Hubby says he's going

[Bobette1]

So hubby has today lost his rag and says he's leaving. Says I need to look for a new house and tell him how much I want a month from him. He's looking for a new house. He's calling me and and the kids "you f@@@ers". He's totally uninterested in them today and says he will cut them off, he's had enough.
This has been brewing, but I thought I was doing ok at keeping things on track. I think the basic issue is he cant handle the constant demands of three kids (aged 5 and under). :(. I also went out Friday night for the first time in months. I'm sure he thinks I'm up to no good (which I'm certainly not, can't think of anything worse). I've lost baby weight recently and have bought much needed new clothes. I've done it for me and him. Not sure he believes me!!!!
He does work v hard for us (out many hrs each day and takes on all pressure of income). he wants down time. Thinks there is no respect for him in the house. My view is I don't actually stand up to him enough and am wary of suggesting days out/seeing friends etc as he will always say no, although its v dependent on his mood. One of the kids is v demanding, anther doesn't sleep brilliantly, the other is quietly starting to challenge us. Strangely enough I get no down time either.
Not really sure what I want from this post. I can get stiff upper lip and get on with the stuff between us (as much as i dont want to and despite the lost plans, hopes etc), but cutting the kids off?? Seriously....
I guess the first question is how do I retrieve this????? I fear once his mind up, that is it.

Being stressed/knackered/beleaguered might all be factors. But they are not excuses for the basic want of kindness that he is displaying. Even when someone is having the most relentless stress outside the home, they can still be friendly - a smile and a cuddle, a pleasant way of speaking and a bit of appreciation of the one who is doing the heavy lifting at home are all totally achievable even if exhausted. As is explaining the external stressors, how long they are likely to last, and talking about how to get through it all together.

A bit different from what the OP describes?

There are plenty of men out there who work hard for their family and still manage to be good husbands and fathers...

Take back some control and tell him to sod off.

Hang on, I'm sure a lot of us are in the same boat as him, in that we work long hours and are "stressed" in one way or another. My dp is sahd and I work an hour's commute from home in a demanding job. Yet I don't come home and refer to my 2 dc in that way, or my dp for that matter.

I do a lot of the housework too, we try to share it, and childcare as well, when I'm there. So this magic word "stress" can be a red herring.

Has he actually thought about this at all? Does he want any contact with the children or is he intending to cut you all out just like that (in which case he only needs a 1 bed flat doesn't he). If he does want contact he will end up having to do far more - actually spend some time looking after all three on his own, without you picking up the pieces and helping.

He can't cut them off financially as he has a legal obligation to provide for them. If he cuts them off emotionally i.e. doesn't see them any more, I can't help thinking that would be far better for them than being called "you f@@@ers" and having a dad around who has no interest in them.

Sorry, he sounds like an arse and I'd be helping him pack his bags in case he changes his mind about leaving.

Working hard for you does not excuse his behaviour and he gets no respect because he gives you none and under 5s aren't capable of respect, only love, which this arsehole does not deserve.

I echo JaceeBee's post

"It's not that bad being a single parent, really it's not. It a lot easier and more enjoyable than having to tread on eggshells making sure the kids 'don't disturb daddy' and trying to pacify him like an overgrown toddler.

You and your dcs will be much happier without him."

As peppermint I am a working mum, now a single mum too, and for several years ex was a SAHD. The type of work I do requires occasional overtime, and work at home sometimes.
There is no way I'd ever say anything remotely like this about my DS, or even to twat husband. And he was a knob.

And what Donut said.

Do you think he might be depressed? Has he always been like this? Depression / anxiety / stress often go hand in hand. You splitting up might be the only way he sees out of this. When I was depressed I used to imagine being in an accident and in hospital. It was the only way I could see of not having to deal with my situation any longer, but it didn't mean that I would have hurt myself.

DH used to get really angry at me being in a bad mood with him at the weekends. But I wasn't even thinking about him as I was too down.

Anyway not excusing his behaviour but if that is the case he might need some help and support to get through this. It sounds like some help and support would also benefit you. Is there anyone who can help you out?

"So stress is a big issue"

In our house we have a bit of a saying which boils down to .... doesn't matter how bad a day you've had, it's not acceptable to take it out on your family. Stress is an issue for him to recognise and resolve himself. If he needs a GP, he should book an appointment with a GP. If he needs relaxation techniques, he finds relaxation techniques. Stress does not give him the right to make everyone else's life unpleasant.

A lot of people are under immense pressure and stress, but do not call their children you fu@@@ers, ignore them and want to cut them off.

In the short term I think he needs to leave and get himself some help, because this is totally unacceptable and very damaging for your children.

Lesmis nope I was just suggesting an alternative view ( don't read the mail btw n was brought up in a house where my mum worked)

In no way does any of that excuse his behaviour but we all deal with stress etc very differently and what's clear is that they need to sit down n talk properly

Speaking from experience its no bed of roses being a single parent, but compared to the last few months of my marriage living with a man who became an angry nasty stranger and i'm still worrying meself silly about the future, on a day to day basis i'm as peaceful as i can be.

If you've been the main carer for the children it won't be too much different for you him not being there.

I wouldn't dive in and mention solicitors, by all means see one for a free session and find out your rights, but a cheaper alternative is mediation. It didn't work in my case, my ex backed out once he realised he wouldn't get his own way and pay just a small amount of maintenance, but if it does it will save loads of money. Legal aid isn't available in most divorce cases now.

With 3 kids under five you might be better off just going down the CSA route anyway, it makes sure you get the money and can rely on it. Unfortunately in my case the mortgage on the family home is more then the CSA can make my ex pay for one child under 18.

Sending you hugs, its not a nice situation to be in, not one i'd wish on anyone least of all young kids. x