ex trying to get in contact.

[charleyturtle]

this is more of a rant really so sorry.

a friend of mine has recently tried to get back in touch and i feel super weird about it. basically we were really close in uni. looking back we had a very weird relationship. he was super controlling, if we went out and he saw me talking to someone else he get really pissy and once even shouted at me and stormed off because i was chatting with a guy he didnt know but i was fairly good friends with. he would show up at my house at any time night or day and be angry if i had other plans. if he found out i was out with someone else he would try and get me to stay with him by saying he was going through some emotional turmoil.
anyway we ended up sleeping together once and i told him it was just a drunken mistake and i didnt want anymore from it. i moved away and he kept trying to contact me. i later found out i was pregnant and told him. he begged me to move in with him and marry him. i told him i didnt want that but would like to sensibly talk about what we could do. he didnt speak to me for weeks then out of the blue started sending me abusive txts "i will find you and kill you", "i will burn your house to the ground", "you will never get away from me, i will always find you" etc. i found this super frightening and told him if it continued i would go to the police.
again didnt hear from him for a few weeks, i asked him what he wanted to do about the baby. he told me he was moving to mexico with his girlfriend. i was pretty shocked but decided to make the choice on my own and ended up having an abortion (very sensitive about that so please dont judge). about a month after that i ran into him in our uni town when i visited friends and he asked me to sleep with him before he moved away (obvs i said no)
after that i didnt speak to or hear from him for about a year untill he facebook messaged me just saying "hi how are you?" as soon as i saw his name pop up i felt sick. i havent messaged him back but he has resent the same message daily.

am i being insane to be so upset by his contact? i just want to forget him completely. i dont have him as a fb friend (although i have a lot of mutual friends) so i feel like he is trying to find me and i dont like that.

sorry i know its just a big rant but i have nobody to talk to about this in real life.

Bleurgh.

You know that you don't want him in your life and you know that the dynamic of your friendship was fucked up. You know that messaging you daily despite no responses is stalkery.

you also know that you should block him on facebook so he can't contact you again, yes?

Hopefully that will be an end to it.

Block him, then he won't be able to message you, or harass you.

God how awful. He sounds a nightmare. I'm not surprised the thought of him in your life makes you feel shaky. Stay well away, block him on Facebook, stay tough.

And no, you're not being insane to be so upset, not in the slightest.

That sounds terrifying. I'd be really upset by the contact too. See if you can block messages coming from him on facebook (I'm sure you can). If you get any threatening messages again then report them to police straight away. Don't reply in any way. Hope you're ok

This may be tangential, but would it help not to think of him as an 'ex'? He was a friend, yes, and you drunkenly and mistakenly slept together once and had to deal with the unwanted consequences - but you were never in a ' boyfriend-girlfriend ' relationship that broke up, so he's not your 'ex' . He's someone you were once friends with, who had some odd behaviour characteristics. youve not mussed him while he's been gone, and you'd rather not re-establish contact. The easiest way to do that is to ignore and block. You may not be comfortable with that, but you also know that you'll likely end up having to do that anyway, after a lot of aggro, if you make any response at all.

Missed of course...

""i will find you and kill you", "i will burn your house to the ground", "you will never get away from me, i will always find you" etc. i found this super frightening and told him if it continued i would go to the police."

You should report him to the police now for harassment. Don't wait. I don't think there is enough to charge him, assuming you haven't kept those earlier threatening messages, but the DV unit would still be very interested in the story and will be able to give you advice about staying safe. He wanted to frighten you before and these daily 'how are you' messages sound sinister to me. Get the police involved.

He is not a nice or healthy person in your life. Of course you feel awful that he is trying to get in touch! This man harassed you and threatened your life!

You have done well to cut ties with him and stay away for the past while. Keep it up, and feel no qualms about it: you are protecting yourself, as you are entitled to. People like him do NOT respect others' boundaries, so you may need to find yourself taking action to protect yourself some more. Do everything it takes, it is your absolute right.

What a horrid-sounding man.

And you can block people on FB. I suggest you do so immediately, and up all of your privacy features on FB so that "friends of friends" (ie. him) do not have access to your posts or photos. You should also religiously un-tag yourself from all photos posted by other people, as you have no control over what other people post and what privacy features they have in place.

Block him on fb and sort out your privacy settings straight away.
Agree he is not an ex, just someone you used to know and you had a bad experience with and don't anything further to do with. If he pops up somewhere, that's what you tell your friends.

I would also call in at the police station or call 101 for advice and log any contact he makes.

Do you have a dp? Or dh? Tell them what you want them to know so they are aware of this bloke being like this.

I knew a bloke like this, he had one drink with me as friends not a date- he called me and I let it go to answer phone every night as he left long ranty messages about where was I etc etc, swearing and calling me names.

I had some friends round, played it to them and basically they made sure he didnt bother me again. ( sometimes small villages work in your favour)

thanks guys. didnt realise you could block people on fb so ive done that now.
my dp knows about him but i never want to bring it up as i think it might make dp angry and im worried he would contact this guy to tell him to stay away, even though i think thatd be a bad idea.

yeah i worded it badly, i dont think of him as an ex really just didnt know how else to word it.

thanks for the support, thought i was crazy and stupid getting so upset. xxx

Do phone the police on 101, just to log it. Then if he does try to contact again you can let them know and it will be more than one occasion.

thanks i think thats a really good idea. i am trying to find my old phone because i think i may have the old txts he sent saved on there (i got a new phone shortly after with a different number so he couldnt get me on the phone again.) hopefully i can show them because im worried no one will believe me and just say im being vindictive because of our past, i know this'll be what he says if anyone asks him about it.