She is including you, in a very central role, in something that matters to her.

You've obviously got a lot going for it for the friendship to have lasted as long as it has.

So, IMO, you are BU to let this one incident cloud/finish the whole thing.

Her behaviour does sound a bit strange but it's hard to call her on it since we don't know her.

It does seen like there was some jealousy on her part. I don't think you should have apologised for not telling her as soon as you found out you were pregnant- especially if there were health concerns at the time.

You can look at that another way though- she is one of your closest friends who has been in your life a very long time yet you didn't feel able to share this news with her straight away- was there some other underlying issue regarding your friendship?

She hasn't answered texts etc- that could just be because she is very busy with her own life which is changing drastically. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or want to be your friend- some people are just crap at responding to texts.

She has asked you to ply a central part in her wedding but this may not be the best idea. Isn't it going to be a tad awkward to be maid of honour when you don't like the groom?!

It depends where you want the friendship to go really. I think you need to either have it out with her in a non confrontational way- just be honest about your feelings re how she was during your pregnancy. Her "jokes" may have seemed light hearted to her and she might be mortified to realise your hurt. Alternatively she might just admit that yes, she was jealous and not a great support at that point.

The other option is to just leave it as it is. Sounds like its really eating you up though and this is one of those situations where some minor incident will occur and the entire situation will blow up with all of your negative feelings spilling out at once- that's a situation which will most probably ruin your friendship.

I'm glad others here have given you an opposing viewpoint to the kneejerk reaction of "she sounds horrible - dump her". I can only assume that those people have never been through the pain of watching others get married and in especially pregnant when your life seems to be standing totally still and you are longing for a child yourself. It can be absolutely excruitiating, you feel abandoned and lost and angry and deeply ashamed because you have these feelings and dont know how to express them.

I totally get it from your viewpoint - she has hurt you enormously. But feeling are not logical, and she also feels deeply hurt (NOT by anything you have done intentionally, simply by circumstances). She clearly still values you and wants you in her life. Can you find it in your heart to move through this? To see that her treatment of you was actually really very little to do with you and much more about an expression of her own fear and disappointment? Because I guarantee that when she gets pregnant all this anger and pain will dissipate and she will need you very much.

Everyone has said anything I'd be saying op!
You and your lovely little boy are better off staying well clear! Sorry you've been treated like this! My ex best friend was similar, not as bad, we're no longer friends!

She's allowed to feel awful and jealous and bitter, that's completely understandable. But friends don't repeatedly make unpleasant remarks about your children.

Just typed out a huge response and deleted it!
Thank you for your reponses. They've given me a lot to consider and I know that I need to calm down about this and stop feeling so angry.
I very much believe that the MOH offer was reciprocal, because she was my MOH. It wasn't an enthusiastic offer. I can talk to her OH quite civilly (though he still can't quite meet my eyes). I do accept that it would be hypocritical to be MOH at their wedding though. I never told her that he came on to me in the past, because she ended it with him shortly after the incident and she was at rock bottom in self-esteem, so I didn't want to make it worse.
I know this is now looking like I keep all sorts from her, but aside from what is strictly between DH and me, we did share most things.

I have never experienced the pain of infertility, but I am in my 30s and I do know how it feels to see friends have babies when you wish it was you instead. I just can't imagine acting this way with any of them, should they have got pg accidentally because they didn't have my baby. There isn't a 'first dibs' on babies fgs!
I am pretty pissed off that I feel like I have to justify being 'careless' with my own husband. It is our choice as a couple to take that risk, and we have always said that if a baby happened, we would be very happy with that. We have a secure relationship/own house/had stopped drinking and started eating more healthily etc, so we were not being grossly irresponsible.
I do wish I had lied when he asked if we'd been actively trying.
She is a heavy drinker/smoker btw and has no intention of stopping until ttc and I know it is shitty of me to bring that up, but I really feel that it represents the mentality with which she's approaching this.

This is drip feeding and I'm sorry, but this incident has stuck with me. When DS was a few months old, one of her relatives gave her a baby item to pass on to me and she actually asked if she could keep it for her baby. She obviously had no use for it and I would have really appreciated it at the time. AFAIK, still has the item stored away. It is just so selfish and sad at the same time. I wish she could have seen more of my DS this year and got to know him. We had always talked about being Aunties to each other's children but I just can't see that it would be this way now, even if she has a baby. I keep picturing her going through the first year and how hard it was at times for me and how I could have used her support and wondering if I could give that support to her, if we manage to patch things up again.
Ugh. Thank you for replying and thanks for letting me vent!

She's allowed to feel awful and jealous and bitter, that's completely understandable. But friends don't repeatedly make unpleasant remarks about your children

This exactly. I'm often surprised by the leeway some posters give women in your friend's situation. I married and had kids very late. I spent years terrified of the idea I might never meet someone and might never have children. I did not behave like this to my friends and sisters who did have children. It really isn't ok.

Question for you, OP, is do you think there is an ongoing relationship worth hanging on to? If not, decline to be MOH and see the friendship as over. If yes, then do it.

Same thing happened to me. Friend of 20 years. I had suffered infertility for 7 years and finally miraculouslygot pregnant. BF was horrified, distant and then down right nasty. When ds came along she was difficult, judgemental and rude. She got married but my invitation 'got lost in the post'. She eventually contacted me a week before the wedding to ask me. I sent a wedding present and haven't seen her since.
She didn't even want a baby she just didn't want me to have one.

I understand all too well the agony of infertility but there is no excuse in making other people feel bad even if you are jealous. I am amazed how many people seem to think it is ok to act badly because you are jealous.

