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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's all driving me mad and yesterday was last straw!

20 replies

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 13:16

My brother in law and his family moved away some time ago but every holiday they come back up to leeds to see my parents in law.So when we too are on holiday things are planned and my children miss out on seeing their grandparents as they are busy.On a normal week they cannot see them as they have a caravan at the coast and spend thurs-mon there and the 2 nights they are a t home have set in stone plans too.
Yesterday we went up to the house cos my hubby is good with the computer and in laws had something go wrong so asked other day if he would go up monday.We all decided to go and they knew this as my kids wanted to see their cousins.During the course of the afternoon my sis in law informs me that they feel very special and wanted when they come up and its lovely cos everyone makes a fuss and that we can see parents in law anytime-which is not true!
Then it is getting nearer tea time bearing in mind we have been there a couple of hours by this time.Mum in law comes up and says sorry i havent made any tea for you lot you will have to go home for some.At first i thought she was joking but she wasnt so i had to bundle the kids off home bearing in mind they are 11 and 9 and have by now asked why they cant stay for tea like their cousins.I am so bloody incensed by the disgregard they have for all of us we are their family too it just doesnt feel like it.
Forgive me if i sound petty but I am just cheesed off.

OP posts:

HarpsichordCarrierOnSea · 30/05/2006 13:21

it doesn't sound petty at all joanna
it sounds bloody annoying and upsetting. what does your dh think of it? I would have been a bit ticked off if someone had brought me over tp fix the computer then told me to go home for tea
rude, very rude

LadySherlockofLGJ · 30/05/2006 13:22

Piffle · 30/05/2006 13:24

Crikey my inlaws would feed the 5000 if only one turned up

that they did not offer to whip something up, even cheese on toast ffs.

Original poster

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 13:27

He just accepts that this is how it is after years of this kind of treatment.Yesterday was the first time we have seen them since boxing day as they are always busy-they only live 2 miles away.It hurts me as they make no effort with my kids and my father in law is now their only grandad.He is the same man who promised me at my dads funeral that he would do the job of both he and my dad and be the best grandad he could.When my dad died they didnt come home from the caravan to be useful and as consequence the weekend before the funeral i had to take my kids to the chapel of rest as there was no one to look after them -obviously i couldnt ask my mum or my sister and my hubby had to work.

OP posts:

HarpsichordCarrierOnSea · 30/05/2006 13:27

I am getting more annoyed for you by the minute.....
how awful for your children

Original poster

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 13:32

Dont worry i left them outside the room.Once we had an accident our car was written off and my hubby needed another to be able to work we were 100 pounds short and needed a loan for 2 days until i got paid.They wouldnt lend us they said if you cant afford it you shouldnt have it so thank god my gran was able to lend us.Then my bro in law moves house they give him the deposit(4 grand) to help him out we get the same to make us equal.We can never be equal my mum doesnt have much but she has love to go round the world 20 times over if they had that i wouldnt care.Christ i am on a roll now this is just how much it is bottled up inside me.

OP posts:

Angsthase · 30/05/2006 13:46

How rude!
Can't believe your in-laws wouldn't rustle something up - at least for their grandchildren.

My mum and MIL love having the WHOLE family there at the same time (even if the kids have to eat in shifts!)

Original poster

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 13:51

I know there is no meal on earth that cannot be padded out if need be I am sure.I am more upset for the kids.I myself am a big believer in family and always hoped once we had the kids that we would be like one big happy one.Worst is they resent my mum-but thereagain she is proactive in being a good grandparent.

OP posts:

HappyMumof2 · 30/05/2006 13:56

This is terrible!!

Do you have any idea why they are like this towards you? What's your dh's relationship like with them?

Are your kids younger than brother in laws?

Carmenere · 30/05/2006 14:05

I am outraged on your behalf. Nourishing your offspring is the most basic form of love and I would undoubtably feel that if my mil diddn't want to feed my dkids that she diddn't love them. Particularly when their cousins were there. It's just nasty and I know I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut....

Original poster

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 14:07

my kids are 9 and 11 brother in laws are 9 and 7 so all fairly close in age.

