family split into 2 countries

[lostin2countries]

Quite scared to post here but friend said it might help.

Been married an awful long time and have several children aged 8 to 17 years old. We all used to live abroad, but a couple of years ago, the family suffered huge trauma which led to a downward spiral. Now I live abroad with most of the children and hubby has returned to the UK with the eldest.

Hubby has a personality disorder - I'd say borderline and histrionic - though never officially diagnosed it's quite obvious. It's meant he has completely misread several things between us, he's become violent at times, has 3 police cautions from 2 countries, nothing huge but enough it has made me more and more scared at what might come next, has a habit of phoning police to waste police time - once phoned them to say I had bent an envelope, yes indeed I had, it was truly preposterous but at these times he becomes aggressive and scares me. Well last year, he abandoned the family 2 times and when he was here during that year, he was mostly in the bedroom on the internet talking to strangers, probably about how awful his wife is, no I'm not, he is completely paranoid, it's simply hard to love someone who acts with aggression and talks nonsense. Our eldest was taking his GCSEs this time last year and one morning again he was angry for nothing so I said I'd take the other children to school, he said no, I said I wanted to go, going out of the house he decided to follow me and hit me 20 times on the back of my head, with a passer-by witnessing, that was Police caution number 3! Our eldest had to go out and do his GCSE exam later that day.

Anyway, fast forward a few months, son did terribly at GCSEs, could no longer afford the fees at school abroad, quick decision had to be made and eldest and dad moved within a week to the UK. Our eldest has learning difficulties, just to make it a bit harder.

It's been a horrendous 2 years, but previous to that it was 15 years of decent marriage and a happy family life. I lived with the personality disorder because the children and their happiness made me happy. But hubby has become paranoid, he arrived again a month ago from the UK to see the rest of the family, from nowhere he started screaming and the neighbours phoned the Police, they arrived, I explained he didn't hit me this time but I don't think they believed me. The week after, he was nice again and left back to the UK on good terms.

Then out of the blue last week I get an email saying after years of unreasonably behaviour, it's divorce. I'm heartbroken, within 30 minutes I'd found he'd met another woman with 2 young children and she's married and he loves her and the children !!!! I am so heartbroken and cannot believe it.

The eldest is coming back abroad today so all the children will be with me. I just don't know what to do. I will never give hubby a divorce, I don't know what to do to save the family. He has left me with several children existing on a small salary and he has controlled all bank accounts in the last couple of years. I have enough money to last another month here. He has run off to be with a woman he has known 2 weeks. I have been left with all the children, one with learning difficulties. His only words now are to hurt me. I am crying all the time.

I don't have any family so am reliant on friends for any support and that's not the same as having family. I am abroad. Our eldest cannot go to school here as his language skills and learning difficulties make it impossible, he is half way through A levels. I don't want to send him back to his dad who is unwell and unhinged. If I return to the UK, I do not qualify for income support as I have more than 16k in savings, although I have no access to that money as it's in an ISA and my husband controls it so I cannot get to it. I have actually paid NI in the UK for 23 years, so I am a bit disappointed that I cannot even rely on the welfare system to get us through any initial move to the UK. I don't have enough money here to support us all either. The other kids want to stay here and would be heartbroken to have to return to the UK, in order for the eldest to finish education. I am stuffed and feel really depressed.

What would you do, come back to the UK and find a charity willing to feed and house such a large family? Or sacrifice the education of the eldest and beg amongst friends for financial help?

You need to talk to social services and to get legal advice in both countries.

legal aid has been abolished for benefits help in the UK but is still there if you are homeless and need to access housing law.

Speak to Women's Aid, they will help give benefits advice. Witholding access to savings is very common in abusive relationships and they will have dealt with this before.

I would come back to the UK, how long can you rely on the charity of friends to keep you abroad?

I am so sorry you are going through this

I've talked to the school about my husband's behaviour and concerns about him living with him, they are enacting child protection.

It's a very hard time for this to happen, it's exam time here and so much to arrange. I have little money to pay a solicitor, I have looked up free legal advice as a first step, but with a job to do and that under threat here, not easy to fit in around all the activities and work.

I can understand now the anger parents feel when their partners abandon their families. It's part of hubby's condition that he is unable to feel empathy, is completely impulsive, easily influenced - that's his dad who told me I deserved the beatings I received and mum who criticized hubby in front of me for having a vasectomy as he could no longer have children with a new partner, boy did that comment really hurt and never forgotten. I just can't believe he has done this to his children, to me yes, but not them. And the morals of the woman who must be completely blinkered, how can she do this to her own children and to our family too? Do these adults ever think of others with their actions?

I feel angry with the world, angry with everything, it's been the hardest 2 years of our lives and it's one thing after another to cope with. Some people are so evil.

We own a house together but to take that house means to make another family homeless. The tenants have been fantastic, I have a responsiblity towards them, I fear owning a home will work against us too.

It is hard to come back to the UK, I'd have to give up my job and the other children their excellent schools. I have NO family at all, except one person who suffers from depression. It's bloody hard to have no parents.

