Contacting estranged father? Help me think it through please.

[OpalFruitshoot]

Hi

I am nearly 40, my parents split when I was 12, didn't see much of my father once he moved out, and officially estranged when I was at the end of my teens as it just felt like he wasn't very bothered. No contact since.

But I am now a parent to a toddler, and part of me is wondering if my child is missing out on a grandparent. My recollection of my father is that he was a great dad for fun stuff - took us to fun places, played really well with us, my friends thought he was funny and fun, did lots of stuff like helping with scouts and after school clubs for us, but he was useless with practical stuff like helping my mother decide which schools we should go to, he wasn't much of a disciplinarian, and actually, I just think he had us too young (not that he was that young when I was born - he was 25, but I think he wasn't very mature!). Anyway, this kind of person could make a fun grandfather for my child?

But then I feel awkward, how would I start this reunion? Not seen him in 20 years. He hasn't contacted me in all that time, though his sister has, on behalf of herself and his wife, they wanted to help build bridges, afaik, he doesn't know this. This was when I was pregnant, and I wasn't interested at the time. I am not close to my aunt, she found me via Fb.

Thoughts?

Think about what you want from the relationship and how you might deal with the rejection.

Personally I'd start with your aunt - she's already made contact so she obviously wants to have a relationship with you.

I'd be inclined to think your father probably talks about you - hence aunt and new wife trying to reconcile.

Just go into it with your eyes wide open, and don't raise your expectations - after this amount of time to have
a father/daughter relationship will be very difficult, if that comes with time, then its a bonus - best you can hope for is a good friendship.

Give it time - don't make any rush decisions. You have to be prepared for the fact that he may well turn out to be either disinterested and/or a total tosser - are you strong enough to cope with that? I don't think I would be. Imagine every worst-case scenario, and then see if you think you could deal with it. If yes, then give it a shot.

What does your mother think?

A friend of mine contacted her father, after quite a few years. Her mother was quite anti, because he is a very difficult person, but my friend felt it was something she should do.

In the end, it really didn't work out, but I think she's pleased she did it, because she tried.

So, I think, perhaps you need to consider what will happen if it doesn't work out. If you can approach it quite tentatively, as if it might not work out, you can only be happily surprised if it does.

Thanks for the replies.

I do have low expectations anyway. But I also think surely someone would jump at the chance to be involved in a young child's life, when really, they've not done much to deserve it. But I guess, he could have made efforts to get in touch over the last 20 years, and hasn't. I do know he knows I have a child, and still, no word.

I think I am very strong, and can deal with anything. I've had to, a lot. Mostly, I feel I am considering this for my child. And a bit, I think, it could make an old man happy.
I haven't discussed it with my mother in years, but back then, she would say everyone deserves a second chance.

Brain fuzz. I just reread the email from my aunt, actually, she says he does NOT know about my child, but I wrote on here about this at the time, and everyone said they reckoned he did know, and that there is no way his wife and sister would keep that secret from him.

Oh dear, I need some sleep! Read the second email from my aunt and they had told him after all! I knew I didn't imagine it, just forgot there was a second email!

I made the effort with my father when DS was born. Once his daughter from his second marriage had a child my DS was a superfluous and unnecessary as I was all the years I was growing up.

Last saw my father at a relatives funeral a few years ago.

Would rather I hadn't bothered as I feel sad for DS that he has been forgotten.

I am sure there are plenty of other people in your DC life to do the fun things with them.

Really sorry to hear that, Xales. Was your son old enough to understand and be hurt? I hope not. Your father's loss, I am sure. Sorry for your hurt too.

There are people to have fun with, I just wondered if a grandfather could be a bit special.

We are sat waiting for Dhs Dad to turn up right now.

He contacted me via FB 2 years ago with a lovely letter but Dh refused to acknowledge it which was fair enough. I was contacted again in Jan this year and again Dh refused to reply but then out of the blue in March Dh said send him our phone number

I did send the number and within an hour the phone rang. Dh spent over an hour crying on the phone to someone he has spent years saying he hated. Anyway to cut a long story short they have spoken every 2 weeks since and are meeting for the first time since he left 30 years ago tonight and bringing his Ds with him and Dhs Stepmum. Dh is now 35 so a 30 year gap to fill in.

The phone call to say they have arrived hasnt happened yet so i'm a nervous wreck and playing Candy crush and reading MN to keep me occupied but Dh has scoffed a huge plate of chicken and chips and is calm as a cucumber!

Fingers crossed it will go well

Good luck to your husband and family, squeely, please update me! 30 years, wow. And five is no age to have many memories of a father. I was quite a bit older, at least.
But at least it was the father that contacted you. Mine hasn't, just his sister (in cahoots with his wife). Both do say they believe he'd be thrilled. But will he?!

It is nerve wracking. Though I feel happy too - I have a nice husband and a sweet child. Dunno!

It really is more for my child, I think, than myself.

I'll keep you posted if they ever turn up!

Dhs Dad only got the push to contact us as his health has deteriorated and he was desperate to make amends.

Dh has spent years saying one thing about his dad but thinking something entirely different, Men are strange sometimes

Dhs Dad left when he was 5 because of Dhs Mum. She moved new man in and his children straight away and Dh was told to call Stepdad Dad from that moment onwards.

StepDad was an abusive twat, real Dad was cut out of the picture and lots of lies told. Dh grew up very angry and screwed up.

Dh cut Mums side of the family out several years ago because they are really toxic so fast forward to now and he gets another chance at family. Its all very Jeremy Kyle!

If it all goes wrong Dh says he is prepared but i dont believe that. Everyone deserves a chance so fingers crossed this has a happy ending at best or closure for Dh if it all goes belly up.

