keeping up appearances

[nowherenear]

I could do wwith some insights on this, please.

My mother in law is seriously ill with terminal cancer - caught too late to treat it. I am very fond of my father and mother in law. My own mother died of cancer within 6 months of diagnosis, again untreatable by the time it was diagnosed, so I know how difficult and uncertain the coming months will be.

My inlaws live a 6 hour drive away, so we don't have regular contact. They see our children approx 3 times a year. After the diagnosis, my husband has been driving to stay with them for weekends and we all stayed nearby over easter. My grandmother was very much her old self. The two of them have been spending the last few months seeing their friends, and living as normal a life as possible. This whitsun bank holiday, my oldest child (13) and husband were planning to stay with them for 3 days - ds1 loves his grandparents to bits, has often stayed by himself with them for holidays and at easter chose to sleep at their home rather than in the accommodation we had rented.

Anyway, the plans fell through because my mother in law has developed a throat infection and although it will respond to antibiotics, she is feeling weak and feeble - not so ill that she needs to be in hosipital, but too ill to go out and about.

I do understand why the plans were called off. I know my inlaws are very, very keen on keeping up appearances and putting a brave face on things. I know they want to make sure if my son visits them, he will enjoy seeing them and not be too worried.

But on the other hand, this could be the last time my son is able to stay with them - any time my mother in law's condition could really worsen. We hope to spend our summer holiday with them in August, but it's a long time away and I'm not sure how things will go. I also think they underestimate the maturity and resiliance of my son. He doesn't expect them to entertain them, and he'd have had dh to take him out and about, anyway. If he spent a lot of the 3 days quietly watching TV and talking with his grandmother, I feel he would have been ok. That's mostly what he did when he chose to stay with them at easter.

From my own experience, I know how difficult it is sort out your priorities when faced with such a diagnosis. I know how precious the time is. I also know it is definitely not my place to say anything here. I know I must respect my mother in law's feelings. I just can't help feeling it's not a good decision and hate standing by feeling this way. My husband knows how I feel and I suspect my inlaws do, too, as they have avoided talking to me about the whitsun plans.

My son seems easy about either going or not going (I have talked to him). I have suggested that perhaps dh could take ds1 with him on a weekend trip in a month or so's time when his mother is feeling stronger. This means ds1 missing a day or so of school. We would have to lie to my inlaws about there being a school inset day as they really don't want to upset our routine. I guess this is best compromise we can make. I just find this 'keeping up appearances' attitude so heartbreaking.

Any thoughts?

I think it is normal for people in that condition to try and carry on as normal. My Grandfarther is terminally ill. I don't think he is going to live much longer. He is 83 though. I also think that mayby detaching themselves a little bit is their way of coping with the fact that she is going to lose you too

I think you have to respect their decisions.
You cant live every minute as if it will be your last.
Your children need only to know they are loved,which they probably are.
She may be iller than she lets on.
My own mil died recently and had to cancel visits by very loved g/children in the weeks up to her death..

angelinaj, that's an interesting thought about my MIL maybe wanting to detatch herself from us - perhaps it will be too painful for her to see us when she cannot 'be normal'.

I just feel this is going to get worse as the months go on - especially when she is weeks away from dying, (which hopefully is not now). At some point we will have to face her being ill when we are with her. She is being honest, not in denial, but probably wants to spare our feelings. I just feel so sad about this and find it hard to come to terms with.

I just keep feeling I am at odds with what is happening, as if I am seeing things differently to everyone else - ie it is my suggestion to dh that ds1 could spend a weekend with them when MIL feels stronger - neither dh nor my inlaws have suggested it. Right now, she is seeing lots of her friends, going out for meals, taking small holidays in the uk etc.

Thanks for listening.

I honestly think your inlaws have enough on their plate - much as they love your kids, your son will be another human being to have to consider, and maybe they need all their energy for your mil.

I think heartbreaking is the right word, nowherenear, for all of you.
I think angelinaj's observation about the almost instinctive detachment process in the terminally ill is spot-on (no experience of this personally though). I am glad your ds1 is not so upset about losing the trip - the insouciance of youth, eh...
I just wanted to send you a big sympathetic e-hug. It sounds to me that your family-in-law are doing a bit of closing ranks against you and I sort of wonder if a part of that is that your dh knows full well you have been through this yourself with your own mum, and rightly or wrongly, wants to deal with his mother's looming death in his own way?

I've only got the experience of a friend who died from AIDS to compare with this, but there are similarities - my friend drew his circle more and more narrowly the iller he got, until in the end he had just 3 people (not including me, nor any of his own blood family) he wanted to see. People prepare for death in their own way.

As to your son, I wonder whether there are ways of showing that warm bond without him going (or until he can) go to stay? Can he write her funny letters, or make tapes of music she might like, things like that? (They'll also be keepsakes in due course.)

Thanks for the thoughts. Yes, I think I must get my son to write more letters etc bink. He did start off by writing when we first heard the news but it has tailed off.

And the more messages I see here, the more I can see that this distancing is not unusual.

Batters, I do definitely think that MIL does wants to protect my son, you are right, I know that's part of it. As for talking to them about this, I just don't know if any more conversation is a good idea. I just don't want to pressure them. When we last saw them, I was keen to get something sorted out for whitsun, I was very open about it. Both dh and I made it clear we really wanted our son to stay with them, if convenient of course, and that he would not be bored if they did not do much with him. Ds1 totally agreed with us. I wish talking would make a difference, but I feel they have private reasons for their decision and they don't want to share those reasons, as they don't want to hurt us.

I just worry that if they don't want us to see MIL if she is feeling weak, this could make it increasingly impossible for us to see them at all, as the months go by. We have some constraints around taking holiday from work, ans school - dh and I will obviously do everything we can to see them, and have understanding employers, thank goodness.

Marina, you observation that my dh may be wanting to deal with this in his own way is definitely something to think about. His relationship with his parents, and visa versa is SO different to my relationship with my parents, I've always found it hard to understand. Thanks for the virtual hug :)