What does it mean to care about some one and how much do we ever really?

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Dc's I care about, the slighted little thing can have me worried sick without any ulterior motive. I am thrilled for them for every little achievement

There are other people I care about, DH, parents, old friends but it has occurred to me recently, that actually my concern is more often for myself

e.g. my Dad hasn't been well and I'm very worried. I am concerned about how it's affecting him, but my primary concerns are about how DC's would cope if the worst happened, how much I'd miss him and how my mum just wouldn't cope, which would have a huge impact on me.

Same if DH is late home (rare) I'll worry about him, but it's more about how on earth I'd cope if something awful has happened. If he gets promoted I'm far more interested in how it affects the family (more money great, more hours less so) than I am pleased for his personal achievement.

Is this normal, or am I a truly terrible person?

Normal. :) You can sympathise with someone else's tragedies and triumphs but I think it's pretty normal to distil it back to 'how does this affect me?' Remember having a conversation once with someone about whether genuine altruism existed. They were making a big song and dance about how much they'd sobbed over some natural disaster on the TV and made a big donation to the relief fund. They claimed to be acting purely altruistically but, to me, they seemed to be motivated by getting the approval of others.

Wouldn't worry too much.

I think altruism is more unusual than self-interest, but I do think it exists and it fits in with my experience of what it is truly to love someone.

A few times in our marriage, we've encouraged eachother to pursue dreams that are going to create sometimes significant problems for the other one and where there have been no benefits for anyone but the person taking the opportunity. That's a kind of selfless love that is also underpinned by enormous trust.

In my closest circle of friends too, we've all supported eachother to pursue interests that have occasionally shaken up established routines and arrangements and which have even cost eachother money (breaking up businesses, ending paid childcare arrangements) but our love for eachother as friends has transcended selfish thoughts.

Sounds normal to me :) As long as you're thinking about your family and friends (which you are) then you are not a terrible person at all! Some people very obviously don't give their loved ones a second thought from one day to the next, forget birthdays, never get in contact, clearly know nothing about their family members' or their friends' lives. They're the selfish ones!

badinage I know what you mean to an extent, and DH and I encourage each other to pursue dreams that aren't necessarily ideal for other members of the family, but if I really think about it, for me it is motivated by wanting a happy, fulfilled husband who will therefore be able to be a better husband to me and more fun to be around. Obviously I love him and love to see him happy, but that's not my only motivation.

Yes! Keztrel that's it.

A few year's ago DH completely changed his job and working patterns, which I supported him in even though financially we were significantly worseoff, but I did it because it made him happier and therefore nicer to be around and gave him more time with the family. I am glad he's happier, but I'm also pleased family life has improved.

I also think it's totally natural to worry more about how it would affect you if someone dies, because they're not going to know anything about it, being dead (that's what I believe, anyway) whereas you are going to miss them horribly.

my range of care is different from person to person and it usually depends on who I perceive can look after themselves and who can't. Children and animals I "care" a great deal about and think about all the time. DH because he can look after himself, I have less frequent feelings of care for him - but am still in love with him, still admire and respect him. If DH became helpless in some way I would care for him.
As my parents get older, I have started caring for them more as they appear more helpless.

I think my sense of responsibility defines my care.

Sometimes opportunities taken haven't resulted in us being 'happy and fulfilled' though! I can think of a couple of times when we've both bitten off more than we could chew and speaking for myself mainly, far from being a happy person to be around basking in all that fulfilment, I've been hell to live with and and an absolute arse at times . I think that's the plain truth about the occasional costs of letting people follow their dreams, so it's especially altruistic if despite all that, a partner is still encouraging and wanting you to reach your potential, even if he knows suspects life's going to get tricky and difficult and it's going to mean a lot more on his plate.

That's what I think is altruism. When one of us has taken a better job or even downshifted, there's been an obvious pay-off for the other, so I was thinking of times when there hasn't been self-interest involved and yet there has still been encouragement and endless support.

Good thread OP. I find I can't keep all my friends and family in mind to worry about them when I am busy. I sometimes forget a birthday too. But I don't think I am just selfish. I am preoccupied by things and people close to home.

Good point bad and it must be altruistic to wish your children get a job they want at the other end of the country when it means you won't see them but they will be fulfilled and achieving their dreams.

I don't think that's entirely altruistic though Lemon, because it makes you happy to know that your child is happy and fulfilled, even if you see them less.

Even if the outcome appears altruistic, very few people don't run the plan through the 'how will this affect me?' test first. If they decide that the impact of the change is difficult but tolerable then they go ahead with it. If it's something completely intolerable they'd have to be stupid to agree.

Agreed Cogito. Although some people do make decisions for the good of others that are massively detrimental to their own lives and happiness. But they still have the inner satisfaction of having 'done the right thing'. Often in extreme cases like that, if they hadn't chosen to do the right thing, their lives might be easier or happier, but ultimately ruined by feeling bad that they'd acted selfishly.

Anyway OP, I do think some people are naturally better at thinking of and caring for others. I'm pretty sure my DH spends far more time thinking about others than I do (my head is in the clouds most of the time) - but he loves people and gets satisfaction from making them happy, so it's easy for him!

Friends did this very debate. Phoebe and Ross got to loggerheads over it, iirc.