Can I sort this out?

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

Not sure if this is going to resonate with anyone, but perhaps someone will have some advice on how I can tackle my situation.

Briefly, I'm divorced. Have two kids (6 and 4) and shared residence with their father.

I have no contact with my parents (very long backstory - abusive parents culminating in abuse of my daughter in public, a visit from the police and me cutting all contact).

I am in a relationship with a man (divorced, older kids). He's lovely and we have a good time when we are together.

I love my kids utterly and completely. But I don't love anyone else. I don't even trust anyone else. Can I get over that? I have had periods in the past (when I first met exh and when I met my now boyfriend) where I thought I was in love. But it never lasts very long. I end up withdrawing - removing my trust and my love and pushing them away.

I read about people and their loved ones. I don't even have a next of kin!

I've had tonnes of counselling. I know how the abuse from my parents affected me growing up and still affects me now. But how do I get past this so that I can truly love, be loved and be content?

Blimey. Ok, no expert by any stretch. All I can say (and believe me I know easier said than done). With anyone you want to be close to, take baby steps, ask them to be patient, if you share something expect them to share back, try and be open about how you feel now. Hopefully the ones that are worth it will be happy to try xx

Might i point you in the direction of the "But we took you to stately homes" threads - for those who have had abusive parents or just toxic parents.

Your new man sounds lovely - you know what, you don't have to be "in love with him" to have a nice time together and quite frankly, when we have been through so much it is probably more sensible to listen to the "nice time" feelings thn the feelings of all consuming passion and lust. Just take things one step at a time, enjoy the time that you spend together and see what happens.

Sorry i dont have more advice, there will be those along who can offer perspective.

Your next of kin is your DD, it sounds like you stood up to your parents on her behalf - she loves you x

Thanks Imnota. I have a lovely boyfriend who is kind, patient, understanding etc etc. But I even push him away. He knows the whole backstory and was around when the whole situation with my parents unfolded - he was there when the policeman came to my house. So he is well aware of everything, and I couldn't ask for a more understanding, faithful, loving boyfriend.

Why can't I just love him and be happy?

It's like I have to push everyone away when there's the slightest thing that sets my alarm bells ringing.

Can your next of kin be your kids who are only 6 or 4?

I had to put an emergency contact on a form for a race the other day and also when I went on a school trip and I didn't have a clue who to put. My boyfriend lives 250 miles away so no point putting him down!

I'm not waily waily about not having friends. I have plenty of people I know and like. I have some good friends whom I see regularly. I invest in these relationships because they are positive - usually good for my kids and me. These people make me feel good and I know these people also enjoy spending time with me and my friends. So that is all good stuff. I do get anxious that they are going to let me down constantly, but it's manageable.

But it's the intimacy thing and the loving someone I can't do. I just push them away.

I really struggled on that question on a form at the hospital, too.

Sorry, I know that's not your question, but I think it makes for difficult moments for many people.

Do you have a sibling or a good friend you trust to be NoK?

I don't have a sibling. I do have a good friend. She is named in my will as the person I want to have my kids if my ex is dead and then I die. Can you just ask someone to be NoK?

I would say she is your NoK, then, OP.

I agree with Imperial, NoK doesn't have to be a blood relative.

"But how do I get past this so that I can truly love, be loved and be content?"

Without wishing to sound too 'woo' I think love starts from a base of confidence, strength and self-esteem. To love someone else is a risky business. It always involves making yourself vulnerable to being hurt or rejected and, if you're not confident, resilient and are really happy in your skin, if you think you are unworthy or if you can't cope with the fear of rejection, you'll go on the attack, put up obstacles or set out to 'test' partners by behaving obnoxiously as a way to protect yourself.

It's very self-aware to realise that you are pushing people away. If you can do that, you can consciously change your behaviour and reactions. However, never switch off your early warning system 'alarm bells' ... just do what you can to reduce the sensitivity & volume a little.

Good luck

"put up obstacles or set out to 'test' partners by behaving obnoxiously as a way to protect yourself" - yes, that's what I do, I think.

So how do I change my behaviour and reactions so I'm less flighty? Is it more counselling I need or can I read a book?