need advice from someone who's been in an EA and DV relationship

[anotherworriedfriend]

Have namechanged.

So, friend confides that her DH has a history of DV, probably related to undiagnosed MH problem.

Over a year at the P1 school gate, more details have been confided - lots of nasty, ugly, violent behaviour and then lots of peaceful, ordinary behaviour with gifts and gestures to "make up for it".

She feels powerless, "the kids love him", "it's not that bad" "I know how to handle him" - you know, the stuff that women trapped in an abusive relationship say. Sigh.

I've said to come to me if ever she feels her, or her kids safety is at risk - but, it's her marriage, she's a grown-up, she knows fine well what's going on and I've felt there's nothing to be gained from telling her to LTB; she already knows that - and, there's a distinct undercurrent of "it's more complicated than that".

However, she's just told me that DH has pinned 7 year old up against a wall. Screaming in the face, threatening violence and that the child's daddy is going to "fucking kill you"

Also, she's told me he's got convictions for assault - I don't know whether that's against her, the kids, or someone else.

This woman is bright, clever, funny, and you'd just love her.

She KNOWS he's bad for her, bad for the kids and that she needs to leave.

But, I'm not sure that me offering safe refuge is enough now that I know her kids are at risk from a violent, unpredictable dick man, who might be ill, but who refuses to see his GP.

If you've been on the receiving end of this kind of crap, I'm sorry. But, if you have any nuggets of what could have been helpful from a friend that might have enabled to extricate yourself - well, I'd be really grateful.

I don't want to mess this conversation with her up.

Sorry, think I must have understood (thought you'd called to report).

It does sound like she's hoping you'll call, and if she recognises that the situation is bad and they need to get out, then that call might be the shove she needs. It might also be that she's too scared to make that call or doesn't know how to start that conversation off.

Sending you strength to help her out - if it helps, I was bricking it before I made the call, massive relief afterwards though. Scribble down key points of that helps, and have a pen handy in case you get redirected to other numbers.

So you have phoned SS and they asked your name but nothing else?

Even if he did see a GP today what good would it do? So he might get a referral to a psychiatrist that would take maybe 4-8 weeks, what would be be doing in this time? He could be on good behaviour for a while but tbh they very rarely are able to change.

My ex has moved on and is abusing someone else now, all her DC are in care - because someone spoke up.

Wasn't me btw I didn't know or I would have

Why is to stop her lying to you about seeing the GP?

I'm afraid you don't have a choice. If the school knew they would invoke their child protection procedures. In fact that might be a way of dealing with it - tell them.

I remember giving clues to others when I needed help. No child protection issues with me, but I wanted someone else to start the momentum for me.

It will be ok. She needs you to help her. She wouldn't have breathed a word otherwise.

Done it.

To explain about this morning - I wanted to know what would happen if I were to make the report.

They asked my name and address to log the call, apparently they do that with every call.

I only wanted advice at that point - because she was convinced that the SS would swoop in, he'd be in custody and the kids in care, but that's because he's been telling her that she's a bad mother and it's all her fault, she's not rational about that at all.

It seemed to me that having information about what WOULD happen would be helpful for her - and, it was only fair to give her the opportunity to call herself. I wanted to support her to do it herself instead of trampling all over her - you know, like her DH does.

However, she didn't/couldn't do it herself. I'd told her that if she hadn't by 4.30 that I would have to. I actually spoke to the same duty worker - which was great.

They take it from here and investigate and decide what to do which is either:
nothing - no case to answer
family support - all sorts of options
police involvement - DV

I don't feel great about this at all. I know it's the right thing to do - but, I'm tearful at the disruption I'll have caused in that house tonight. And, I'm hoping it all goes well and she's not left with repercussions from him - supposing the wee boy denies it?

Oh well. Big Pants On and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

I think the problem is that she is quite likely to deny it, and then having denied it she will feel she can't admit she lied to them when the next incident kicks off (which it will, eventually).

I would be amazed if she admits it to SS in the circumstances you describe.

Is that how women in this situation react, Chub?

I can see how that might come about. But, I guess that SS will get in touch with the school - and there is clear evidence that the wee boy is "troubled" there. Usual stuff, he's become very aggressive, shouting and punching at the kids, really disrespectful to the teachers and just knows too much about sex and life. That'll be all the 18 computer games and DVDs his dad gives him.

And, there was the rather ugly incident with the school chicken project - his class got some eggs to hatch and one little chick came a cropper at his hands. Did he tread on it by accident, was it deliberate? Dunno, but one of the school chooks has got a limp anyway, and the kids' accounts were that he said he'd pull it's leg off.

Surely, if SS hear all that from school they'll know there's problems at home?

Wish I knew what SS will do. But, it's none of my business.

I can imagine some women would yes. I think I might have done if someone else had taken the decision out of my hands. I'm not saying you shouldn't report it, I don't think you have any choice. But the thought process she is engaged in is not linear. She will be surging back and forth, her thoughts and reactions finely tuned to the nuances of his behaviour, tone of voice and words. If they catch her in an upswing in her determination she'll probably co operate. Ironically if they catch her after a couple of days when things have been on a more even keel she's more likely to deny the lot. Her thought process being "well how can I leave him now, when things are so good?'