Nobody is saying that it is "ok to act badly because you are jealous", but it is worth bearing in mind that there is another hurting person in this scenario.

The brilliant Brene Brown says, "we use blame to deal with our feelings of powerlessness". It's a phrase that has really stuck with me, and it strikes me that thats exactly what the OP's friend has done. And quite often in this situation people are totally unaware of what they are doing and why they're doing it.

I'm not saying that the OP should patch it up with her friend if she doesn't feel able to, but presenting another viewpoint when earlier posters are labelling the OP's friend a "bitch" seems kind of important.

An old friend is not the same as a good friend.

We cannot control the way we feel but we can control how we act upon those feelings. Your friend gave herself permission to act in a spiteful, jealous and unfriendly way towards you because of her negative feelings about what was happening in her life and you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. Now she wants you to step up to the friendship plate and you've now got to decide whether the friendship is one of true value or just habit.

Shared history is not a good enough reason to continue a relationship that makes you unhappy. Apart from this issue, how does the friendship work? What is the dynamic? Is this a one off blip or is it indicative of how she always treats you?

I recently took the decision to back off from a 34yr friendship. This 'friend' wrote some nasty and humiliating comments about me on Facebook in the guise of a joke. She didn't name me but several people knew that she was referring to me, although of course she denies it. I am a loyal, kind friend and I have never and would never do something like that to anyone, not least a person to whom I refer to as 'my besty', but you know what? She's always been like this. I just never really stood back and properly looked at the relationship.

I was always her 'go to' person when she needed something but not only was that not reciprocal but at school, she was in another friendship group that actively bullied me and she would stand by sniggering and then scuttle over when they weren't around with platitudes. And it's down to jealousy, she perceives my life to be so much better than hers and that I have never had hard times, which couldn't be further from the truth but it's all about her and she's never taken the time to see me for me. I took it then because I was young and stupid but I've no room in my life now for people who want to use me as an emotional punchbag.

It's relatively easy for me to cut her out as we live a couple of hundred miles away from each other and contact has become very sporadic since I've had kids so I can just quietly slip away. For you, that's not so easy. The MOH thing is really difficult - I'd be inclined to say, decline the invitation but that's easier said than done. How do you feel about having it out with her?

i have distanced myself from a friend for similar reasons to what you have described OP.

I understand jealousy and how that drives a somewhat rational person to behave like a different person...i found out i was accidentally pregnant at 20 and the friend mentioned was entirely unsupportive. "friend" went as far as to say that either i "get rid" or she cant support me on my decision. Her reason for this was she thought i would be ruining my life- her real reason was she had recently been told she had PCOS and may not be able to conceive. She had no boyfriend and was also morbidly obese so was ineligible for any treatment if she were to meet someone. I lived in my own rented house and had a BF who was supportive(he turned out to be an Asshat but thats by the by) i was working in a stable job and felt ready for a baby(terrified but ready) ...i had a MC at 14 weeks so all the upset over her feelings about my PG was essentially for nothing but i couldnt forgive "friend" for her reaction and we havent spoken without awkwardness for 10 years.

I have been TTC for 6 years and had 8MC during that time (so 9 altogether) and she knows this too (through another friend) and she has made no bones about saying "what goes around comes around" type comments as if it is all my own fault that she cant conceive. She still has no BF and doesnt go out to look for one etc i struggle to see how her decisions are in any way my fault. i have NEVER reacted to another person how she did to me. I have been supportive and helpful to my friends and SIL who have all had babies whilst i have been TTC and MCing. My SIL in particular struggled with the idea of an unplanned pregnancy and i was nothing but supportive and i know the jealousy etc. (sorry about the rant!)

OP IMO this is a conversation you need to have with her as she may think she has done no wrong when in your eyes she has hurt you. i wouldnt be the MOH until the conversation had been had IYSWIM

Sadly this happens, I have something similar with a very old friend. The 'beaten her to have a baby' comment really rang a bell with me. I fell pg by accident, though only a few months before we were going to start trying anyway. Though we'd been together forever DP and I had (have) no intention of getting married, and we hadn't bought a house by that stage either. My friend has made several comments over the past 2 years about how both she and her husband think it's unfair that I had a baby when I "hadn't done things the right way" - the right way, apparently, being get married, by a house, then have a baby.

As a friendship, we are currently struggling with that age-old problem of having different priorities and different lives at the moment. She is now struggling TTC and so conversations that are overly DC-centric are very understandably difficult for her. Sadly, I'm stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment between work and DC, and this means we're dancing on eggshells with our conversations. I don't get to go out or watch new films or go to the theatre like she does - we're losing things in common to talk about

You've got good advice above, but only you can decide what you want to do about it. I just wanted to say this seems to happen an awful lot. As people change and grow older, some friendships don't change enough with you. It's sad but there's not much you can do about it.

I suspect that she is upset about the withholding you did about being pregnant.
Obviously it was completely your choice to withhold the your pregnancy status, you did nothing wrong, but I can completely see why she would be upset.
If she was feeling desperate to have a baby and she shared that with you, opened up to you, then found out that you had chosen not to be so open to her in return, it would be natural to be hurt.
If I was in her situation and I had allowed myself to be vulnerable with a friend and she hadn't reciprocated I would wonder whether I had misinterpreted our friendship.
She is perfectly entitled to revel in getting married and looking forward to getting pregnant herself.

Ultimately you are both hurting but she appears to me to be making an effort.
You have to decide whether to make the same effort in return. She sounds as though she has been poisonous but some of your feelings expressed here have been poisonous too.
If you decide to be her MOH it should be with an open heart, wishing her the very best and being there for her. If you can't do that then you should step aside and allow a fully supportive friend to do the role instead.