I'm getting worried because i thought they would have phoned by now

If your primary reason for doing this is for your son then your expectations are already too high.

Relax and asses the man you might meet rather than the man the intermediaries have represented

My father was never really a fixture in my life apart from seeing him at christening/ weddings/ funerals and luckily for me it wasn't difficult missing the stranger that he was. It was strange seeing him at my mothers funeral because he talked about meeting DD and I nodded and smiled and I knew that was probably the last I'd see of him.

Any relationship your father has with your son should be earned not bestowed.

Good luck.

squeeley, did he show up? How are things?

Istean, I think yes, I main reason would be for my son. My recollection of my father from when I was a child are that he was fun and playful. The email from my aunt suggested he was sad to be missing out on a grandchild. My main hesitations are that I would feel awkward meeting him after all this time - what on earth does one say? Will it feel forced?

Triumph, thank you for your story, a positive one. Sorry for your loss. We don't have forever to do stuff, do we.

Still unsure.

Morning!

It didnt exactly go to plan tbh. Dh left at about 8ish to go to DDs as we hadnt heard anything, so he decided to finish their tiling

Within 2 mins of him leaving the phone rang and they had arrived but were going to grab something to eat as it had taken 7 hours to get here because of traffic and they were starving.

Phoned DH to come back so he said he would come back in an hour but his Dad turned up about 50 mins later so i had to do a very awkward meet and greet because dh was pissing around at DDs

Anyway it wasnt too bad, there was quite a few silences which i managed to fill because i'm apparently the master of talking crap so i just sat like a bit of a wally while Dh and his Dad talked about everything to do with their current lives.

I felt a bit sorry for his Dad as I could see he was awkward mentioning his Ds and his Dsd who he has raised but Dh seemed to take it all in his stride i think.

It was only Dad who came last night so i think the meeting of Stepmum and brother will happen today. They are phoning later to arrange. I'm still in my dressing gown so i hope its much later

It wasnt how i had played it out in my head but Dh seems happy enough and thats what matters.

Hopefully today will be a bit more organised. Our Ds is very confused by it all but did meet him last night because he refused to go to bed and he seemed quite taken with him but he looks so much like Dh its weird and i think it confused Ds.

It was all a bit of an anti climax if i'm being honest.

Sorry you had to do the meet and greet, but sounds like you are more than capable. Glad your DH took everything well, I hope today's meeting goes better. And less of an anti-climax.
Do you think you can see contact being kept well?
I don't look like my father, no confusion for my DS! :) He's only two and a half though, so young enough to just take everything in his stride.

I have been through similar. Father left/got kicked out when I was around 7 and had no further contact as all. I still don't really know what happened with regards to them splitting as neither my mother or father will talk about it although my mother was pregnant with my stepfather's child within a few months so I can imagine. My mother is extremely toxic and blamed me for being like 'him' so my childhood was horrible with all kinds of abuse thrown in.

My dad was a drinker and I witnessed domestic violence from both sides as a very young DC but I also remembered him playing with me, carrying me on his shoulders and bringing me home presents before the split so I had always had the feeling that he was a good father in some ways and often thought of him which I was made to feel very guilty about as he was demonised by my mother (hence none of my siblings ever even considering seeing him again but I have always been a black sheep!).

He had 6 kids by the age of 22 after taking on my mother's first 4 children from her previous marriage and then having his own 2 (including me) so as I got older I could empathise with how hard it probably was and, also after seeing my mother as the narcissitic monster she really is, after I started therapy for my extreme anxiety issues.

I met with my father for the first time after 31 years (he found me through Friends Reunited but I wanted to be found iykwim after I got over my fear of my mother finding out!) really hoping to foster a relationship with him as an extended family for my DC as my immediate family are not interested in them . I told myself it was for them, not me, but I was lying to myself iukwim.

We arranged to meet at a neutral place midway between our homes, in a John Lewis coffee shop as it happens. I recognised him immediately and we had a very awkward coffee talking mainly about anything medical that may have been passed down as I wanted to know for my DC, a wooden hug afterwards and then went our separate ways with a few phone calls but mainly email contact afterwards. He told me he was proud of me but obviously not proud enough to NOT bugger off then! It was at that point that I realised how angry I was at him I think. I buried it as I was growing up.

He wanted to just forget about the past and regale me about his wonderful life raising horses with his new wife and his stepchildren. He kept putting off me meeting with them though so I wonder now if he had even told them about his 'first' family. He was in the middle of arranging his stepdaughter's wedding and that sort of stung tbh.

Unfortunately I had taken too much 'punishment' on his behalf during my childhood and I could not let it just let it go and enjoy having my dad back in my life. I used to lie in bed as a child wishing for him to come and rescue me from my mother and stepfather and I am still angry at him even now.

He has decided that as I was a 'well adjusted' child when he left, he has nothing to answer for and I can't get past that so I have no contact now.

I am glad that I met him but it has opened up a painful wound and did not give me the closure I thought it would.

I wish you luck and hope your experience is more positive than mine x

Thanks for sharing with me, Lionessy. I'm glad you are at least glad you met him, sorry it wasn't what you were hoping for though. (((Hugs))) for the hardships you endured during your childhood.

I think I at least have a better starting point. He wasn't alcoholic, wasn't abusive, IMO, and obviously this is just my memories as a child, he was just a bit unready to be a father, should have waited a few years before having us. But no excuses for not making an effort when my parents split, that was really crap of him. I can never understand how parents do this.

But my son. I want so much for him. He's so young now, if I did offer an olive branch to my father, and things didn't work out, I doubt my son would be affected, he won't remember. And if my father has bucked up his ideas now, that could be wonderful for my son. I really don't know what I want. :/