I think she has been really unfair to you actually.

Funny, reading your post is my jumbled thoughts in clarified form!

I don't feel there's any guarantee. The assault was last week, he's got some sort of mood disorder which swings, she's confused, the kids love their dad.

I'm a bit fearful that if she doesn't take the chance and ask for help when they offer it that she'll be in for a beating. And, then I think I'll be next. And, then I think, well, maybe it will take for another crisis to trigger her into realising that this is not on.

Can't help but think it's not really like the films show - one call and happily ever after doesn't automatically follow.

I've had years of supporting a friend in a similar situation as have a number of friends. She cites her reason for not leaving as "not wanting to leave the house".

I have had to distance myself as I found it emotionally draining, she was offloading how she felt to me then just going home and carrying on as usual. I came to the decision you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. Her children are very troubled so I don't understand - I would leave with nothing and disappear to protect mine.

Someone reported it so SS last week so who knows what will happen now - I suspect nothing much.

You'll be next? You think he would attack you?

In all honesty I think you need to involve the police in the first instance, but she needs to be on board with that. They will pass the details on to SS, they always do if there are children.

I also think that if you do pursue the plan without involving the police if he approaches you or comes to your door you phone the police without fail.

I'm not scared of him, Chub. He's just a big old bully, he'd spit at the school gate or something like that, puff himself up and be all growly threats. I don't think he's be stupid enough to actually assault me - to be honest, he's too calculating to be more mad than bad.

I would leave it with SS. In the case of my friend they interviewed her children last week - 1 denied it, 1 admitted but said "not recently" (which is bullshit) she has been asked to contact them discreetly so Dad doesn't know.

I have my fingers crossed that things will work out.

Blue - yep. If the mother doesn't do anything to protect the kids then there must come a point where she is complicit in the abuse of the kids.

I don't want to sound victim-bashing. Clearly, it's not her fault. But, someone has to do something, and, I'm just gutted that I've been so worried about her and the kids, and she's going to let it continue.

Not that I know that - she's not answered my texts. Perhaps she's busy moving boxes into his new flat. Here's hoping.

It must be difficult for SS, actually. If they are investigating a report, but have everyone in it saying "no, we're the Osmonds here" Must be awful.

I've never been in that situation but there is only so much wise advice you can give before it starts to drag you down too. My friend was asked years ago to contact a school counsellor as one of her boys had said "I don't want to end up like my Dad" - to my knowledge she never did.

Son now at new school is self harming so i'm guessing that prompted SS too

I don't know what happened with the system where I am but police were called a few times ( by me 999) Reports were taken but I never once seen a Social worker, I was told they would be informed but they must have been out - over the years around 10-15 times, sadly those records are wiped after 5 years by the police.

The one time SS got involved they just so happened to be changing their filing system, they lost the file on my ex....

It must be hard for them OP but I agree you have been put in a horrid position.

I was told a story very similar to OP today about a young DC, she is away from the person who does it but still has contact with him and he is able to come and go from the house, my friend (whose DD is happened to) said there had been restraining order on her ex coming to her house but it had been lifted and thrown out of court as he suffers from psychotic episodes , Im unsure how much is true but she seems quite stressed, I might go see her again this week.

Its worrying, hopefully SS will dig deep they do usually go to the school and ask the DC.

Do you have anyone to talk to for yourself anotherworriedfriend?
You're doing a very good thing but it must be very stressful x

Well, that's been a bit of a damp squib.

She told them it wasn't that bad. The kids denied anything. He said they have a fiery relationship and it's understandable that someone might have a concern, but htere's not anything to worry about.

The SS lady sounded very nice. So, hopefully, that'll allay her fears tht they'd come in all guns blazing. No further action to be taken, apparently.

My freind's take on it is that it's all a storm in a teacup, that he didnt' mean it and he's promised not to do it again. I reminded her that she had more than a touch of the Nigella's about her when I met her at the weekend, that he is abusing her and the kids and that she has to protect them.

I guess it'll take a while for her to get the strength together to leave him.

What on earth can SS do, if they all deny it? He doesn't know it was me, and I don't think he's bright enough to figure it out.

I hope she's safe and he's not going to punish her for SS popping by.

Ugh.

buaitisi - that's kind of you.

I have been worried, it's horrible that I know what fear and stress the kids are under, and yet, there's not really anything to be done about it right now.

I spoke to my mum, she's very sensible. And, her friend works at their local women's shelter - so, she had some very clear advice to keep my expectations low.

I guess my friend is going to need a few prompts to get out. As long as they dont' come at a high cost...

Not unexpected. :(

The problem is that he's more likely to be more subtle with the abuse, or worsen the threats.
And he knows she's not capable of actually telling SS.

Have you spoken to the school? They could more discretely monitor the boy's behaviour and any other signs of abuse.

worried can I jut say that you sound like a lovely, kind and good person.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people who turn the other cheek, minimise and so on but you haven't done that so please give yourself some credit. Even if your friend doesn't end the relationship now you have sown the seed.

Other people have mentioned you must look after and get some support for yourself, please don't forget to do that.