Bit of back story... got together with dh 11 years ago. We lived very busy active lives in central london. Dh travelled abroad 2 weeks out of every 4 and when we were together we made the most of it and did lots, basically enjoyed each others company. Any slight concern I had about dh's temper was brushed away and we made an effort to avoid arguments.
2 years after meeting we had ds1 and moved 350miles north to another city - his home city and closer to my parents . I got a new great job and he started his own business.
Fast forward 9 years and we now have 3 ds... youngest 2.5yrs. I am still in my job which I love and get well paid. Dh's work is very up and down and he tops up with contract work... now to the heart of the problem...
Dh shouts and shouts all the time. His standards are just unrealistic in a house with 3 small children. He yells about the way they eat, not sitting nicely enough on the sofas, closing the kitchen cupboards or drawers too roughly, any mess, any noise... when they do something he disapproves of he yells and keeps saying "look me in the eye" to them, which is near impossible as the kids are intimidated. Each thing I mention in isolation probably doesnt sound that bad but it is constant constant nagging. He is also emotionally difficult with them. An example being asking ds1 to help him take the recycling out... ds1 didnt reply enthusiastically enough so dh says nastily and sarcastically "oh dont bother... well done ds1, thanks for all your help".
The atmosphere when he is around is just so tense. The kids dont want to be around him and want me to do everything. I get up with them every morning. The one time recently dh got up with ds3 the other 2 wouldnt gp downstairs. Dh has had to stop taking ds1 to football as that was a disaster... and I do anything to avoid dh having to deal with our kids friends as he tells them off too.
His nastiness extends to me as well. He has always complained I am a "messy bitch / cow / cunt". Which I really am not but I am a full time working mum with 3 kids... he says I have let myself go and is nasty about the fact that I have mild hearing problems. Yesterday he complained I was opening the back door using the key on my main key ring instead of the key above the back door. I said I didnt know it was kept there now. He then mocked me for either being a liar or deaf as he claimed to have told me it was there. The when I said I wss neither deaf nor a liar he said "yeah thats right you really are that stupid"... all this about using a key from the wrong place ffs..
I am just worn down by it - we row all the time and it must be horrible for the kids.