OK will look up Woman's Aid. So far I've just been on Gingerbread website and their phone number is open only during my work hours. I am scared to ask for time off work, in case I don't get my contract renewed here, yet I might have to give up work anyway to come back to the UK. I am so torn about what to do.

Contact Rights of Women too, they are great with legal advice.

You have no responsibility towards your tenants, even if you did, you have more of a responsibility towards your family and making sure they have a roof over their head so don't think about the tenants for now

Don't be ridiculous: you must reclaim your family home from your tenants.

Imean this in the kindest way..

FGS Grab that gift horse and never let it go!

The LAST thing you need to hang onto is a man like that! LET HIM GO! Help him in anyway you can, to LEAVE!

I know you are scared, but honestly this WILL be the making of you.

Get legal advice, get what you can in the way of support and help, but know that you will be immeasurably better if NOT shackled to such a truly troubled character.

This IS the best thing to happen to you, you just can't see it yet.

Give him the divorce, please!

Your tenants will find somewhere else, if you want to be fairer, give them MORE than the 2m notice you need to give them by law.

They will be fine. You will be fine.

looking up those websites now thanks.

I do feel responsible for the family living in our house, they've been there 4 years without incident, it will have become their home. I feel I'd be adding to the guilt I already bear for having put all the children through this. I also feel terribly sorry for the other children who will inevitably be hurt by their mum, I could however gorge the eyes out of their mum, were it not that her children depend on her. I am still stunned that another human can hurt another so greatly and abandon so many children like this. I just feel sick to the stomach.

Moving back to the UK to a house in a town I hated living in with only 2 really good friends, leaving behind the support of friends here. I am already depressed at being left here, that I have caused all this by refusing to come back to the UK at 20 minutes notice last August, that's how long it took to make the decision for hubby to return last August and I couldn't do it, drop everything and leave just like that.

Oh it's so hard to decide. It would be easier if I didn't have to worry about the money.

thanks for the advice, I will read it over and over again.

A man who has been violent to you several times with police cautions, who is financially abusive and you don't have access to your own savings, you don't live together anyway, he has left you for another woman - cheated on you, he has supposed MH issues... And you want to keep him? You really need some legal advice, and you need some support for you. It sounds like you have been living in a horrific relationship for so long that you have normalised or excused it?

Where would I live? I would get myself a nice therapist and start working out how to put myself first and get some self-esteem back! Then make a decision. I would call the bank and make sure my H could not access any of my savings, assuming he has not already emptied the account. I would get a good lawyer and start working out how to protect myself and rebuild my life.

I don't have access to my own money to pay any therapist or lawyer, I feel very trapped.

With joint accounts, how do I stop the other person from taking the money? The only access I do actually have is my bank card, it's the statements I have no access to. Hubby's dad got him to open another bank account last year and he admitted taking at least 500 pounds out of joint account to this other account.

I cannot see the balance of the account from the bank machines here, I can get money out but that's all. I can access the account here but there's only enough left for the end of the month, then I'm half pay here for the Summer, that's why I know I will run out of money, short of emptying the UK account.

I guess it's a phone call to UK bank now to find out what money is left and if I can stop hubby emptying it.

You have an odd sense of priorities. You must put yourself and your DC first and get out of this horrific relationship. I think you need to serve notice to your tenants now and secure school places for your DC near to your family home for September and organize your move. And start divorce proceedings once you are back in the UK.

I agree you need some legal advice urgently. Also, if the account is joint, I would contact the bank - you should be able to get access to statements, and probably there will be some element of on line banking. You need to know what is in there and get copies of balances etc. i would set up my own account pronto and arrange to have CB benefit etc paid direct to that. What about housing/bills where you are? Whose name are they in?

You have all the kids home for the holidays? Is there any chance he would withdraw his financial support? To be honest, he sounds like a total arse and you sound beyond miserable. I would give him his divorce and try to come to some arrangements re money in the short term. In the long term, I agree with other posters above. You need to reclaim your uk house. Is there an outstanding mortgage?

It seems to me that is the only way to keep the children together. The oldest needs to continue his education and the others will adapt. Maybe being back in the uk will improve your chances of finding decent employment? If you give your tenants notice you could be back in your house by September 1st.

Bumping for you.

Emptying the bank account yourself is you only way to stop him from doing the same.

You can make an international transfer, but it can be quite beaurocraric. Phone the bank to find out how to do it.

Do you have your own bank account?

I understand how tough that would be for your other dcs; the place you're in is their home. Why don't you view a move to the UK as a temporary thing? A year is all your eldest needs you to be there with him for, isn't it? I don't know much about how you can deal with your financial situation, but it sounds like it would help to be in the UK to do it.

And I agree with Hissy and others: you must respect his wishes and give him the divorce. You can't hold a marriage together by yourself. By all means, continue to be loyal to him and love him. But don't be naive - as you say, because of his disorder(s) he is not to be trusted and may have taken money already that isn't morally or legally his. Get yourself good legal advice as soon as you can.

It sounds horrendous - best wishes for dealing with all the fallout from this bolt from the blue.