How to deal with ex that won't communicate ?

[Paftdunk]

Stbxh just won't communicate with me,we need to talk because we have shared residency of our child and obviously,we should be showing a united front but he won't even acknowledge my existence at handovers-completely blanks me and 11yr old son is privy to this and it's wearing me down plus its not healthy for son to witness.At all.
He's bad mouthed me,sworn at me in front of son,not replied to texts or picked up phone.tried alienating me from my son which got so bad that I instructed a solicitor and have been to court so that cannot ever happen again.Hes been told by courts that he needs to communicate but I can't see it happening soon.
I'm so so so tired of being the 'better' parent and ignoring it all,we are a year down the line now and he seems to ramping up this ignorant behaviour.How do you deal with this? I could cry with it all,it's so damaging to son.

(I left him btw due to financial abuse and being bitterly unhappy so he is very very angry with the fact I had the nerve to leave)

Difficult. Is there a 3rd party who could handle arrangements, including handovers?

Second that. If it has been a year and he is still doing this, don't think it is going to change anytime soon. Therefore best approach would be to get a third party to deal with handovers so your son is sheilded from this at least to some extent.

If he won't acknowledge messages about other issues, again I don't think there is much you can do other than inform him about things he needs to know about. If you need an answer, be clear that you want it and give a time for a response. Say if you don't hear from him, you will have no choice but to assume X or Y.

Sorry, it is very hard but there is nothing courts, mediators, counsellors etc can do to make someone be different. They have to recognise they need to be different and make the change themselves.

I still can't bear to make 'nicey nicey' with my ex even after 5 years, but I am able to deal with issues via email. This does sound quite extreme and presumably is more indicative of his character than any lingering upset over separation. And if so, afraid you are probably stuck with it.

Thanks for replying Clam.

No,sadly we don't have family (mine are toxic anyway) here that could help ease this awfulness.

I'm really stuck waiting for him to grow the hell up and be a decent person.

Yes spero completely agree -its him.He was/is a control freak and I think narcissistic,it's all about HIM and using our son in his pathetic mind games.

He can't accept that this behaviour is damaging

Please don't get stuck waiting.

Its a mugs game. For YEARS I kept thinking that surely today was the day that my ex would wake up and see what he was doing and change, etc, etc, etc.

He won't change. He is who he is. And I have to deal with the reality of that, rather than wishing and hoping he will be different, even though he is hurting his own child. He really, genuinely can't see it and unless and until he gets some insight/many years of therapy, this is the way it will be.

I know it is hard when you see how your child is hurting and how easy it would be for him to do the right thing.

But I honestly don't think these people ever change. Because they don't see any need to. In their world, they are acting reasonably, YOU are the mad/irrational/unpleasant one.

It sounds awful, but if your son is eleven now things should start getting easier and most communication can go through him (obviously day to day stuff nothing that might upset him)

It he doesn't want to communicate you can't make him, and really it shouldn't be that often that you need to. If he misses out on things because of it then that's his own fault

Unfortunately there is no way of making an abusive, unreasonable man into a decent person or a decent parent: all you can do is cut him off as much as possible and treat him as an irrelevance. If there is information you need to pass on to him, email him with it and, if necessary, tell him that if he hasn't replied within a certain time limit then XYZ will happen anyway whether he likes it or not.

nods in complete agreement

I guess it's more waiting for my son to see his father for what he is.

He's already picked up on the bad mouthing and some of his fathers negative dismissive attitude towards mine and his relationship (no interest in what lovely things or times we have which upsets son as he wants to be able to share these with his dad)

I'd quite like him to drop off the planet ...evil thinking I know but it's soo fucking tiring putting up with the continued abuse.

Gah!

Your son is fast approaching the age when he will make his own decisions about contact and if his father continues like this, I wouldn't be surprised if he decides to see a lot less of him or even nothing at all.

All you can do is support and love your son and talk as honestly as you can about what is going on, without bad mouthing his father or trying to encourage your son to think less of him. Sounds as if the father will do a good job of that on his own.

Yes,I've gone by the 'book' all throughout the separation-I'm not bad mouthing or discouraging their relationship but have said that's its not nice of his father to say nasty comments (ex told son that I'm treating like a baby because we have cuddles and I soothe him if he's having a tough time with dealing with split )

I just have to get to the stage of indifference and not allow this man to make me (quietly) fume.

I think I'm bloody cross at myself for not waking up to his abuse years ago.

Thanks for the supportive words.

It's not bad-mouthing a person to tell the truth about them. If he's behaving badly all the time and you say nothing, stay unnaturally calm and plaster on a fake smile your DS is going to be utterly confused. So saying it wasn't nice of his Dad to behave the way he did is absolutely the right thing. And if something makes you angry or upset, don't think you have to hide it.

Cog-if I let my anger out about dickhead ex's behaviour over the last year,I might get arrested .

It's all a bit much today.I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.

Stress is a understatement

He is very twisted Viking,very warped individual.

I don't get the bad mouthing as my parents split up and were always on friendly terms (even though my mother is toxic...another bloody story) never heard them slagging each other off.

Will suggest the handover happens not at my door (he can park by garden).Son desperately wants us to be 'friends' and I've explain that dad isn't wanting too because he's still upset over divorce

Thanks for your suggestions ,it's hard to see a easy way when you are stuck in the middle of this chaos.