Can I make this marriage work?

[Confuseddd]

Another day, another row. We argue on a weekly basis, and I shout and yell with frustration every time.

We've been married 6 years - 2 DVD aged 5 and 3. We were both with other people when we met. I split up with my then boyfriend fairly quickly. For my now DH, it was months. He was passive about it.

Now, we all need support here and there. I get very nervous in new social situations. It helps to know someone has my back. I can go to parties etc on my own, but usually prefer to go with DH or a friend. It seems that every time I 'need' DH emotionally, he becomes totally passive and backs out on me. It seems that when I feel vulnerable, he leaves me to founder. It's very painful.

I'm on the verge of disengaging completely. We haven't had a proper sex life for years because I cannot trust him not to let me down.

I'm almost ready to throw in the towel. It is always me that reconciles after an argument and I think one day soon I just won't bother and that will be the end. It's devastating to think he would never bother to fight for me or his family.

I'd value any constructive comments.

Thanks for wading through this btw.

Can I ask how his previous relationship ended if he demonstrated similar levels of passivity there? Did he basically wait to get found out so that she forced the issue?

When you argue, is it only you yelling? In other words, are you frustrated by his lack of engagement? (And then as a result of being the one to lose your temper feel you must be the one who makes up).

He doesn't seem to do anything much to nurture you. Is there really a lot of point to your relationship with him, beyond the fact you have two children together?

'...he would never bother to fight for me or his family'.

You mean he takes you for granted. From what you say, he never fought for you in the first place... or the person he was with before you either. Seems to either follow along or casually does his own thing, never really committing to anyone or anything.... not even bothered enough to apologise if there's a disagreement. If you're the nervous type I suppose it was easy to mistake this 'lump of lard' act for solidarity and reliability. Is he enthusiastic about anything at all in life?

It sounds like he's always been like this - passive - and perhaps before you were willing to overlook it, but now it's become a big bone of contention. If you meet someone and they're an adult, then their character is basically fixed (I believe, anyway). We all have our good and bad points, but when selecting a life partner you have to be honest with yourself and what you want, need and can tolerate. In all honesty, it sounds like you weren't too focused on this when you got together and it's only recently dawned on you that you can't live with how your partner is.

No sex life is a red flag. Many couples go through bad patches, droughts, particularly during/immediately after having DC, but if you don't actually WANT to have sex, as opposed to just being too stressed or knackered or whatever, and he's not giving you the other things you need in a relationship, it doesn't sound like you're all that compatible. So how do you feel breaking up?

I don't mean this to sound harsh but have you considered seeking therapy for your social anxiety? You shouldn't have to rely on dh to hold your hand all the time, what if you split up or god forbid something bad happened to him?

You would be much better off working on your own independence and self sufficiency, then you might find the issues in the relationship either resolve themselves or you've outgrown it.

Good advice Jacey

He takes the route of least resistance was he married before why are social occasions such an issue if you dont like it don't do it im not sdre what he is doing wrong

Thanks everybody. Tribpot, he did tell his ex eventually, but I was putting the pressure on. He's never really made me feel wanted, although he says he loves me and is contented. He does encourage me to fulfil myself (gives me time for hobbies etc) and really pulls his weight at work and home.

Cogito ergo, that is a fair picture of him - he is not that committed, but is happy enough. He is enthusiastic about all sorts of things but he it's like he opts out when it comes to disagreements. I work myself up into a fury just to get him to notice there is something wrong. It is exhausting.

Juneau, I do question if we are compatible enough. There is chemistry, and domestically we're a good team, but We don't get along brilliantly. I've been a bit of an idiot marrying him I think. Is there any basis for learning to get along better as on't want to break up our family.

Jaycee, I might get some counselling as it is an issue. That is something I can at least do that would help me and might have a good knock on effect one way or another. I read a lot of self help books but never really manage to do all the exercises they recommend so nothing improves.

Lem, fair comment, but this party tonight is a couples thing at house of new friends. We agreed to go together, then he told me last night he won't be there until late, so I have to go alone. I can't very well cancel. He often does this and I'm left to manage. If I'd known he would be late, maybe I wouldn't have agreed to go. He makes me feel like a f***g idiot for depending on him. But he's my husband - shouldn't he have my back sometimes?

Again, I mean this kindly but woman up love! It's only a party ffs! Ok, if you were my client I would ask you - what's the worst thing that could happen at this party tonight if you go alone?

This isn't about parties or social occasions is it?

It's about your marriage to a man who is passive in his romantic relationships and has a pattern of withdrawing and distancing until he gets dumped or who only exits a relationship when actively pressured to do so by the new woman on the scene - isn't it?

Put me right if you want tips on braving social occasions alone, but after what you've said about your relationship and your sex life, I'd have thought you have more pressing worries?

" I work myself up into a fury just to get him to notice there is something wrong. "

If you need a lot of attention and he's not supplying it, aren't you just fundamentally incompatible? I'm guessing it was all very exciting in the early days when you were each other's 'forbidden fruit' and all that's happened is the novelty's worn off on all sides... sorry.

Sounds like he shuts down to avoid conflict. Which then causes you to escalate the conflict. I agree with Cog, you sound fundamentally incompatible. You both need to find a way to discuss things openly but without heat - I'm guessing he will be unwilling to try, but you can only ask.