DM, technology and blame

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

We (DH, DCs and I) spent yesterday doing some work for DM. DS took the opportunity to install an updated version of software on DM's computer.

All fine when we left.

This afternoon DM arrives at our door with said computer saying that DS has 'done something to it and now it doesnt work'. I take it, switch it off, switch it back on again and lo it works.

There is and was nothing wrong with the computer. DM is suspicious about technology and will have looked for a fault. She will have panicked, stabbed randomly at buttons and then been surprised when it got itself into a loop and stopped responding.

This was only the latest example. If any of us do anything technical for her then afterwards all faults will be laid at our door:

• DH moved the television for her, left it working. The following day we get a panicky phone call that DH's work has somehow mysteriously caused a fault in the TV (she had unplugged the aerial for some reason)

• DH installed a socket for her (he is qualified) which now mysteriously will not work for her hoover but works for everything else.

• DH did some work on her fusebox which caused only the fridge to stop working, all other appliances functioning as normal.

It is the blaming which frustrates as well as the denial that she might have taken whatever apart with a hammer pressed a couple of buttons.

Sorry for the rant, DB has given up helping her because of this so now it falls to DH and me.

Point out that as you are all obviously incompetent and unqualified she should pay a professional to do the job..

Problems with getting her to pay for someone else to do these things are that she cant really afford it and she is easily persuaded to have more work done/buy the upgrade/whatever.

That's her own lookout, though, isn't it? She doesn't want to be helped if she's behaving like that. Maybe she could pay for help and one of you could be there throughout, to make sure she doesn't go for more work than she needs?

You are right in that she doesnt want to be helped except on her terms.

She does want us to do these things for her. She had a lovely day yesterday. We did a major tidying and sorting job for her which she wanted done. We also took her out for lunch, took her shopping.

She is elderly, alone and lonely so I think the fault finding is her way of extending the treat as we go back or she comes to us as today. It also allows her to keep things on her terms.

I dont want to hurt her by refusing to help. I just wish she would be a bit less ungrateful and stop hurting DH's feelings with this blaming.

Is there a way of challenging this behaviour without her getting upset?

DON'T get me started on this one. Despite living miles away I appear to be my parents' IT Support. Despite trying to set it up so it's fool-proof, every night I was getting complaints that various websites are mysteriously 'blocked', e-mails won't open and so on. Most of the problems turn out to be forgotten passwords, fat fingers and not reading things properly but no... it's obviously me 'fiddling with the settings'. My eyes are in permanent roll-mode....

It is difficult, I do sympathise. My mother is very good on this front, due to still-vivid memories of her own mother having been REALLY terrible - years of attempts for her to have a radio, which she really might have enjoyed if we could ever have got her to leave it alone and stop detuning it. Having said that, really it might have been that she was hallucinating/ confused.

I think there's only one thing you can work on here, and that's the blaming. Flatly refuse to engage if she's going to blame you/your dh. Tell her specifically that if she says she's got a problem and needs more help, you will be very happy to help out.

That made me laugh Cogito. The programs which 'suddenly appeared' which are blamed on some installation done for her a month ago rather than the free software she clicked on to download this morning.

DM's main problem seems to be impatience, stabbing at buttons when she doesnt get an instant response. This is then combined with denial that she did anything at all.

That is a good thought Joan. I am not sure if she really recognises that the blaming is upsetting. She lives alone so will sometimes say out load things without thinking that they might be hurtful.

Yes, it can sometimes help I think to say out loud how much stupider and slower computers are than humans, we have to humour them and give them time, rather like a slow dog!

I have nothing constructive to add except that my DH has exactly the same problem with FIL and exactly the same levels of exasperation. And FIL will not stop buying gadgets he doesn't really need or understand. I feel your pain.

Shit you are describing me My DBro came over today and spent the day fixing all my IT niggles.

She is an old lady, give her a hug and pour a gin for both of you.

Cogito - going a little away from the thread here - but I have the same issues with my DM & technology (are you my DSis?!) and as I live 120 miles away I use logmein - it's free and I can ask DM to show me what she's doing and watch on my screen and work out what she's doing wrong...

I think, irritating as this must be, that it's probably something you're just going to have to live with.

She's your Mum, you love her, she's getting old, she's afraid of things she doesn't understand and that makes her feel vulnerable.

I think the response should probably involve gentle laughter.

Oh and kick your brother's arse for leaving it all to you.

You can't leave a vulnerable ageing woman to deal alone with tradespeople when you know she is susceptible to being ripped off.

This is her annoying getting old thing. We'll all have one.

No fair for him to bail out of dealing with it.

Do you find that works NightmareWalking? The problem I find with my DM is that if she doesnt get the instant response she was expecting then she stabs at buttons randomly. The device gets into a loop and stops responding. The solution is to turn it off and turn it back on again. Invariably she will claim to have done this already several times to no effect but magically it works when DH or I do it.

It is a relief to know that I am not alone in this. DH and I have resolved to be firmer with her about the blaming. She has managed to alienate DB and cant afford to alienate DH as well especially given how much he does do for her.

I too think you have to be resigned to it. Could be early stage of dementia and you'll need all your patience if that's the case.

Fair points AThingInYourLife though I dont blame DB for keeping away for a while. He has done an awful lot for DM over the years. Doesnt help that DM isnt very good at saying thank you.

WorrySigh, my DM is exactly the same, and so was my DGrandma. It'll be my turn next.

When it 'stops working' you have to visit to make it work again?

OK, well fair enough if your brother needs a breather.

Good luck :)

I used to teach people who couldn't use computers how to do basic tasks.

Turning it off and back on again involves more skill than you would imagine. :o

When a person feels beaten by a machine they can't ever deal with it confidently.

The thing I found worked best for increasing confidence was never accepting "I'm stupid, I can't do this" and always focusing on the fact that not knowing how to do something yet has nothing to do with how capable you are.

I suspect with your mum that she doesn't want to learn. It sounds like she enjoys getting you all to help her too much :)

It's a harmless enough manipulation.

@Nightmare... I use 'Teamviewer' for the same purpose. :) Although it took me months to convince DM that, once it was installed, only I would be able to access her PC with her permission and it wasn't a dastardly plot to leave her bank account open to robbers of all nations....

I think there is a lot of truth in the suggestions that she uses the 'you've broken it' suggestion to get someone to call round and 'mend' it (plug it back in and turn it on properly).

If only she would just ask for help then I think we would all feel a lot happier about helping. The sideways ways she goes about it rankles.

I find DPiL much easier to deal with (is that a MN first?). They ask for the help they want and say thank you after.

Thanks everyone for the sympathy and also the practical suggestions which DH and I will try to put into practice

OP, Logmein works for us as DM's response to things going wrong with technology is to be scared to touch them at all, so I can use the laser pointer function to walk her through the same steps. We are responsible as we bought DM the laptop to start with so if things go wrong, it must be our fault, right?!

I can see why the way your DM is going about it rankles tbh but I don't know how you get her to stop.

Thank you NightmareWalking, I will keep it in mind.