I am scared i am damaging my DD and breaking our relationship!

[SlittySluttySlots]

Long story short, DH left at the beginning of the year and although still involved, the lions share of time with the DC is with me.

DD turned 4 at the weekend and DS is 18m.

I just find that i am struggling to control my anger with DD - she is of an age that pushes things anyway but she's also reacting to H being gone too, i guess. I just feel like she doesn't listen, does nothing she is asked and pushes & pushes & pushes till i lose it... and i end up hating myself.

I am so scared i am hurting her emotionally and causing her long term issues... I tell her i am sorry almost straight away and we chat it out but i need to stop getting to that point...

I am finding things so hard and can't bear the thought of my DD starting to modify her behaviour around me... she's 4, ffs - she is just being 4!

When i mention to H that i am struggling with her behaviour, he doesn't get it - she doesn't act in the same way apparently, no tantrums, answering back, pushing him! I just feel like i'm doing it all wrong!

Help me cope with this as I really want to change and be a better mum to both my kids... DS is mostly oblivious but i am guessing he will also be learning not to push mummy and the thought of my own children 'walking on eggshells' makes me sob

Any and all advice welcome - just please be gentle as I am already beating myself up over this.. why can't i change?

Oh god, I felt just like you recently. Posted about it. DD is almost 4 and DS is nearly 1. I was very sleep deprived and DD was acting just like yours. I honestly felt just like you - so worried that I was being unpredictable and that she was going to have to modify her behaviour and walk on eggshells around me.

I read 'Calmer, Happier, Easier parenting' and started using it straightaway. It made a huge difference immediately, both to DD's behaviour and to mine.

I need to read it again (it's available on kindle if you have one) as I've found myself getting a bit shouty again.

Is there any chance you could get some counselling so that you have somewhere to offload? you must be under a lot of stress from your relationship breakdown.

I'd not mention it to the exh or compare how she is with him - she's bound to act differently and be more relaxed in her main home.

Look at flashpoints - such as overtiredness, hunger to see if there's a pattern why these incidents happen and anything you can do to change that.

Also really focus on looking after yourself - getting support, time on your own, little treats for yourself. Beating yourself up about this stuff is just putting you under more and more pressure - you really need to be kind to yourself and then it'll become easier

good luck

Was given a Kindle recently so think i will look into this being my first purchase... Thank you!

I just want her to be able to be a normal 4yr old girl and not have to worry about me too

No wonder you're like this, being a single mum to two under fives! Don't beat yourself up about it and of course your ex doesn't have the same problem, without being old enough to understand your children won't dare behave like that to the parent who has left them. You're there the majority of the time, unfortunately that means taking the good with the bad from our children.

The bad means they do push, they do the opposite of what you ask of them, sometimes i wonder how the human race ever continued they way children naturally behave sometimes.

All i can say, and my youngest is mid teens now, but my middle son is aspergers and his under five years were a nightmare so i've been there, is the best piece of advice i was ever given was to never shout, the more the child shouts you carry on speaking quietly, then they have to stop shouting to listen to what your saying quietly. You raise your voice, they raise theirs and so it carries on.

But don't blame yourself or give yourself a guilt trip over this x

She will push you more because she feels secure with you and not with him.
Defo get some support try children's centre or gp.
Can you get some extra nursery sessions?
While you are working on it make the good times extra special and remember she is grieving too and thruway you handle it now will help have less impact later on.
Fwiw my ex left me with 3 teen boys and my dd who was 8 months. I found parenting her very hard but god it's worth it. She is 11 now and we are so close and she has such lovely qualities. It will get better I promise and you are amazing just to admit it on here.

OK, I've been in your position.

First of all, of course she's not acting out with him - he's gone and somewhere deep inside she may well have figured out that if she doesn't behave she won't see him again.

When my son was young I had an awful lot going on in my head (whole other thread) and he would follow me round, nagging and nagging. I felt like I was going mad. Eventually I ended up at the doctor's and was given ADs. They made me able to be calm with him and his behaviour changed overnight, back to the lovely boy he was and clearly had wanted to be.

You can't change her behaviour as you are not her, but you can change how you respond to her and there are things you can do to help her feel safe. Read what you can and please, try to understand life from her point of view. It's very hard when you split up - hard for you and hard for her, too.

I hope everything gets better for you soon.

Thank you all - it's just so hard and very easy to blame myself! DD is lovely as well - people and children seem to enjoy her company but half an hour with me and we're at loggerheads!

Not shouting is a great idea as I think I scare her when i do it - which makes me feel even worse!

