Please help, I dont know what to do about XH ad dd1s relationship

[Boomba]

he is 8. We have been seperated about a year. DD2 is 3 years old. He clearly favours dd2. Mostly I think because she is still little and cute and it is less complicated and easier.

DD1 is high energy, exhausting etc and they have clashed more and more as she has gotten older. He completely blames me and says I spoilt her when she was younger and now he cant get on with her/she doesnt listen to him etc.

I try really hard not to bad mouth him in front of the kids and back him up/tell dd to listen and be respectful

He was pretty much uninvolved a lot of the time even when we were together, spending most of his free time out with his friends. I think he has never really learnt how to be a parent IYSWIM. He always blames dd1 if there is an arguement between the 2 girls, because she is older. Ive tried to talk to him about this, but he says she should know better

Today was awful. Id been out for theday and whe I got back dd1 ran out across the road to meet me in floods of tears. She hd fallen down the stairs and XH had berated her for being stupid and not shown any concern for her well-being. I took her inside and was consoling her, whilst XH was collecting his things to leave. Before he left he came into the room where we were and started shouting at her for being clumsy/not paying attention blah blah. I asked him to stop shouting at her and he laid into me about spoiling her and how he wasnt going to see her any more. He said he would only come to see dd2! I told him to leave, which he eventually did.

He has since phoned o say he didnt mean it. He was feeling ill. And he is worried that dd1 is growing up to be disrespectful and 'naughty'. He said I need to talk to her.

sorry sorry...this is so long!

I dont know what to do Its going to be so damaging for her if he carries on lik this. I cant make him be a better parent though. Do I just have to let them get on with it, and mop up her tears?

Oh Boomba, it must be really difficult for you in this position and how hard for your dd1.

Perhaps if you wrote down in non passionate language how you feel your xdh could be harming your child by his style of parenting. You could either use it as a crib sheet when you have the conversation or just give it to him.

Years ago ( I am ancient) I went on a parenting course which I found very helpful. Would he do this? In the end you may have to decide whether his parenting is harming your dd.

i dont think he would do a parenting course. He thinks she is the problem, not himself (oh, and me of course. Everything is my fault ). I will suggest it though, its worth a try.

What if I do decide his parenting is harming dd? Can/should I stop contact?

Boomba I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Your XH is being extremely abusive to you and both your DC. My EXH was ok with DC when they were little but as they got into their teens and got bit cheeky he could not handle it & assaulted them. Not just a slap and police were involved. All he ever felt was self pity. My DC cannot stand him & don't want anything to do with him. I never thought I would say this but IMO absent fathers do less damage than abusive ones who are present. In the meantime keep protecting yourself and DDs from that horrible man and seek legal advice. Good luck I hope that things get better for you.

Thank you both for hour replies. I'm sorry too whitesugar. I have been wondering about the benefits of them seeing him at all. Feel really sad, at that prospect

If this is allowed to continue, it will damage their relationship as sisters and that could cause them problems as adults.

I would be curtailing contact under these circumstances and seeking legal advice with regards to formalising access arrangements. He cannot be trusted at all can he?.

Note too that he has not apologised nor taken any real responsibility for his actions; he has asked you to talk (again) to DD1. He has you all on a string. My guess is as soon as you leave your DDs in his care he starts on DD1. The one at primary fault here is your ex H who is also doing this because he can.

I do think she's better off without him.

I'd go to the gp to have her checked out (about the fall from the stairs) and explain what happened. So, get it on record, should he backtrack.

By all means suggest a parenting course, although at this rate I think I'd insist on supervised visits, should he want to take DD1 again. Also worried about DD2, as he may well turn on her next.

Thank you for your advice

attila no, it struck me that he didn't apologise. I worry a bit that he has a point about me spoiling dd1. I don't think I have/do, bur I know as a parent it is easy sometimes to be blind to these things. It's so destabilising. Trying to protect dd, bur also be a bit objective

Do you really think this warrants stopping contact? It feels very huge. What does 'formalising contact arrangements' mean? Do you mean supervised?