Brother in law has always been the favourite blue eyed boy who can do no wrong.I knew my dh in my circle of friends for many years before we became anything more than that so i have seen lots of evidence down the line of their treatment.I think to them it has become so second nature that they honestly dont realise the cause and effect of the way they are.
I am not saying they should completely change and devote all their time to being really good grandparents but once in a while would be good.We did once have it out with them about all this they promised to change but nothing ever has. My dh is at point now where he cares not if he sees them or not perhaps it is me wanting too much.
Dh has gone away with work for a few days and i always say to him before he goes how much we will all miss him and how we love him and it makes him smile because he had years where his mum or dad never told him.He is very concious of this and makes sure he tells the kids every day how much they are loved he says he doesnt want them growing up screwed up like he was.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 30/05/2006 14:10

Perhaps it would be best if you diddn't see your inlaws - sad but maybe better for the children not to be made feel like they are second class citizens

Original poster

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 14:18

That is the way I am now thinking they see them generally 3 times a year once each when it is near their birthday never on as they are both busy(retired so how i dont know) and once at christmas. The whole tea thing was the last straw yesterday.It made me feel sad that they will never be part of the love my kids can give.

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threelittlebabies · 30/05/2006 14:24

joanna it is really sad that your dh wasn't told he was loved, until he had his own little family with you. His parents take him for granted because he is so nearby. Have the same situation with my ILs. They are currently in N Ireland with BIL and SIL, and have been there since March helping SIL with kids because she was pg again. So she has had 2 extra pairs of hands every day for 3.5 months. Needless to say when I was pg I got NO help at all, and would not have asked for it. I think my ILs think that because we live nearer to them than BIL/SIL there isn't such a pressing need for them to spend time with ds and dd (and my poor dh, who has always secretly known he wasn't no.1 )

We have been to visit them at their caravan where they currently live (don't ask ) and not been given anything to eat, even though we have been there through lunch and dinner. We have had to change the date of our dd's christening because they have to help "poor" SIL out. I have to tartly suggest they play with their grandchildren when they visit for a whole 2 hours, rather than just stare gormlessly at whatever happens to be on the TV- actually if it is on I switch it off. I will stop now, because I could write a book, just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. Incidentally, I can't stand my ILs and would rather not see them at all, but make a super human effort to get them to spend time with us for dh and the kids' sake- it gets thrown back every time, but at least I (and you) know I have done my best.

Wow, is it the season for awful inlaws or what?! I actually feel a whole lot better for having got that off my chest, as when it comes to my ILs I always have feelings of simmering rage, which I guess is very sad.

Original poster

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 14:34

threelittlebabies thank you it helps to know I am not alone in this situation.
My hubby once told me if we ever split up(not likely) that he wouldnt go home because they would say we told you so how awful is that not only to know that he could never rely on them and worse for me to know I arent exactly their choice.
They tolerate me but I call a spade a spade and that is what they dont like.
I too have a pathtic sister in law so happen I am your parallel twin lol.

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threelittlebabies · 30/05/2006 15:03

lol joanna yes my SIL is pathetic indeed. Heard FIL on phone to dh saying "oh she's had a hard time of it" re the birth. She had a 6 hour labour, no complications! Am not even going to go into the nightmare that was my last birth, yet apparently I can cope without help!

threelittlebabies · 30/05/2006 15:05

Meant to say, I also call a spade a spade. Think dh had just come to accept the difference in the way he and his brother were treated, but I can't keep my mouth shut. We used to have rows about it, particularly his Dad's behaviour, now if an issue comes up and I say something he generally agrees, which makes me feel for him that he is so resigned to it now and doesn't bother to defend the indefensible.

Original poster

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 15:16

Been there heard the pathetic birth story.It wouldnt be so bad if the whole additional stuff was apppreciated by bil and his lot they quite expect it.In the 40 odd years my in laws have been married mil hasnt cooked dinner at xmas 3 times cos she was at my house.She went to sil one xmas sil got a migraine so mil made the dinner-like i could have put money on that.

OP posts:

threelittlebabies · 30/05/2006 15:26

Oh, now I wish my ILs would go to SIL's house for xmas, please god let it be this year! They don't lift a bloody finger when they are here. I was cooking f-ing lasagne for them on Christmas Eve, like I didn't have anything better to do!

Hoopoe · 30/05/2006 16:31

Wow - I think that's pretty mean! I can't see my MIL treating us like that! Don't know what I would do except probably not make any effort with them anymore. How despicable to not make half your family feel welcome while giving the other half a luscious meal. Totally bizarre.

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