extroverts with introvert partners - any advice for me?

[iliketea]

I need coping strategies (not sure if that's even the right words) to help me improve my marriage.

I'm very much an extrovert, dh is the complete opposite and would happily not bother with chitchat/ social conversation. He will talk if I start the conversation, but rarely chats just for chattings sake iyswim.

Unfortunately, I'm the complete opposite, and feel energised by social interaction. We've been together for 18 years, married for nearly 14, with (only) dc now nearly 4. Before (planned and very much wanted) dd came along, our relationship worked because I arranged lots of social.gatherings and dh came along. Since having dd, I'm still struggling to adjust to the changes in our life - change / reduction in my friendship group; change in ability to see friends as often etc. I see friends now on my own, maybe twice a month (dh stays at home with dd as we have no family / babysitters nearby). I work part time, but there is rarely the opportunity for social conversation due to workload and so I find myself more and more reliant (? not sure if that's even the right word really) on dh for conversation.

The problem is that he is the total opposite and would gladly have minimal talking (he'll happily keep me company while I chatter, just not great at responding).

As a result, I have noticed that I'm spending more time going out to see friends (now more like weekly rather than twice a month) or talking on the phone to a friend, and leaving dh home alone with sleeping dd in the evening.

I'm anxious that this will start being detrimental to my marriage. I don't want to change DH - he's a great dad, we've gone through the usual ups and downs of a typical marriage; But I need to learn ways to manage our different personalities, as at times I feel like my energy is sucked out the minute I walk in the front door and I feel more lonely by the day.

So wise mumsnetters, any ideas how I can "reduce" my extroverted nature / become happier with less social interaction? Has anyone got experience they can.share to help me with this?

(Sorry, realised that this was a bit long - thanks for getting this far)

Urgh no advice, I'm in a similar situation only my several dc are older and we seem to have no family friends and nothing in common anymore

That's exactly it random - we are far away from both our families and have no family friends. Before dd was born, dh would just come along on nights out, but now we do virtually no social gatherings together.

I'm the other way round - an introvert, although DP is an introvert too. Honestly, he's probably really happy for you to go out lots and leave him in peace for the evening, as that is his alone time that he needs to recharge his batteries like you need to go out. He might want the chance to head out of the house to read in a cafe from time to time, too.

Talk to him honestly about it. Spend your time together doing things you both enjoy, and don't feel bad about your need or company or his need for solitude. They are both fine, and neither of you should need to stop being who you are, just find ways for both of you to get what you need. with more nights out, you will probably happy to spend some time sitting next to him on the sofa while you watch TV or read. With enough alone time, he will probably have the enegy to chat to you a bit more.

I dont think you can reduce your extrovert nature.

I dont think what you are doing at the moment is or will be detrimental to your marriage. Especially if your dh is totally happy with it, which I suspect he is.

The main thing I can think of is changing jobs in some way.
Drastic, but may be well worth doing.
If you have loads of social interaction during the day, this may go some way to helping.

Other thing I can think of, is carrying on or resuming having people to your house.

What random said :( (although I'm hardly an extrovert)

Hopefully someone will be along with some advice in a minute!

I also find that since having children, the children take up ALL my spare social energy, as I can't put them off. So the energy that I used to save up for meeting up with friends is pretty much gone, as family comes first.

Is there a reason why managing your different social interaction needs by you going out more, chatting on the phone more, generally using other people for your chit chat needs would cause problems in your marriage?

It seems he hasn't changed except before he used to accompany you on your social excursions and now he has the baby as an excuse to stay home. does he object to you going out or chatting away on the phone?

In many families the dad goes out socially once, twice, three times a week while the mum only goes out occasionally, and in some of those relationships it is a happy enough arrangement. (though by no means all!)

If you are happy in other areas of your marriage then does it need to be a problem?

Have you spoke to DH about your worries?

Does he think you meeting friends is detrimental to your marriage?

DP and I are similar. I have tons of friends, an active social life and known as 'the gobby one' DP is quiet, dislikes chit chat & new people (loyal to his old friends) and enjoys his own company. We are aware if our differences; we love spending time together and like spending time apart. So, it's not a bad thing iyswim, that I go out or that he likes time alone. It's certainly a balance - we like to just chill with each other and do talk about our hopes/dreams/fears - but I can lean on others if I want to talk more if that makes sense.

DP knows I'm sociable and I must do his head sometimes with the amount of crap I talk about. It's like an unwritten rule in our relationship that he gets a night off from me

As for time spent together maybe you could work in some weekends away where you drive to his or your family, drop your DC off then go off an do something together. Country walks? Pick up one of those groupon type special offers to go indoor skydiving or whatever?

We are polar opposites - Dh is outgoing and gregarious, personally I wish other people would drop off the face of the earth and stop bloody annoying me. I am not a socialiser by design.

We get along fine - I pack him off out with his mates and relish the sound of silence.

My idea of hell on earth is these parties etc you have to go to - and we are approaching significant birthdays they are increasing all the time. I do it, I'm a consummate professional at working a room.

However that is not reflective of our relationship indoors - we are both open, chatty, tactile rampant - I just choose to avoid other people cluttering up my life.

Thanks for all the replies. I have talked to DH about it and always check that he's ok with me going out (not for permission, just checking he hasn't made any other plans). I guess part of the issue is that I worry about spending less time with him, that dd will grow up, leave home and dh and I will have nothing in common keeping us together (have seen this happen with family friend of parents generation).

I can see that I'm projecting how I feel about social interaction on to him. I will try making sure that we do some activity as a family, out the the house every couple of weeks (we ate very much in the housework / shopping / laundry weekend rut combined with doing stuff for dd at the weekend rather than planning specifi things to do as a family). At least then I will feel we are spending some time together .

Poor DH - dd seems to have taken after me and asks to go to nursery so she has "lots if friends to play with" even on days she doesn't go. Maybe I need to suggest to him that he finds coping strategies to live with 2 extroverts in the house!

I'm not sure if you're husband doesn't chat because he's an introvert - it sounds to me like he either just has very few social skills or he is just not very interested in other people.

I am an introvert and I am VERY interested in the lives of my nearest and dearest and even on the odd occasion I'm not, I still make an effort to feign interest because that's part of showing someone that you care about them as a person and have an interest in their life.

I'm not sure I can really suggest anything help-wise though. I have never managed to make a relationship with that kind of man work before although I have tried incredibly hard. You say "I feel like my energy is sucked out the minute I walk in the front door and I feel more lonely by the day" and I have felt all of these things with ex-boyfriends.

Have you told your DH that his behaviour hurts you? That you feel lonely and that you are worried about your marriage and how to make it work? He could maybe do with learning some relationship skills, maybe someone could recommend a good book?