He is better if he just has dd1, and not the 2 of them together

How do supervised visits arranged? I don't like the sound of it. I don't think he would agree to it

I don't think it's as simple as denying him contact just because he has has a go at his DD which i doubt would stand up in court. can you imagine a judge siding with you because you said you stopped contact as he, your XH said she was clumsy (cant remember exact words, sorry). Presumably he's not abusing the children physically or unmindful of their safety when he's alone with them.

You said he gets on better with your DD1 when he's alone with her. Can you not suggest he take the girls alternately so he can spend some one to one time with each which would allow him to build up a better relationship with DD1 particularly.

Or encourage him to see the girls with his own mother or close relative. Sometimes parenting with another adult there is easier as you have someone to bounce ideas on and it takes away the pressure.

Good luck.

Your ex is vile I can see why you left.

A child falls down the stairs. Even assuming there and no broken/fractured bones it is one hell of a shock and FUCKING HURTS
He didn't even comfort her. He proceeds to be nasty to her and you later in your own home because he isn't feeling well.

Nasty bastard. Stop contact at yours if you can. I not sure what your child is leading from this.

Boomba, I think you should try and get some advice on how to deal with this. Definitely take your DD to the GP and get this incident noted. See if they can give you some advice on what to do about this. Maybe phone the NSPCC for advice? Or the school? Somewhere where you can get help on how to address this awful situation. I think the supervised contact is to protect your DD, as clearly without anyone else present, your ex cannot stop his verbal onslaught against your DD1. He is being emotionally and verbally abusive, and I'd even go as far to say he is physically abusive if he cannot care for your child after falling down the stairs - she could have had any number of injuries and he was more focussed on berating her for being clumsy?

I honestly don't think there is an easy answer to this, but the main solution has to come from your ex. You need to point out to him that what he is doing is abusive, bullying, and very damaging to your DD. It's also going to damage your DD's relationship with each other as well as him. He is the adult, and he needs to do something about his attitude and behaviour. Spell it out to him, and suggest he gets some help/advice on his inability to control his abusive behaviour and get advice on where to go from here from wherever you can.

This is really about power and control; even though you are separated he is still calling the shots here.

You yourself have been wondering about the merits of him seeing them at all.

Yes, I mean supervised access at a contact centre. Not your home. Your ex is still in your home even though you have now thankfully separated. That should cease as of now; your home should be a sanctuary; not some place where her awful dad can tell her off after she fell down the stairs. He did not even comfort her at all. Also in turn you are blamed by him for her behaviour.

His behaviour could also damage the sisterly relationship your children currently have and they could well despise each other when older. Your eldest may already be resentful of her younger sister because of her dad's behaviour.

I would argue he is manipulating both the situation and the children here as "punishment" to you for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

I reckon you are still on many levels afraid of this man.

Such types never apologise for their actions nor take any responsibility for same.

He knows full well what he is doing, he does not give a toss for either you or his children. No point trying to spell the fact that he is abusive out to him, he is not interested in anything that you have to say to him and it is likely he hates all women as well.

Seeking legal advice is a way forward here.

Dsis is going through something similar with her ex atm. DN is 9 she is constantly ignore overlook ar shouted at and told "your just like your mother" She also gets treated differently in terms of gifts etc her db's come back with armfuls and she has 1 or 2 smaller value items. Her df only sees her once every few months yet she still gets this, until now dsis has persuaded dn to go when her df visits but she is now refusing (night wetting bad dreams etc due to the stress).

Dsis has now said if she does not want to go she does not have too, although the boys will be allowed. In your case I would worry about the division it creates between the sisters. He is effectively bullying her, I don't think I could sit back to 'mop up tears' I think you need to put your foot down either he changes the way he parents and attends a course or he's sees them both with supervision?

Not if this is any help to you but it is not as unusal as you might hope.