Can i have some opinions on this email to my mum please?

[ReginaPhilangie]

Ok, the email is pretty self explanatory but quick background is my mum is quite intense, insists on being my best friend, is jealous if I have friends or a close relationship with my sister. I've been reading Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life by Dr Patricia Love and so much of it rings true. I've been separating myself from her (or getting out of her clutches) for the past few months. This was pretty much spared on by the actions and comments of her DP towards my dd1 (10). Here and here, there's a lot more over the years but they're the most recent. I don't feel I can trust her alone with my dds now because of it. Now I pretty much see her only so she can she see the kids and then it's sporadically (every few weeks) and I am always present now she'll never be alone with them again.

I've tried to deal with the way our relationship is a few times over the years but she has a way of making me feel like I'm being a silly little girl and overreacting. So now I'm taking the bull by the horns and not listening to her, (it's very hard). She texted me earlier saying we SHOULD meet up to talk because SHE NEEDS to sort it out. I want to send her this email but DH thinks it's too harsh and I should tone it down a lot, possibly just sending a toned down version of the first paragraph. Can I have your opinions please? Thanks .

"I'm not going to meet up to talk about it. You are still a part of my life just not as much as before. The truth is I found our relationship too intense and I don't think it's healthy, especially not for a mother and daughter. I found it all consuming and it got to a point were it was effecting my mental health, I started suffering from anxiety and getting panic attacks.

I need space, you shouldn't play such a big role in my life that I always defer to what you think regardless of what I think. It's always been like that, you've wanted me to be your best friend since I was little when what I needed was you to be my mum first, not a friend. I'm not going to get a bit of space and then everything will go back to how it was, this is it, this is what our relationship is like from now on. I love you but I don't want to be your best friend any more I just want to be your daughter.

I know that because of the way our relationship has been and because of your jealousy I've never been able to have a close relationship with my sister because you couldn't handle it. You didn't like it if we saw one another without you. That's not normal you know, I want to have a proper close sibling relationship with my sister without having to feel guilty or like I'm betraying my mother in some way. Siblings are supposed to closer to each other than they are to their parents.

I know you're going to say that I've hurt you and how can I say such things after everything you've done for me and was my childhood really that bad and you must be such a bad person... All I can say is I'm sorry you feel like that, I'm sure what I've said will hurt, but it's the truth and that's my reality. I've been living with emotional blackmail and secrets since as far back as I can remember and I can't live that way anymore. I need to be honest with myself, I need to have a more honest life where secrets and guilt have no part to play."

I don't know the back story. To me that sounds fair enough, hurtful - yes but like I say I don't know your story.

The siblings closer than parents thing I'm not sure about. I don't know if they are supposed to be closer. Certainly not in my case it's a different kind of closeness. Perhaps leave that part out if she is feeling pushed aside as its quite harsh?

Well, you explain yourself and personally I don't think you need to tone it down if you don't want to.

However, you do sound very 'engaged' in it, like you're going to be waiting for her reply, for the next installment. It's just more intensity.

Would you consider something like:

'I'm feeling drains so giving myself some space right now. DH and I are giving a lot of thought to our family and we have to put that first. That includes me not feeling emotionally exhausted. I realise you want to talk but I hope you'll understand that I feel you need to talk things through with someone else this time. '

And then just leaving it for a bit? Or including details of a local counsellor? Whatever, I would set it up so there's minimal drama.

Not sure my option matters. The email is clear in that you aren't happy with your relationship with your mother and you feel its her fault you are not as close to your sister. Its also clear you feel it's her fault because of her behaviour you suffer from panic attacks, anxiety etc. and this has affected your mental well being, as well as ability to maintain close friendships with others.

You have made yourself really clear in the email. I guess the question is! What sort of relationship do you want with your mum going forward? Because the tone of the email will likely determine your future relationship.

I really hope everything works out OP and you can start afresh. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

I think you say too much?

Perhaps just tell you want some space to concentrate on your immediate family?

I'm concerned that she would just through what you have written back in your face.

Thanks for the replies, some food for thought there. Yes you're right NeatSoda I am very engaged in it. I realised that she's managed to pull me back in (to her drama) again. And LittlePeaPod I guess it will determine our future relationship. So I'm going to sit on it tonight and see how I feel about it tomorrow.

RandomMess that's the thing in the past I've told her I wanted space, and she's (begrudgingly) given to me for a week or 2. And then she's right back at it, phoning, texting, emailing, turning up at my house at the kids school at hometime. If I say I need space she'll just do the same again. I don't want to be close to her anymore. Hell, if it wasn't for the kids I think I'd cut her out completely. I feel like I need to be harsh to make her sit up and listen. Although she probably won't, she'll just become the hurt martyr she always does.

The funny thing is no one from our family speaks to her anymore. She's fallen out with a lot of people over the years and I (stupidly) always thought it was them. Now I realise it is her, and the way she treats people.

Is it possible to be exact about what you do want from her? I.e. see her once/twice a week only, no surprise visits, only 2 phone calls a week etc. My worry is that unless you are very specific about what you will tolerate from her she will just slowly creep back into your daily life. As she won't 'get' it (and she won't) it will be very hard for her to gauge for herself what is appropriate and what is not.

I don't think you need to tone it down as anything more gentle will be dismissed and not taken seriously. However, this brutal approach, although it will get her to sit up and listen will also provide her with the opportunity to be 'horribly wounded'. So long as you feel able to deal with the drama it may be worth it in the long run in order to establish very firm boundaries.

I know from experience how all-consuming and emotionally draining a toxic parent can be, you have my sympathy.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

I still think you're accidently feeding her drama too much though.

Perhaps you say that from now ownwards you need much more space from her and that means she may only contact you on a Saturday (or whenever) that it's not open to dicussion or negotiation???

Ok I've just sent the first paragraph and first sentence of the second paragraph. I added a bit about needing space from her and she needs to respect that.

You're right about the drama RandomMess, so hopefully this toned down version will be enough.

I've woken up with a stinking cold this morning, which I know is brought on by the stress. Didn't get a wink of sleep last night either, feel like death warmed up this morning. Ha, I thought I'd gotten to a point where she didn't effect me physically anymore, obviously not!

Your Mum sounds utterly engulfing and her partner just sounds like a risk. Ignore, stay away, concentrate on yourself.

Any kind of email or engagement with her will just bring you back into her sphere of control.

Well if you are still receiving her emails and txts then she knows she can affect you so you must stop all contact and if she is turning up uninvited you must have it out with her or can you move?
Your email was too complicated and don't bring your sister into it. Your DM is probably in denial about her behaviour so will just not see that what you say is correct. You need to keep away from her and if she is as toxic as you say I would keep her away from DCs too. And don't waste breath persuading, just do it, and don't get into pointless arguments.