I do get time out for me (every other weekend) and everytime l, i resolve that this week, I'll be much better and kinder and more fun.. and then I'm not

You are under a lot of pressure so it's not surprising you are stressed. When my DC were driving me crazy I got angrier and angrier. My dad told me to try another approach and be really nice to them. It wasn't a miracle but changed the dynamics and my daughter's behaviour improved.

I wouldnt advise telling your H too much. She only acts out with you because she knows it's safe for her to do so. Have a chat with your doctor who can provide details of any support available locally for yourself and the DCs. A friend of mine was in Sure Start & she thought her work with families was of great benefit. Dont be too hard on yourself, you are doing a really tough job on your own. Children of that age are not easy and you are not alone in experiencing this. Look after yourself.

Judy - am going all out with 'descriptive praise' from tomorrow and i am really positive it's going to make a real difference. DD is a real people pleaser so think she'll immediately benefit. Seems obvious but like a lot of things, when you're feeling overwhelmed, you just can't see a way out!

Thank you as well ladies for talking sense... my children are the best thing I've ever done but by far the hardest so I really appreciate your kind words and letting me know it's tough for us all at times!

Great, you sound very positive. I'm sure it'll be very successful. Good luck.

You could also make yourself a star chart, rather than just promise you will be nicer and less shouty. So aim to give her/you a star each time you praise her for something good she does, with the aim being to get 10 stars a day. I find it help to ensure I really do notice and praise good behaviour.

That calm parenting book is free on I books btw

I hadn't thought about a star chart for me - DD does respond positively to them so think will restart on those too... I quite like a sticker as well and maybe i can work up to a nice takeaway when i get a night off! Good idea!

How did you get on today?

I'm in a similar situation as a lp with dc of 5yo and under 1.

First off it is hard and stressful, especially when you have a littler one so young that requires a lot of attention and well in my case, suffering from sleep deprivation also.

Your dd will push more with you - she is secure with her mum and knows you love her no matter what. It may not be about dad leaving. I have friends with kids of the age of 4/5/6 too and all say they are really pushing boundaries atm.

I'm a shouty mum too which I hate and have came to the same conclusion as you recently that things have to change. My mum was a shouty mum and I hated it and always promised I would never be like that.

Have you looked into Homestart?? I was considering contacting them myself. They can send out someone to help and support you, like look after the youngest for an hour or so while you catch up on sleep/housework/other kids or help you get into certain routines with your youngest. I know for me the reason I was considering it is because I know the constant state of the house and no time to do anything about it really irks me.

I've only started to read that book 'How to talk to kids and listen so they will talk' but have found the initial active listening to ds and naming his feelings, rather than what I think he should feel, really does work. Has helped to prevent a few meltdowns in the past week. I like the look of Judy's too and may give it a go.

Thanks Judy and Morrigu - not going as smoothly as i'd hoped and today she was with H so had a bit of a relapse... I think that listening to her as well as descriptive praise will hopefully start to help...

I hadn't really considered Homestart as i do get time to myself. I know they're stretched at the mo and i am sure there are others in my area who need them more. I do think that i might need to find someone in rl that i can properly talk to maybe..

counselling maybe?

I have a slightly different suggestion- I had a dd who pushed all my buttons at this age, and what I realised was that all the usual advice (ignore, praise) didn't work for her, she just escalated and escalated in response to this to get my attention, til she was doing really dangerous things. What worked for me was to nip any problems in the bud immediately, so if she was rude, one warning, then off to time out for 4 min. Hitting/horribleness- a warning, then off to time out. No messing. She was very stubborn in time out and used to not stay there, so was returned, supernanny style. She also had very bad tantrums, again, straight in time out for those as well. It went against everything I believed in and that the HV advised (just ignore her) but it worked very well for me, as she seemed to need those boundaries. Once she knew that I would take very calm but very firm action if she was aggressive/naughty/hurting others or whatever, she then behaved much better for months, and I could do all the praise/encouragement stuff.

Something to think about- my second didn't need this firm hand at all, and perhaps your dd doesn't, because all children respond differently. I just thought I'd throw it out there as you sound quite desperate for some order to the chaos and bad behaviour, and also to reassure you that any child can be like this, I wasn't single with two small children and she still took great delight in being challenging- some children are quite like this! She's grown up really delightfully, though, it is a phase.

Thanks mumsyblouse - i must admit i have tried the naughty step (well, naughty porch in this house) but am not good at setting a time limit... She is still being a little devil and you're right - am up for any and all advice so thank you!

she's with H tomorrow and for the night so will reassess on Friday but am happy to give anything a go, to be honest!